2010 - The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript

Friday, December 31, 2010

Announcement -- New Year’s Eve Safety Advisory and Police Presence

SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT -- The San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing past New Year's Eve traditions can be dangerous, and could result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating the new year, engage in dangerous behavior, which includes breaking IKEA dishes on their neighbors’ porches, the practice known as “hogging,” and hamster juggling. However, people must realize the dangers posed by their actions and the possible repercussions.

Mayor Manny DiPresso advised that while he has no idea where these traditions originated, they have no place in the suburbs.

Courtesy of TV Guide

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- After 20 years of marriage, Indiana-based musician John Mellencamp and his wife, model Elaine Mellencamp, have announced their separation. A divorce is expected early in 2011. A representative for the family says that the Mellencamps "are proud of their 20 years together and are very happy with their accomplishments both as parents and as a family."

The couple had originally intended to stay in Indiana to raise their children, but friends think the Mellencamps will relocate -- especially after surviving what Hoosiers called an apocalyptic earthquake, and Californians largely ignored.

Man Responsible for Celebrity Death Hoaxes on Twitter Found Dead

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- This month, numerous headlines alleging the deaths of celebrities such as Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Sheen, and Aretha Franklin have been posted on social networking sites. In every case, the obituary was proven to be a hoax. However, the individual responsible for promoting the false reports managed to drive an obscene amount of unwarranted Internet traffic to his site, proving just how effective SEO programs can be. Today, according to local police, that man has been found dead.

Tucker Carlson Joins PETA, Calls for Michael Vick’s Execution

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tucker Carlson, a conservative media personality and recovering bow-tie enthusiast, roiled the already muddied waters of sports and politics today by calling for the execution of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick. While football fans and sports reporters attributed the comments to Vick’s performance against Minnesota on Tuesday night, Vick’s former tailor says the controversy stems from Carlson finding a three-year-old newspaper and discovering that Vick tortured, drowned, and hanged pit bulls. Outraged, Carlson donated thousands of dollars to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and demanded that police arrest and kill Vick using the same methods the football star employed to dispatch his animals.

New Year’s Eve Holiday Programming Blows, but Not in a Good Way

OP-ED -- New Year’s Eve is almost upon us. As the CEO of San Narciso’s premier radio station, I don’t focus a lot of attention on television. Moving images take away from the sound spectra that surround us, the chords and frequencies and timbers and harmonics. But old films, the classics, now that’s where it’s at. Where it’s always been, right? Where the writing mattered. Where it was about the words, people, not the visual distractions. And it seems the only time we get to partake is around the holidays.

So what the hell is going on here? I’m speaking to you, Rolf Funch, president of RJ Fletcher Communications. What kind of world makes us sit through Dick Clark’s loathsome post-stroke aphasia during every New Year’s Eve special from now until the End Time, out of some misguided notion of tradition? I recall the first time I had to see it. Nearly put me off my lunch. It was one of those horrific and intolerable moments where I was forced to feel embarrassment for another human being. But it was Dick Clark. And that’s a tradition. An American tradition.

Norwegian Teen Returns from St. Nicholas’ Birthplace with PTSD

LILLEHAMMER, Norway -- Eager to celebrate the traditional festival of Saint Nicholas Day, a largely European holiday that falls on December 6, teen-aged Santa Claus enthusiast Jurgen Enttauschungsohn traveled from his home in Norway to Turkey, the birthplace of the saint.

“I’s wanteds to honors the Christmas Mans in a deeply personals experience,” Enttauschungsohn said. “I’s hads no ideas whats was in stores for me. I wills nevers be the sames again.”

North Pole Offices Flooded with Angry Letters from Children Who Wanted Two Front Teeth but Received Wii Gaming Consoles

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Postal workers at the North Pole were inundated today by millions of letters from children who received video game systems instead of the two front teeth they requested.

"I've been good all year," nine-year-old Barry Nostrom lisped, "why didn't Santa bring me my teeth?"

"What am I supposed to do with this thing?" a disgusted Maggie Rose sniped upon opening a new Wii system with a full Rock Band kit. "I can't chew my food. My friends make fun of me. And I get these stupid games?"

Toyota Introduces Slotcar Racing Game for Christmas

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Japanese automotive manufacturer Toyota has agreed to pay $10 million to settle the lawsuit filed by the family of a California Highway Patrol officer slain by a runaway Prius. A series of unprecedented safety and quality recalls have been issued by Toyota over the past 14 months, all involving sudden-acceleration problems with their popular hybrid vehicles.

Toyota executives expressed disappointment with the settlement, but the company hopes to recover some of its losses with the release of its new Christmas toy, “Prius Pedal Force Robot Happy Lightning DRIVE!”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- U.S. aviation and security officials have issued warnings for travelers to remain vigilant of increased terror threats this holiday season. Some al Qaeda communications intercepted by federal agents contain threats of attacks on major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles this Christmas. But San Narciso Chamber of Commerce leaders warn that the real threat is to American business interests. In early 2008, an official at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security sent a report to his superiors detailing the most significant development in aircraft usage since 2001: al Qaeda has been operating a rogue aviation network.

Timely Bowling Scandal Diverts Attention from Rex Ryan Foot Fetish Videos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- More personal problems beset the beleaguered New York Jets football team today when several media outlets questioned coach Rex Ryan about foot fetish videos posted on the Internet featuring he and his wife, Michelle. A Deadspin.com report shows a number of videos starring a woman who looks very much like Michelle Ryan posing her feet in suggestive positions before a cameraman who sounds like Rex Ryan.

This latest incident follows two other notable controversies for the team. Sal Alosi, the strength and conditioning coach, was suspended indefinitely earlier this month for tripping a Dolphins player during a punt return. Prior to that, the league launched an investigation into whether a Jets player harassed reporter Ines Sainz during a practice. But a new scandal rocking the bowling world could divert attention away from the public’s fascination with Rex Ryan’s fascination with his wife’s feet.

FCC Rules Against Net Neutrality

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a devastating ruling to proponents of “net neutrality,” the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) approved the “Open Internet” order today, spearheaded by FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski. According to supporters of the measure, which include fellow Democrats Michael Copps and Mignon Clyburn, the rules strive to balance the interests of Internet service providers (ISPs), content companies and consumers. Unfortunately, allowing the Internet to flourish without regulation does not necessarily translate to equal access for end users and content producers, despite the order’s deceptively worded title.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After winning a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic cougars on his property in the county's rural Kinneret Foothills area, Buford Starwarrior was mauled to death by a 125-pound animal.

Starwarrior, a 26-year-old shut in and aspiring comic book artist who lived in his parent's basement, legally changed his surname from Johnston after attending last year's Comic-Con convention. He was found dead beside a pile of first edition Hulk comics, wearing a blood-spattered Superman cape and Star Wars Stormtrooper helmet. Investigators said he died as he lived -- a consummate virgin.

Westboro Baptist Church Calls Lunar Eclipse Sign of God’s Wrath for Repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

TOPEKA, Kan. -- A rare lunar eclipse tomorrow morning, which also marks the first day of winter, will usher in the shortest day of the year for those up early enough to witness the spectacle. A lunar eclipse is caused when the moon passes behind the earth, which subsequently blocks the sun’s rays from striking the moon. This transpires only if the moon, sun and earth fall into almost exact alignment. Although lunar eclipses are by no means uncommon, the last time the event coincided with the beginning of the winter solstice occurred in 1638. But despite the excitement felt by many over tomorrow’s event, the combination of the lunar eclipse and the first day of winter seems to have awakened an atavistic fear in Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church.

Santa Claus Confesses He No Longer Believes Children Exist

NORTH POLE -- With just a week remaining until his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted today that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. Santa told reporters at the December 18 global press briefing, "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, Kris Kringle revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

Local Man Says Voice of God Led Him to Burn Historic Provo Tabernacle to the Ground

PROVO, Utah -- A mysterious fire that began early Friday morning swept through the historic Provo Tabernacle, gutting most of the landmark. The disaster has left residents wondering whether the structure can be restored. By mid-morning, firefighters had yet to fully extinguish the blaze.

The tabernacle was erected toward the end of the 1880s, employing a unique design of red brick and a gabled roof. The building also features wooden pews built by Utah’s early settlers, hand-crafted stained glass windows, winding staircases, and a stunningly beamed nave. The site is listed in National Register of Historic Places, which helps draw tourists to the area.

Budget Cuts Force Police to Use Handwritten Flyers to Track Down Boy’s Killer

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Plagued by a series of crippling budget cuts and fiscal shortfalls, San Narciso police have been forced to abandon pricey forensic equipment and Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) tools for resources that are more cost efficient. The decision comes at a bad time, with police detectives desperately trying to locate the North Viaduct killer. With limited options at their disposal, officers have resorted to passing out flyers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- First, the bad news. New economic reports issued by Automated Access to Court Electronic Records (AACER), a database of U.S. bankruptcy statistics used by attorneys and lenders, indicate that filings jumped 76 percent at the end of fiscal 2009 from the year before, as the sluggish U.S. economy pushed more businesses into the red.

Not coincidentally, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported an eight percent rise in suicides nationwide, elevating the existing 17.7 percent suicide rate to nearly 30 percent.

Government Orders Facebook Shutdown After Mark Zuckerberg Named Time’s Person of the Year

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The editors of Time Magazine announced today that Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will grace the cover of their annual Person of the Year issue. Zuckerberg beat out controversial WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange for the honor. But after discovering the wealth of information residing on Facebook and the scope of its usage around the world, the U.S. government ordered the social networking site shut down.

Photo courtesy of ABC

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- WABC meteorologist Heidi Jones has been suspended from the station pending an investigation by police, who arrested the comely weather girl after she admitted to filing a false police report alleging a rape attempt.

Jones, who also fills in on “Good Morning America,” was taken into custody on Monday for a Class A misdemeanor. If convicted, she could face a $1,000 fine and up to a year in jail. Operators at WABC said they have suspended Jones until they know the outcome of the investigation.

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Rumors of a divorce for Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett abound in the sports world today. But the dissolution of Burnett’s marriage has nothing to do with a romantic proposition from Madonna, as some have claimed. Spousal abuse, according to insiders, is the most likely explanation. Media sources close to Burnett have repeatedly described his wife as “spiteful” and “vindictive.” The news of Burnett’s domestic troubles have also caused many to wonder whether the black eye he appeared with in September was the result of domestic violence and not an alleged altercation with a teammate. If the rumors are true, they mirror a similar incident in 2002 that involved Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley and his wife, Tawny Kitaen, an actress known more for being music video eye candy than a talented thespian.

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- Just in time for the holidays, Yahoo Inc. is preparing to lay off between 600 to 700 employees as a result of lackluster growth. The company was at one time the most formidable Internet juggernaut until the rise of Google.

Employees could be notified of the cuts as early as today, according to sources inside the organization. Because Yahoo has not publicly announced the downsizing plans, no official comments have been forthcoming from company spokespeople.

Obama Meets with Buffett to Discuss Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama met briefly with entrepreneur Jimmy Buffett Tuesday morning as part of the administration’s corporate outreach program to discuss innovative ways of improving the crippled economy. The conversation was fueled by ideas about economic expansion, re-investment into America, ways to better prepare the next generation for future challenges, and how to effectively market an otherwise uninteresting product.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- What was meant to be a cheery holiday celebration quickly turned to disaster as Bennington Vale’s annual Christmas Parade spiralled into an abyss of injuries and rioting, reminiscent of the German Love Parade stampede in July. Although city officials continue to investigate the causes of the problem, the key catalysts seemed to be the inadequate disposal of medical needles, misprinted signage and the misunderstood presence of San Narciso’s “Holiday Man.”

PETA Attacks “Family Guy” Over Portrayal of Cannibalistic Reindeer

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Attorneys representing People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) filed a cease and desist order today against the Fox Broadcasting Company and Seth MacFarlane, creator of the animated comedy “Family Guy.” The order follows last night’s Christmas special, where in one scene carnivorous reindeer feast on the flesh of Santa’s inbred elves. Later in the episode, the reindeer, deprived of elf flesh, soon turn to cannibalism and devour each other, leaving a bloody but cartoonish trail of carnage to litter the ground of the show’s fictional New England suburb.

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Sal Alosi, the New York Jets’ strength and conditioning coach, is always telling his players to “get into the game.” And Alosi leads by example. As proof, Alosi got into the game himself on Sunday when he stuck out his knee and tripped Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll as the rookie ran along the sidelines to cover a punt. Officials are continuing their review of the incident, but sources inside the NFL have questioned Alosi’s tactics given that the Jets currently occupy the number six position in the league while the Dolphins have found themselves in an abysmally lower rank. Despite the trip, the Dolphins emerged victorious.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The Salvation Army was founded in 1865. Its first converts were alcoholics, heroin addicts, prostitutes and other "undesirables" unwelcome in polite Christian society. And for nearly 150 years, these undesirables proved their detractors wrong by running one of the most lucrative charities in existence. In recent times, however, the Army has found itself the subject of scandal, criticism and now violence. After appealing to the Catholic Church for guidance, Bennington Vale Salvation Army Captains recently received word that the Pope would be traveling to California this weekend to address the their concerns.

Metrodome Roof Deflates, Crushing Hopes of Men and Women Seeking Time Apart During Game

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The roof of the landmark Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, where the Vikings play their home games, deflated early Sunday morning, along with the hopes of men across the United States who now face the very real threat of spending Monday night at home with their spouses and children.

Plagued by vicious weather during the week and blizzards over the weekend, NFL officials had already postponed the Vikings-Giants game. Crews sent in to assess the damage said that the roof could not be repaired in time for Monday’s game. Although the damage is not believed to be extensive, officials fear for the safety of workers attempting to clear the snow off the dome in high winds.

College Freshman and Brewing Company Discover Cure for Social Anxiety Disorder

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females.

Social anxiety disorder (SAD), also called social phobia, is a growing problem in the United States. It's estimated to affect over 13 percent of the population, with a male to female ratio of 2:3. Those diagnosed with the disorder suffer from an excessive and irrational fear of social situations. Intense nervousness and self-consciousness arise from the false perception of being closely watched, judged and criticized by others.

Cheney Asks Americans for Money to Access Nigerian Bank Account and Fight Criminal Charges, Promises to Share Portion of Funds

ABUJA, Nigeria -- Earlier this week, the West African nation of Nigeria charged former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney with siphoning over $180 million in bribes to government officials. If convicted, Cheney could face three years in a Nigerian prison. Nigeria’s Economic and Financial Crimes Commission accused Cheney of making the payments while he was in charge of KBR, Halliburton’s engineering subsidiary prior to its divestiture in 2007. KBR admitted to the bribes and agreed to pay fines in the neighborhood of $597 million. International sources report that Halliburton is now entertaining a plea deal with Nigeria in which the company will settle the charges against Cheney for $500 million. But when Halliburton’s directors expressed skepticism about their ability to raise the capital in time, Cheney began sending emails to American citizens, asking for financial assistance.

MALIBU, Calif. -- Scandal rocked the celebrity infested Southern California beach community today when pop icon Hannah Montana, who recently turned 18, was caught smoking a bong at a party. Earlier this year, Montana stirred controversy when she publicly announced that she was really a local high schooler named Miley Stewart. Entertainment industry insiders verified the revelation, stating that Stewart’s emotionally abusive and controlling father forced her into a double life in order to live out his failed dreams of country music stardom through his daughter.

Westboro Baptist Church to Picket Elizabeth Edwards Funeral

TOPEKA, Kan. -- The controversial Westboro Baptist Church, led by Reverend Fred Phelps and known for its anti-gay and anti-America messages, has scheduled a series of upcoming protests, including picketing the funeral of Elizabeth Edwards. Prior to the passing of Elizabeth Edwards, the church had already slated demonstrations for mid-December in Philadelphia, involving two high schools and a Jewish Community Center. News of the church’s plans to march outside the Edenton Street United Methodist Church in Raleigh, N.C., where Edwards’ funeral is to be held, caused the church’s Web site to crash. Information Technology experts could not say whether the crash was the result of unprecedented traffic or an angry God.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Following in the footsteps of San Francisco, San Narciso’s City Council passed a measure this morning to ban local area McDonald’s restaurants from offering free toys in meals that exceed the set levels of calories, sugars and fats. The decision mostly affects the sale of the popular Chicken McNuggets Happy Meal. However, wanting to distance itself from what pundits have derided as “the radical socialism running amok” in the Bay Area, San Narciso has offered the fast food giant what it believes to be an equitable compromise.

Mayor Manny DiPresso told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript, “We’re not heartless monsters; far from it. We’re a business friendly community, but we also value the health of our children. The fact is, Chicken McNuggets are not just fatty, they contain chemicals that nutritionists are getting very worried about.”

Ruthless Banker Potter Saves Bedford Falls from Subprime Lender George Bailey

BEDFORD FALLS, N.Y. -- Two more financial institutions were closed in November by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 143, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. Allegiance Bank of North America was the most recent casualty of 2010. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls.

The example of George Bailey, the kind-hearted and altruistic proprietor of Bailey Savings & Loan, provides glaring proof of how good intentions so often pave the way to Hell.

Editorial: On the Passing of Elizabeth Edwards

EDITORIAL -- After a six-year battle with breast cancer, Elizabeth Edwards, the estranged wife of former Senator John Edwards (D-NC), died today at the age of 61. Elizabeth Edwards was a successful attorney and a voice that championed causes of women and children. She authored two noteworthy books dealing with the issues of cancer and children in poverty.

Edwards was an active political supporter during her husband’s unsuccessful runs for Vice President and then President. She was an outspoken supporter of equal rights, including gay marriage. She often talked openly in the media about upholding the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, although her stance fell into conflict with her husband’s political platform.

PITTSBURGH, Pa. -- The Steelers are no strangers to illegal hits, just as the Baltimore Ravens are no strangers to dealing them out. Sunday night’s game, which found Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger with a broken nose to complement his broken foot, was a stunning example of poor officiating. Stevie Johnson rushing to his defense and blaming God for the poor call was even more baffling.

According to Roethlisberger, "A hand came through my facemask and, the next thing I knew, blood was running down my face. I said to [referee Terry McAulay], ‘He hit me in the head.’ He said, ‘He was just trying to tackle you.' " The opposing player in question was Raven’s defensive tackle Haloti Ngata.

SANTA FE, N.M. -- "Dandy" Don Meredith, former Dallas Cowboys quarterback and sports entertainment legend throughout the 1970s and 1980s, died Monday of a brain hemorrhage. He was 72.

Meredith’s irreverent personality and farm boy sense of humor gained him a widespread following. It also propelled the then experimental “Monday Night Football” program into a national sensation. During his time as Howard Cossell’s co-anchor on the show, Meredith often served as a folksy foil to Cossell’s bombastic and pompous behavior.

Announcement -- Bennington Vale Christmas Parade Rules

SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT -- The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 11, 2010. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children or the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way. The parade ends at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours.

The placement of personal items along the parade route -- including your children, pets or virtually incapacitated senior citizens -- has in the past created pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic issues, in addition to numerous problems for local businesses. In an effort to prevent accidents or injuries, and in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, personal property or family members serving as human placeholders found along the parade route prior to the street closures will be confiscated at the direction of the San Narciso Police Department and taken to the Heritage Heights Library for pick-up after the event. Please note that all costs incurred from the caring of or cleaning up after your children or elderly will be cited back to you by the City.

Rising Porn Star Admits to Using Performance Enhancing Altoids

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Up-and-coming porn starlet Corrine Hardt was rapidly becoming a household name until she received a summons to appear before a Congressional Grand Jury to testify about her alleged use of performance enhancing drugs.

Hardt, a former yoga instructor who grew up in Bennington Vale but moved away before its values could be instilled, has earned a reputation as one of the adult film industry's most flexible actresses -- both in terms of scheduling and acting "agility." But her success has come with a price. Recently, fellow actresses have accused Hardt of engaging in unethical tactics to gain an unfair advantage in her films.

Ashton Kutcher's Alleged Mistress Brittney Jones Releases Sex Tape

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Brittney Jones, the woman with whom “actor” Ashton Kutcher allegedly had an affair, continues in her attempts to cash in on the rumor despite efforts by Kutcher and his wife, Demi Moore, to disprove the infidelity.

Adult Film Industry Considers Genetic Testing

SAN FERNANDO, Calif. -- The possibility of genetic testing in sports, particularly the Olympics, is a controversial measure that still looms on the horizon. The precedent this kind of testing might establish, however, is the real source of debate. If analyzing the genetic composition of individual athletes to determine an unfair, albeit natural, advantage in sports could lead to banning those athletes from participation, what then are the ramifications for other industries? Today, representatives from the Adult Film Industry Association of America address that question.

Oswald’s Coffin to be Auctioned in L.A., Experts Question Authenticity

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- A Los Angeles auction house announced Tuesday that it would be selling the pine box in which Lee Harvey Oswald, the suspected assassin of President John f. Kennedy, was buried for over 20 years. Bidding will begin at $1,000, but representatives at the auction house estimate the item to fetch a substantially higher amount of money with conspiracy buffs.

Interpol Hunts Julian Assange for Sex Crimes, Turns to WikiLeaks for Information

LYON, France -- Interpol, the global police agency, has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange, the founder of government whistle-blower organization WikiLeaks. Assange, a 39-year-old former computer hacker from Australia, has recently found himself embroiled in a worldwide intelligence conspiracy for publishing a wealth of classified U.S. diplomatic communications on his Web site. The arrest warrant, however, concerns allegations of sexual crimes for which Assange is wanted in Sweden. Assange has denied the charges.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For years, pharmaceutical companies and medical practitioners have not only been advising older patients to use vitamin D supplements but to increase their intake. The current recommendation is 600 international units (IUs), which is three times the former suggested dose of 200 IUs. Advocates insist that low levels of vitamin D contribute to heart disease and cancer. But new findings from nutritional scientists at Cornell University paint a much different picture, with escalating consumption rates creating the potential risk of kidney and tissue damage. A case study of vitamin D toxicity can be reviewed in this report.

Federal Agents Call Portland Bomb Plot Suspect "Confused" and "Ridiculous"

CORVALLIS, Ore. -- Mohamed Osman Mohamuda, a 19-year-old naturalized American from Somalia, was arrested Friday by federal agents. He was charged with plotting to detonate a bomb during a Christmas-tree-lighting ceremony in downtown Portland.

The imam at the Islamic center Mohamuda had attended in college told reporters that the boy appeared to be in a state of constant confusion. “He would say things that weren’t true. He told people that he was getting married, but he wasn’t. He told people that his real name was Wally. He told people that he was a gifted basketball player and lover. But all who knew Mohamuda saw through these lies.”

Computer Virus Attacks Iran's Uranium Enrichment Centrifuges

TEHRAN, Iran -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad admitted today that the country’s centrifuges, used in the highly controversial enrichment of uranium, had been infected with a malicious computer virus, supporting reports issued the week before by Western diplomats.

Ahmadinejad continues to insist that the nuclear program is aimed strictly at power generation, but major Western powers that include Russia, Iran’s longtime ally, have become increasingly concerned that the enrichment program will soon enable Iran to build and launch nuclear weapons. The likely target, as intimated in Ahmadinejad’s vitriolic speeches, would be Israel.

Ahmadinejad did not specify which virus had plagued the systems controlling the centrifuges, but other officials in the Iranian government described some of the adverse effects. Said one scientist on condition of anonymity, “The virus created problems for only a limited number of our centrifuges, but the software has not been restored yet. Whenever we attempt to access the compromised platforms, a strange man in a banana suit appears singing a song about peanut butter, jelly and baseball bats. Our top code breakers are working around the clock to decipher the message, which can only be attributed to a decadent Western regime.”

Heroic Doctor Alan Rumack Dead at 84

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Dr. Alan Rumack, one of the heroes responsible for the successful landing of distressed Trans American flight 209 to Chicago in 1980, has died of complications with pneumonia. He was 84.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems from a perceived design flaw in the drum kit.

“It’s been chaos in our Customer Service lines,” said Zeke Gersch, a Walmart manager in Bennington Vale. “We expected a lot of orders with Christmas coming up, but not this. All the games are screwed up. There’s only one drum stick in the box. Even worse, the drum kit itself has all these extra foot pedals that no one knows how to use. I can’t for the life of me figure out what the game-making people was thinking.”

Shop in Slovenia to Swap Misfit Toys for Practical Gifts

LJUBLJANA, Slovenia -- On a narrow cobbled street winding up to a medieval castle overlooking the Slovenian capital, the Darilnica gift shop opened this month. Darilnica is a place where people can exchange dubious Christmas gifts of any kind for something they really do want.

According to Reuters, "If your drawers are packed with the ghosts of Christmases past in the shape of unwanted gifts, a new Slovenian shop may be just the thing for you this year."

Four outcasts -- a failed silver prospector, a winged lion, an elf dentist and a reindeer with body image issues -- decided to open the shop to "make people think before giving presents," particularly at Christmas.

Holiday Theater Review: "Miracle on State Street"

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Today begins The Tank Players’ original production of “Miracle on State Street.” The musical play, which runs through December 19 at the Buffum Plaza Arts Center in Santa Calcetines, re-imagines the holiday classic “Miracle on 34th Street,” but told from the perspective of a group of damaged people in contemporary Chicago. The McDonald’s Thanksgiving Parade, formerly The State Street Holiday Parade, provides the backdrop of the story, just as the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade propels the events that unfold in “Miracle on 34th Street,” the inferior and now cliché basis of The Tank Players’ new show. Performance times and ticket prices can be found at the venue box office, the Tank Players’ Web site, and on our Community Events Calendar.

“Miracle on State Street” parallels the core character and plot elements of its predecessor, but there the similarities end. The underlying themes of State Street are much grittier and morally ambiguous. In the 1947 film, the acceptance of blind faith might be the epiphany that startles Maureen O’Hara’s pragmatic and independent character, Doris Walker, back into line with the subservient and unquestioning role of the ideal post-war woman, but State Street’s Doris Walkerinski learns that existential dread and apathy are the tools of survival in a corrupt and impoverished 21st century city that finds itself inching closer to ruin with each passing hour.

The action in State Street is often narrated in the style of a Greek chorus by a group of postal workers who carry muted bugles.

Obama Food Program Threatens Bush Weight Loss Policies

WASHINGTON, D.C -- Americans are still too fat, but obesity rates in the United States appear to be slowing, according to newly released research. Government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher.

“Obesity continues to be a significant health concern,” Marge Blomquat of the National Center for Health Statistics at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said in a telephone interview. Weighing in at a biscuit shy of 300 pounds, Blomquat can no longer travel outside her bedroom for in-person press briefings.

She added, “Around 17 percent of young people aged two to 19 are considered obese. But that’s an improvement.”

Blomquat’s studies show that the government under President George W. Bush had taken aggressive action to remedy the situation, with the benefits just now being realized. According to reports by the nation’s governors, as many as 27 states witnessed substantial decreases in food consumption and weight gain, especially in children, single mothers and African Americans.