January 2011

Monday, January 31, 2011

Economists Say Egypt’s Media Blackout Due to Unpaid Bills From Cuts in Aid

CAIRO, Egypt -- Flared tensions have turned to widespread chaos with a throng of Egyptians calling for the ouster of 82-year-old President Hosni Mubarak, whom they charge with 30 years of oppressive rule under a rigged, undemocratic election process. However, many view Mubarak, a secular leader, as strong on fighting religious discrimination and Islamic terrorism in the region. They also worry that Mubarak’s departure will lead to joblessness and economic decline. But liberals in the United States have focused solely on what they call Egypt’s “chilling communications blackout,” which sets a “dangerous global precedent.”

PENSACOLA, Fla. -- In December 2010, Judge Henry E. Hudson of the Federal District Court in Richmond, Va., struck down a key provision of the health care reform law that requires Americans to obtain commercial insurance. Today, Judge Roger Vinson of the Federal District Court in Pensacola, Fla., also ruled the law unconstitutional. But unlike his Virginia counterpart, Judge Vinson declared that the entire health care act should be repealed if appellate courts follow suit in invalidating the insurance requirement.

Sociologist Defends Tracy Morgan by Proving Sarah Palin is Masturbation Material

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- TNT has released an apology for Tracy Morgan’s reference to Sarah Palin as a sex object on last night’s “Inside the NBA” pregame show. During the live broadcast, Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley asked Morgan to settle a bet: Tina Fey or Sarah Palin? They were clearly not asking which woman was smarter or the better flautist. Morgan responded, in the manner popularized by the character he portrays on “30 Rock” and in his stage comedy, “Yo, let me tell you something about Sarah Palin. She’s good masturbation material.”

Media outlets across the country have chastised Morgan for poor judgment and crass comments. The insinuation is that some form of slander occurred, but did it? According to Regis Ketamine, leading sociologist at San Narciso College, the burden of proof rests on Sarah Palin to establish that she is somehow not masturbation material.

PETA Applauds Taco Bell’s Efforts to Eliminate Meat from Its Food

IRVINE, Calif. -- Think outside the bun? According to a lawsuit filed by a California woman, Taco Bell is thinking outside the slaughterhouse. The class-action suit, which seeks no monetary damages, objects to Taco Bell calling its products “seasoned ground beef” or “seasoned beef,” when a substantial amount of the filling is composed of water, isolated oat product, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agents, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch, and sodium phosphate. The meat-inspired product also contains seasonings and some trace amount of beef.

WikiLeaks Says DHS Plans to Ban Popular Angry Birds Video Game

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- According to news from insiders at WikiLeaks, officials within the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) are planning to pressure congressional senators and federal courts to enact a ban on the wildly popular video game Angry Birds. In the game, developed by Finland-based Rovio Mobile, players commandeer a slingshot to launch birds at green pigs ensconced within various structures, with the intent of destroying all the swine on the screen. DHS officials, however, say the game is not as innocuous as it may seem. In fact, the game fosters terrorism.

Reported Rise in Autism Coincides with Rise in Autism Treatment Drugs

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to figures released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), autism disorders have increased more than 60 percent over the last four years. Behavioral health scientist Catherine Rice, Ph.D., says it’s difficult to tell how much this data reflects actual increases in the disorder versus improvements in identifying conditions. Geraldine Dawson, Ph.D., the chief science officer for Autism Speaks, told WebMD, “Two decades ago, we were looking at a prevalence of one in 5,000 children. Now we’re looking at one in 100. That really is a staggering increase.”

But this dark cloud has a silver lining. Scientists think they may have identified the mutated chromosome responsible for causing the onset of the disorder. More importantly, and perhaps more presciently, pharmaceutical companies released an unprecedented number of drugs targeted at suppressing it, months before it was even discovered.

Comcast Fires Keith Olbermann from MSNBC

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Keith Olbermann, MSNBC’s most successful and controversial personality, whose outspoken prime-time show is one of last remaining counterpoints to Fox News, shocked his viewers with an abrupt goodbye, saying Friday would be his last show. MSNBC said only that they and Olbermann had ended their contract. Sources inside, however, say that Olberman was fired by the network’s new owner, Comcast.

Comcast executives refused to give any statements to the press, but an employee at the cable company’s 24-hour customer support line, which a Bennington Vale Evening Transcript reporter called for an unrelated billing matter, told a different story.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano has announced the expansion of the national “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign to hundreds of Walmart stores across the nation. Radical leftist organizations are already comparing the initiative to an Orwellian dystopia, with the DHS as Big Brother. Movements such as “You are the Resistance” and “V for Victory” sprung into being within hours of the announcement. The DHS says these groups, with their anti-establishment stance and anarchist message, are themselves skirting the fringe of internal terrorism.

Katy Perry Admits "I Kissed a Girl" About Husband Russell Brand

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Singer Katy Perry and British comedian Russell Brand shocked fans with their fast track to marriage last year, and in how they revealed the news to the public and each other via the Internet.

“Because neither Perry nor Brand has unique appeal or what might be considered passable talent,” said Tremaine Weldowhether, professor of media studies at San Narciso College, “they both rely on shock tactics, unconventional demeanor and public antics to maintain their celebrity status. True to form, Perry told entertainment media sources that she discovered Brand’s intention to propose through a Google alert.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Since learning of Phil Harris’ death last year, sociologists from San Narciso College have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life -- and more importantly, death -- in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings.

Regis Ketamine, who spearheads the project, said, “It may seem hasty, since we’re still finalizing the document, but our studies consistently point to a single truth: all U.S. citizens need to stay the hell away from Alaska. It’s full of monsters.”

Outraged Alabamians Accuse Newly Elected Governor Robert Bentley of Incest, Call for Impeachment

Photo courtesy the Associated Press

MONTGOMERY, Ala. -- Governor Robert Bentley, who has been in office for only three days, is still unloading boxes. But in his inaugural speech Monday, the conservative Republican unloaded some very pointed remarks tinged with overtones of religious discrimination, for which he is now facing harsh criticism.

While preaching to a crowd at Dexter Avenue King Memorial Baptist Church, Bentley implied to his constituents that unless they have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, he will not consider them his brothers and sisters.

San Narciso Police Remind Residents To Celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day Safely

SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT -- The San Narciso Police Department is reminding residents to observe today’s commemoration of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. safely and in the spirit of unity that Dr. King represented before his untimely demise. With the exception of Walmart, shopping malls, gas stations, grocery stores and restaurants, the majority of San Narciso County’s businesses are closed to observe the holiday. All federal offices and schools will also be closed. Traditionally, county schools remained open on MLK Day, but with the budget cuts and furloughs, today seemed like as good a day as any to give the students and teachers a break. Details can be found on the Community Events calendar.

One Year Later, Royal Caribbean’s Educational “How the Other Half Live” Cruises to Haiti Still Going Strong

LABADEE, Haiti -- There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.” Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government.

Despite the January 2010 earthquake, Royal Caribbean's Independence of the Seas went ahead with its scheduled stop at a fenced-in, private Haitian beach surrounded by armed guards, leaving its passengers to party just a few kilometers from one of the worst humanitarian disasters in the region’s history. That was a bold move which paid off well for the company. This month marks the one-year anniversary of both the life-shattering quake and Royal Caribbean’s introduction of educational cruise packages to the ravaged land. According to business analysts and relief workers, both are still going strong: Haiti remains a chaotic limbo of displaced souls, and drunken revelers from luxury liners come and go with alarming regularity.

Amid Rumors of Cross Dressing, Alleged Ex-Girlfriend Calls Kelsey Grammer a “Scat Freak”

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- Kelsey and Camille Grammer’s 13-year marriage came to an abrupt end this July when Kelsey announced his intentions to divorce Camille, just as she began filming “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Since that time, Kelsey has been courting a 29-year-old flight attendant named Katye Walsh.

Although the Grammer’s marriage lacked the uncomfortable displays of public groping or the marathon tartric sex session enjoyed by Sting and his wife, reported as approaching 18 years, Kelsey and Camille seemed to be thriving as a Hollywood couple. The truth of troubles in the romance not only came as a surprise but made national headlines after accusations of cross-dressing and infidelity, which Camille intimated during an interview this week with Howard Stern. But today, Kelsey Grammer’s public persona took another hit with new revelations of his deviant bedroom behavior. Blodwynn Meroving, who claims to have dated the “Cheers” and “Frasier” star in the early 1980s, suggested that cross-dressing was just part of Grammer’s sexual fetishes.

“Worse than wearing women’s clothes, Kelsey was a scat freak,” Meroving said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The next time a middle-aged barfly scoots over and asks about your sign, you may have to google the answer first. According to astronomer Parke Kunkle, progressive changes in the Earth’s alignment have altered the dates associated with astrological signs. Kunkle also revealed the existence of a thirteenth sign called Ophiuchus, the pronunciation of which remains a topic of confusion and hot debate. But the end result is that millions of people woke to the news this morning that they have been living in houses built on lies. Bennington Vale resident Ed Hyman, a former Scorpio who is now a Libra, says he sees no choice but to abandon all the relics of his former life and begin anew.

“How do you look in the mirror and not see a stranger?” Hyman lamented, close to tears. “A beautiful stranger who’s been sleeping with your wife, raising your kids, stealing your money, drinking your beer? No, I had to face facts and let Ed Hyman go his way. Those things, those precious people, they’re Ed’s, not mine. So I quit Ed’s job as line supervisor at Yoyodyne, and I’m going to divorce Ed’s wife. I need to figure out who I am now.”

Palin Says “Blood Libel” Comments Directed at TLC Jews Who Canceled Her Show

WASILIA, Alaska -- Sarah Palin, who had been noticeably silent since the Tucson shootings, published an impassioned denunciation of her detractors Wednesday. In the video, which went viral within hours of its release, Sarah Palin accused pundits and journalists of impetuously blaming divisive political rhetoric for dissension and violence in America. More interestingly, she invoked an arcane expression known as “blood libel,” a false accusation insinuating that Jews murder Christian children and use their blood in religious rituals, such as baking matzos for passover. That claim was circulated for centuries to incite anti-Semitism, justify violence against Jews, and to distract early Christians from asking too many questions about Communion.

CENTURY CITY, Calif. -- David Nelson, who essentially played himself as the eldest* child in the iconic American television series “The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,” died today at the age of 74. He was the last surviving member of the Nelson TV family. Doctors have told reporters that Nelson died of complications from colon cancer, the result of a lifetime of drinking warm Coke, but the mysterious presence of police investigators at the scene suggests a more complicated set of circumstances. Further fueling suspicion is news that Tony Dow, who played Wally Cleaver on “Leave it to Beaver,” has been taken into protective custody.

Police Warn Residents of Man Impersonating Gas Company Employee

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Police are warning San Narciso County residents to be on the lookout for a person who has been impersonating a gas company worker to gain access to local homes and businesses. The neighborhoods most likely to be affected are Bennington Vale and the gated community surrounding Lake Inverarity.

Two separate incidents were reported Friday where a uniformed man identified himself as an employee of San Narciso Gas and Oil, according to police.

Judge Brings Hammer Down on “The Hammer” Tom DeLay

AUSTIN, Texas -- As one political stalwart takes up the hammer as Speaker of the House, another “Hammer” sees the hammer fall on his career. On November 24, former House of Representatives Republican Leader Tom DeLay was found guilty of money laundering and conspiracy charges by a jury of people whom he referred to as “those living near my home.” DeLay’s attorney said that the congressman refused to acknowledge the jury as “his peers,” as most of his peers had already distanced themselves from government or were serving time themselves. Today, the presiding judge sentenced DeLay to three years in prison.

"Come See the Violence Inherent in the System!" Fred Phelps Praises God for Giffords Shooting

EDITORIAL -- I’ve been proud to have scooped the Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church on several occasions. Our articles have been cited as legitimate media sources by Internet juggernauts such as CNN, the Huffington Post, and more recently, Media Bistro. Because this is a satirical publication, these organizations prove an interesting point about the American media: it’s become a ratings free-for-all, on-demand, smoke-’em-if-you-got-’em, 24-hour cash machine, with the old vetting practices that once were part of responsible journalism just a zeitgeist of generations past. We’ve been attacked by several of the big, “real” media outlets for spoofing them. But in the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, “Who’s more foolish -- the fool or the fool who follows?”

Rare Democrat Congresswoman in Arizona Shot During Rally

TUCSON, Ariz. -- More violence swept through Arizona this morning with a second high-profile shooting. After a leading clothing retailer announced that one of its former executives had been shot dead by police in Nogales, authorities in Tucson reported that Representative Gabrielle Giffords had been shot at close range while hosting a “Congress on Your Corner” rally outside a grocery store. Representative Giffords was rushed to University Medical Center in Tucson, approximately 10 miles from the shooting.

A public information officer on the scene told media outlets that 12 people in all were injured as a result of the incident. The suspects remain at large.

NOGALES, Ariz. -- The Southern California headquarters of Abercrombie & Fitch, which owns the Hollister brand, issued a statement today confirming the death of a controversial former executive.

Hugh Humbert-Lardwick, a regional vice president from the United Kingdom, made headlines in 2010 after leading a group of unwitting British employees to Hollister, California, where they suffered a harrowing two-day ordeal. Humbert-Lardwick’s vehement and widely publicized criticism of the city drew a raft of reporters to the sleepy Central California community, which resulted in more exposure than either of the Hollisters deserved or wanted.

Keenen Ivory Wayans and Every Other Celebrity in the World Dead

Wayans discusses his death today with friends.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to a breaking story on Twitter, Keenen Ivory Wayans, the comedian and creator of the immensely popular sketch comedy “In Living Color,” has died. Using the feed @CNN, which is not the official feed of Cable News Network but carries with it enough gravitas for credulity’s sake, the tweet’s author went on to describe circumstances far more dire than Wayans’ death: every celebrity around the globe -- actors, musicians, authors, athletes, and rich people who appear on reality television shows -- has died. The news has shaken the very foundations of the world community and left billions wondering what they have to look forward to after a long day of work.

David Lynch Slated to Direct John Edwards Biopic

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- More trouble for John Edwards surfaced this week when it was revealed that his estranged wife, Elizabeth Edwards, had written him out of her will. Elizabeth Edwards died on December 6 after losing her six-year battle with breast cancer. Just days before her demise, Elizabeth Edwards appointed her eldest daughter, Catherine, as executor of the will. In the document, Edwards bequeathed all her possessions to her children, making no mention of her former husband. Cate will also make the decisions on how to divide Edwards’ possessions for those who will become guardians to the couple’s two younger children.

John and Elizabeth Edwards legally separated in January 2010 after John admitted to fathering a child with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. But the scandal worsened when, at the time, a close family friend told various gossip publications that the disgraced Democratic presidential candidate had struck his cancer-stricken wife during a shocking marriage-ending brawl.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A group of private investigators and surveillance experts, all former employees of Few and Shue Security in San Narciso County, revealed today that they had secretly placed cameras and audio recording equipment in Tom Cruise’s Bennington Vale compound over four years ago. The admission comes as part of an ongoing federal investigation concerning the Church of Scientology and its dubious practices. Officials from Child Protective Services have requested the footage because it purportedly captures details about the circumstances leading to baby Suri’s conception.

Suri Holmes Cruise, born in 2006, is the daughter of celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise and his wife, Katie Holmes.

New Speaker Boehner Tearfully Accepts Gavel, Robert Gibbs Plans Resignation

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- They say that when one door closes, another opens. Such was the case in Washington today as White House spokesman Robert Gibbs announced his plans to resign. But while one political speaker prepared to face a future of silence, another readied himself for oratory.

John Boehner, the new speaker of the House, took up the gavel this morning and pledged through a cataract of tears and sobs a new era of change for the Republican Party. After aides retrieved a box of tissues for the GOP’s golden boy, a reference often attributed to his jaundiced complexion and nicotine-stained teeth, Boehner promised to aggressively drive forward the conservative agenda that brought his party back to power. CSPAN reporters stated that not since the premier of “Ishtar” had they seen so much excitement on the House floor.

Alien TV Signal Scare Linked to Advanced Terrestrial Civilization

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- This past weekend, local cable television provider RJ Fletcher Communications received numerous reports that one of their channels was broadcasting an extraterrestrial signal. Callers to the company’s customer service line indicated that although the race looked human and seemed to be speaking English, the civilization appeared far more advanced and cultured than our own.

Thousands of Dead Blackbirds Fall on Arkansas as Part of Movie Advertising Stunt

Photo courtesy of MSNBC

BEEBE, Ark. -- Terror rained down from the skies on Friday over the sleepy Arkansas town of Beebe, just northeast of Little Rock. Wildlife experts and ornithologists worked through the weekend to unravel the mystery surrounding the deaths of 3,000 red-winged blackbirds that fell from the heavens on New Year’s Eve over a 1.5 square mile section of the town. The event prompted panic and evoked images of a biblical apocalypse. Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church immediately accused Arkansas of harboring a covert population of homosexuals, thereby incurring the wrath of God. But this morning, a movie studio in California admitted that the scare was part of a poorly conceived promotional campaign for a 2013 remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A bug discovered in Apple iPhones and iPod Touch devices kept alarms from sounding, while archaic analog clocks continued to ring in 2011 without viruses or disruptions. Apple advised that the glitch would correct itself by Monday, January 3, but consumer groups have reported persistent problems. As a result, millions of Americans failed to wake up over the last three days, causing an unprecedented number of unexcused absences in businesses across the country. Even worse, attendance for New Year’s Day bowl games and parades fell to historic lows, crippling the already embattled economy.