SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The next time a middle-aged barfly scoots over and asks about your sign, you may have to google the answer first. According to astronomer Parke Kunkle, progressive changes in the Earth’s alignment have altered the dates associated with astrological signs. Kunkle also revealed the existence of a thirteenth sign called Ophiuchus, the pronunciation of which remains a topic of confusion and hot debate. But the end result is that millions of people woke to the news this morning that they have been living in houses built on lies. Bennington Vale resident Ed Hyman, a former Scorpio who is now a Libra, says he sees no choice but to abandon all the relics of his former life and begin anew.

“How do you look in the mirror and not see a stranger?” Hyman lamented, close to tears. “A beautiful stranger who’s been sleeping with your wife, raising your kids, stealing your money, drinking your beer? No, I had to face facts and let Ed Hyman go his way. Those things, those precious people, they’re Ed’s, not mine. So I quit Ed’s job as line supervisor at Yoyodyne, and I’m going to divorce Ed’s wife. I need to figure out who I am now.”


Hyman’s soon-to-be ex-wife, Eunice, is still reeling from the shock of the morning’s events.

“I found him crying in the bathroom around seven o’clock,” Mrs. Hyman told reporters. “He was trying to, I think he was trying to cut his wrists with a razor. But it was the plastic Lady Bic I use to shave my legs, so he just ended up with some red marks; he’s very pale. Ed wouldn’t answer me when I said his name. He kept staring at his reflection and bawling, ‘Who are you? Why have you stolen my life?’”

Eunice Hyman said that when she put her hand on her husband’s shoulder to calm him, he shrugged it off and stormed out of the room.

“He told me he was going to see his lawyer to file a divorce,” Mrs. Hyman continued. “Our daughter was frightened. Ed’s behavior was erratic and uncharacteristic. She said, ‘Daddy, what’s wrong?’ and Ed glared at her, with crazy eyes, and screamed, ‘I’m not your daddy, little girl!’ Then he burst into tears, buried his face in his hands, and bolted out the front door. He tripped over the garden hose and lay there for a while. But eventually, he got up and ran off.”

Ed Hyman -- who as a Scorpio was once fiercely independent, introverted, goal-oriented, and a bit of a control freak -- tells The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that it will take a long time for him to transition to what he describes as “the person God intended me to be.”

And as a Libra, that means Hyman is learning to embrace an extroverted, almost co-dependent attachment to other people, while studying elements of Taoism to help acclimate him to a lazier and more sedentary lifestyle.

“Sure, it’ll take time,” Hyman mused wistfully. “But time is all I have left now.”