May 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Conservative Political Group Seeks Ban on Memorial Day Celebrations as Unpatriotic

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a startling political maneuver on Friday, San Narciso’s largest conservative committee -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- filed a motion with officials to ban all future Memorial Day celebrations within county lines. Not until Tuesday did the group make public its reasoning behind the petition. Speculation about ARSWYPE’s motives overshadowed the remembrance ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity and the Porpentine Mound cemetery in Bennington Vale. But for all the theories offered, Carlisle Olden-Whitely, the chairman of ARSWYPE, finally clarified his group’s intent: “ARSWYPE considers Memorial Day the most offensive affront to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, and it must be abolished.”

GENEVA, Switzerland -- A group of 31 scientists from the World Health Organization’s (WHO) International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) stated Tuesday that a review of all available scientific evidence suggested a link between an increased risk for glioma, a type of brain cancer, and mobile phone usage.

A spokesperson for the IARC study said, “More lengthy and detailed research is needed before we can provide a definitive answer on the link, but at this point in time, the evidence we’ve reviewed -- both empirical and anecdotal -- is overwhelming. Ironically, it appears that smart phones are in fact making people stupider, possibly by creating brain tumors.”

Canada Court Rules That Unconscious People Cannot Consent to Sex, Threatening GOP Bill to Narrow Definition of Rape

CALGARY, Alberta -- In a stunning legal maneuver with sweeping international ramifications, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled Friday that unconscious individuals cannot consent to sex. Therefore, having sex with a person who is not conscious at the time constitutes sexual assault. The ruling further stipulates that partners who black out during sex play -- specifically from erotic asphyxiation, even when mutually agreed upon at the start -- shall not be considered consenting under the law. As a result of setting this new precedent, countries around the world expect the law to make its way onto their own books, with detrimental consequences. In the United States, for example, the law threatens to reverse the GOP’s bill to simplify and correct the definition of rape, proposed by Republican Chris Smith.

DuPont Abandons Tornado Protection Products and Unveils “Tiger Sheen” STD Vaccine for Fleet Week

WILMINGTON, Del. -- Founded in 1802, and operating in nearly 90 countries, DuPont has made a name for itself innovating products and services for markets that include agriculture, nutrition, electronics, communications, safety and protection, home and construction, transportation, and apparel. For example, during the 2008 tornadoes that leveled Greensburg, Kan., DuPont donated over $750,000 worth of special materials to rebuild the town and ensure its protection during future disasters. But now, with Fleet Week taking hold of New York City, DuPont has unveiled a revolutionary product designed to immunize saucy sailors and their wenches from all manner of sexually transmitted disease (STD). The drug, branded as Tiger Sheen, is currently available only through the Veterans Administration.

Responding to Disturbance Call at Mensa Meeting, Area Police Mistakenly Raid Autistic Senior Center

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- San Narciso County remains locked in a political and economic struggle to restore a sense of normality in the aftermath of Harold Camping’s failed Rapture prediction. County officials told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that they are still unable to assess the full extent of the damage, marauding, and what is now being called the “Maxwell Street Massacre Redux.” Unfortunately, their efforts have been stalled by a new scandal stemming from accusations of senior abuse, involving three officers with the San Narciso Police Department (SNPD).

President Obama Now Claims to be Irish, Birthers Outraged

MONEYGALL, Ireland -- U.S. President Barack Obama, whose place of birth remains an ambiguous and hotly contested issue on all sides of the political fence, created a new uproar on Monday by claiming Irish ancestry. Introduced by Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny as “the American Dream come home,” President Obama elicited cheers from a throng of admirers in Dublin, saying, “My name is Barack Obama, of the Moneygall Obamas.”

Not surprisingly, birther champions such as Donald Trump and Bill Posey (R-Fla.) seized on the opportunity to once again question the President’s apparent confusion over his own identity.

Day Eight of May 21 Apocalypse: KCUF Radio's "End of Days" Play List

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Wendell “Mucho” Maas -- operator of KCUF radio in San Narciso County, and contributing music editor for The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript -- has put together an eclectic Judgment Day playlist to help fritter away the hours until the end. Tune in to KCUF for more apocalypse-themed songs, which will begin broadcasting at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday, May 21. Programming will conclude, along with the rest of the world, at 6:00 p.m.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

News in Photos: Google to Release "Doomsday Doodle" for May 21 Apocalypse

Click to enlarge

With Judgment Day nearly upon us, Google has created a very special Doodle -- the last of its kind -- to commemorate its successes and loyal user community. A company spokesperson said, "It's hard to believe we must part so soon, but search for us in Heaven. We're not sure about access to technology in the sweet hereafter, but we're confident that voice and image searches can still be conducted. We thank you all. By having access to your data, we feel that we've really gotten to know you intimately...perhaps better than your own families. You will be missed. Rest assured, we never sold any of your search information to marketing companies. Good luck in Hell, Facebook."

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day Six of May 21 Apocalypse: Harold Camping Narrows Down Identity of Antichrist

Courtesy Universal Pictures

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.

News in Photos: Oprah Winfrey and the Number of the Beast

Perhaps it’s no coincide that the final episode of Oprah Winfrey’s long-running, eponymous talk show will fall in line with Earth’s final days. Winfrey’s often been credited as a spiritual woman with friends in high places. But with the guest list cloaked in mystery, fans are asking more dire questions about whom Oprah Winfrey will be parading out to meet them at the End of Days. Based on a Google News search conducted Tuesday afternoon at 2:40 p.m. PDT, the answer could be more disturbing than imagined. Should Oprah supporters worry that the Number of the Beast was revealed in the article counts pertaining to her last show?

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

Day Five of May 21 Apocalypse Signs: The Smiths and Pink Floyd to Reform for Judgment Day

LONDON, U.K. -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.

Day Four of May 21 Apocalypse: Stephen Hawking Denounces Heaven and Catholic Church Loses Majority of Priests After Child Molestation Crackdown Announcement

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

Day Three of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters, Area Retailers to Sell Rapture Kits

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.

First Disaster of May 21 Apocalypse Hits Spain

LORCA, Spain -- As Harold Camping’s eschatology theories of a May 21 apocalypse near, the first in the prophesied series of disasters has come to pass in Spain. Nations around the world extended condolences to the Spanish people over the tragedy. The extreme fundamentalist Christian followers of Harold Camping, however, were said to be thrilled with news of the incident (read the original Harold Camping article here).

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake, felt from Alicante to Madrid, destroyed several buildings on Wednesday, including a medieval church bell tower. It was the worst earthquake to hit Spain in over 50 years.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- By now, everyone in Bennington Vale has seen the signs promising the end of days on May 21, 2011. The prophecy is being spread by Family Stations, a 53-year-old Christian radio network with over 60 outlets. Family Stations is so convinced that God is ready to receive His devoted flock this year that they have posted over 3,200 billboards worldwide with the message: “The Bible guarantees it!”

According to their prediction, the world will be progressively shaken apart by earthquakes, beginning at 6:00 p.m. EDT on May 21 and continuing through October 21. During this period of cataclysm, the Rapture will call all true believers back to Heaven. As a result, and with heavy heart, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript is issuing final paychecks to some staff members and preparing to temporarily cease publication at the end of next week -- which is also the end of the world.

Study Discovers Higher Rates of Autism in Educationally Superior South Korea, U.S. Struggles to Compete

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- A new study finds that approximately one in every 38 children in South Korea may have some form of autism, which outpaces the U.S. estimate of one in 166. Researchers had expected to find higher rates by using a broader survey sample and by focusing on children in mainstream school populations, but they were surprised at how high the rates were. According to the report, two-thirds of the children with autism traits in the study had no previous diagnosis, nor had they received any special services.

Regis Ketamine, a leading sociologist at San Narciso College, called the results of the South Korean analysis troubling: “The U.S. must find a way to increase its number of autistics, if we are to compete against Asians in math and science.”

Moviegoers Uncomfortable Paying to See Mel Gibson’s “Beaver”

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Based on the box office receipts reported from this weekend, moviegoers are more than a little reluctant to see beleaguered actor Mel Gibson stick his hand in an old beaver for 90 minutes. Gibson’s latest film, a dark comedy-drama directed by Jodie Foster, earned a meager $104,000 during its first three days of limited release. Having fallen from the pedestal he built for himself with blockbusters such as “Braveheart” and “Passion of the Christ,” Gibson had placed high hopes of recapturing his past cinematic glory on a tatty beaver.

Critics at Gibson’s press junket alleged that at several points in the conference, the actor blamed his current predicament on “messing around with the wrong beavers,” though they could offer no explanation on the meaning of the comment.

Man with Bad Fashion Sense, Love of Cheap Beer and Original Ed Hardy Tattoos Sues Town Over Derogatory References to Feminine Hygiene Product

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Ten years ago, nobody in San Narciso would have given Hart Garrity a second thought. He relocated to the North Viaduct area of the county from Venice Beach in the mid-1980s to make a new start. Garrity admits that in his wilder days, he was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking, coke-snorting, motorcycle-riding, heavily tattooed rebel whose arrest record contained more information about his life than his resume. But today, much to his chagrin, Garrity has become a local folk hero for the counter-culture youth of Bennington Vale. And he wants it to stop.

“I came here to be left alone,” Garrity said, “not for a bunch of spoiled yuppies to idolize me or make fun of me -- I can’t tell which it is, but I’m getting goddamn sick and tired of being called a ‘hipster douche bag’ every time I leave the house.”

Area Woman, and GOP Activist, Mysteriously Jumps to Death from Cruise Ship

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After a passenger failed to disembark from a Celebrity Cruise ship on Wednesday, a thorough search of the vessel concluded that the woman was not on board. Footage taken aboard the ship showed the 39-year-old woman straddling a railing Monday night and letting go. The Coast Guard suspended its search after reviewing the closed circuit video.

Obama Will Not Release Photos of bin Laden, Citing Risks with Facebook’s Privacy Policies

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After days of wrestling with the issue of whether to release photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, President Obama announced Wednesday that the images would not be distributed because of potential risks.

“We’ve done DNA sampling and testing, and so there was no doubt we had killed Osama bin Laden,” Obama told correspondents on “60 Minutes,” responding to concerns that the man killed was not the infamous head of al Qaeda. But White House advisers and military leaders certified that bin Laden had died during the U.S. raid on the compound in Pakistan on Monday, and agreed that producing the photos for public viewing could create serious problems for domestic security.

Celebrity* Andy Dick was arrested again, this time at a restaurant in Temecula, Calif. Officers who responded to the disturbance said Dick was drunk and disorderly.

“He was basically behaving like a Dick. But after eight prior arrests and years of inexplicable celebrity, a crime in itself, we’ve come to expect that,” said one police officer at the scene. “He’s always going to be a Dick. That’s just a part of his nature. And after he gets out of jail, I’m sure he’ll start acting like a Dick in some other place. It’s unfortunate for all the other people who have to be subjected to this.”

*Editor’s Note: The original article erroneously cited Andy Dick as a “comedian.” We have since corrected this mistake.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Three-Year-Old Boy Shoots Father, DA Alleges History of Criminal Behavior

SAN NARCISO, Calif. - On May 2, a local three-year-old boy shot his father, a San Narciso police officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Bennington Vale. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition.

Republicans Demand Osama bin Laden’s Long-form Death Certificate

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Sunday’s news of Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of the U.S. military was met with mixed reactions around the nation. Outside the White House grounds, crowds packed the streets to cheer as President Obama announced to the world the details of the operation that led to the terrorist’s demise. Former presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani mysteriously departed from his prepared statement to the press, instead muttering “911” over and over again with uncertain tears in his eyes. And Fox News’ Roger Ailes suspended programming for a moment of silence to commemorate the loss of the network’s greatest asset.

“This may be a precursor of a much longer silence to come,” Ailes reportedly told colleagues. “Really, what are we going to talk about now? We’ve lost America’s greatest villain. And by that, I mean President Obama. He’s going to be untouchable now.”

News in Photos: Osama bin Laden Disappointed with His 72 Virgins

Osama bin Laden -- killed by U.S. forces that were led by America's most liberal, socialist, hippie Commander-in-Chief -- will finally meet the 72 virgins awaiting Islamic martyrs in the afterlife. Unfortunately, the prophesied reward of chaste sexual servants comes with very few specifics.