LONDON, U.K. -- Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have often told reporters that a reunion would happen only if the world was about to end. With that eventuality slated for May 21, the musicians have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band. Progressive rock legends Pink Floyd have also agreed to a live Judgment Day concert under a similar rationale.

The Smiths
The Smiths were an English rock group formed in Manchester in 1982, driven by the songwriting partnership of Steven Morrissey (vocals) and Johnny Marr (guitar). Critics have called them the most important alternative rock band to emerge from the British independent music scene of the 1980s. The Smiths enjoyed limited commercial success outside the United Kingdom while they were still together, but have since developed a strong cult following. Their rabid fan base is testament to the allure of Morrissey’s mordant, tongue-in-check humor and Marr’s 60s-influenced guitar arrangements, especially considering that the group never released a single that charted higher than number 10 in their home country. The group disbanded in 1987 amid disagreements.

Despite years of tearful and angst-laden appeals from manic fans, Morrissey and Marr turned down several proposals to reunite and play. In 2006, after organizers of the Coachella Music Festival offered The Smiths $5 million to perform, Morrissey famously told British entertainment industry magazine Uncut that he would “rather eat [his] own testicles than re-form The Smiths, and that’s saying something for a vegetarian.”

Based on the news today, it would seem that Morrissey no longer sees meat as murder and is preparing to feast on his manhood.

Johnny Marr and Steven Morrissey announced that The Smiths have reached an “end of the world scenario” understanding and will finish recording a new album in studio for immediate release. The working title is “Making Fat Girls Cry.”

The songwriting duo assure fans that the forthcoming record will also wring sobs from sexually confused young men and ironic hipsters. Proposed tracks include titles such as “Bastard Angels,” “Biscuit Massacre and Nosebleed Suicide,” “Bollocks - Food of the Gods,” “Blair Bitch Project,” “Thatcher Cottage,” “I’ll Save You from Me,” “That Thing in My Mirror,” and “The Vicar’s Ballgag.”

Insiders also report a hidden track, dedicated to the May 21 End Times prophet Harold Camping, called “Beastly Family’s Gone Camping.”

Morrissey and Marr promised fans the original line up, with Andy Rourke (bass) and Mike Joyce (drums) joining them in Spain where they have transformed a villa into a comfortable recording studio. Diehard followers received news of the reunion with a mix of euphoria and confusion, the bewilderment arising over who Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce were.

Pink Floyd
Pink Floyd became widely heralded as pioneers of the progressive rock era, and the group retains a strong fan following today. The band also boasts one of the music industry’s longest best-selling albums of all time. They have sold over 200 million records worldwide, including 74.5 million in the United States alone. The band was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1996.

Head lyricist and bassist Roger Waters left the group in 1985 amid deep disagreements and legal battles with the remaining band members. Although several hints at a reunion have been discussed since that time, neither Waters nor current Pink Floyd frontman David Gilmour could resolve their differences. Further complicating matters was the death of keyboardist Richard Wright in 2008.

However, with the End of Days looming, all surviving band members have agreed to set aside their conflicts and reunite for a live performance of “The Wall” on May 21, beginning at 6:05 p.m. EDT, approximately five minutes after the apocalypse.

In a jointly issued press statement, Pink Floyd bandsmen explained the unorthodox scheduling: “We wanted to capitalize on the supernatural moment of Rapture, when the worlds of the living and dead crossed over and merged with one another, so that we could perform with the full Pink Floyd line up, including its founding members.”

Waters and Gilmour hope to invite deceased Pink Floyd musicians Richard Wright and original lead singer/guitarist Syd Barrett, whom Gilmour later replaced, on stage for several of the songs. Barrett died in 2006.

For continuing coverage of the planet’s last days, check the “Countdown to the End Time” section of the paper.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.