The search warrant noted that authorities were seeking evidence related to Financial Aid Fraud, Conspiracy, Theft of Government Funds, False Statement to Government Agency and Wire Fraud. However, the judge who signed the warrant specifically deleted the line authorizing the search for “contraband or any other item that is immediately apparent to be evidence of a crime,” leading critics to question the use of excessive force...and why the Department of Education has an armed paramilitary.
Strength Lies in Attack, Not Defense
An official who oversees government enforcement services clarified on Thursday that federal agents with the Office of the Inspector General (OIG), not local police or S.W.A.T. units, served the search warrant. Relti Floda, secretary of the Office of Recovery and Weaponized Enforcement Leverage (ORWEL), explained that the OIG is a semi-independent branch of the U.S. Department of Education that executes warrants for criminal offenses such as student aid fraud and embezzlement.
“We try to keep these branches of government low profile, but the OIG has been gaining attention lately,” Floda said. “Now, it’s in the public eye.”
In 2010, the Washington Post reported that the Education Department had purchased 27 Remington Brand Model 870 police 12-gauge shotguns to replace old firearms used by the OIG. Because of budget cuts, most of those funds were raised by local PTAs.
Floda also revealed that “nearly every government agency has a law enforcement arm, which necessarily operates outside the parameters of a layperson’s constitutional rights.”
“The IRS, Education Department and obviously the Postal Service, they all have federally sanctioned thugs,” Floda said.
“Did you know that DMV employees carry pistols and are legally accorded the right to open fire should the ‘secure and reasonable delegation of the agent’s duties become compromised, disputed or otherwise impugned by civilians?’ Translation: if you argue with the grumpy old Mexican woman who just flunked you on your driver’s exam, you face the imminent threat of death. And the United States Department of Agriculture? They’re not packing meat, they’re packing heat as the tactical arms unit of the Drug Enforcement Agency. If it can be grown -- and if the DEA bans it from private sale or use -- then the USDA has the authority to break down your doors and shoot your children in their faces with automatic rifles. And thanks to the RICO Act, they get to loot your house to help ‘offset the burden of administrative costs.’ But in my opinion, the groups to really avoid are the American Battle Monuments Commission, Rural Housing Service, National Endowment for the Humanities, the Advisory Council on Historic Preservation, and the Capitol Visitor Center -- do not, and I can’t stress this enough, do not screw with those people. They’re bloodthirsty, ruthless goons. I’ve seen them do things that would make your eyes vomit.”
School Commissioner Finally Sheds Light on the Crime
Amid conflicting reports, residents were left to wonder why the Education Department sent heavily armed stormtroopers into battle on the front lawn of a suburban home. Adding to the controversy was the agency’s initial refusal to comment on the crime under investigation. Neighbors speculated that the raid involved unpaid student loans. Officials denied those allegations, saying only that they were pursuing Kittle’s wife, Irene, for a criminal matter.
According to School Commissioner Marissa Olden-Whitely -- sister of the chairman of San Narciso’s Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- Irene Kittle’s crime involves embezzlement. It also violates several provisions of the sweeping education reforms taking place in the county, inspired by Wisconsin and Texas.
“Schools in America are expensive and under-performing. Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. Our students aren’t competitive internationally. Therefore, public schools are wrong. In San Narciso, we’ve made drastic changes and cut out all the fat. That includes poor performing teachers -- based solely on district test scores -- and wasteful education programs with no relevance to modern society. We’re also beginning to privatize our schools to ensure that those students in the most formative grade levels receive a more accurate, competitive, cost efficient and conservative-friendly curricula. Not every child will make it into the new school system, for good cause. Universal education is the most corroding and disintegrating poison that liberalism has ever invented for its own destruction. Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized, not encouraged to continue expressing their insane ideals. We fired Mrs. Kittle months ago for just those reasons. She was an insubordinate socialist. But now we discover that she’s been running an underground school.”
Irene Kittle stands accused of operating a renegade school, supported by charitable contributions from the parents of its “students.” Olden-Whitely says this violates countless laws: “The school is unlicensed. She has not applied for a business permit. She has not paid her city dues. And not only is Mrs. Kittle illegally siphoning money from rightful institutions, she is guilty of luring pupils to truancy by coercing them to attend her unauthorized school.”
Witnesses allege that Kittle is also teaching subjects recently banned in the district, such as Western Literature, Art, Civics, Macro Economics, World History, Comparative Religions, Nutrition and Sexual Education/Health.
“She was actually overheard telling a student that Intelligent Design was, and I quote, ‘stupid.’ The OIG will eventually hunt down this dangerous criminal,” Olden-Whitely assured. “And if she refuses to come peacefully, then so be it. The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence. I think you’ll be hearing a lot more about the OIG in months to come, until law and order are restored to America’s corrupted public education system.”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.