Crystal Harris, the 25-year-old bombshell engaged to Hugh Hefner, has called off their engagement, saying, “I have the utmost respect for Hef, but he just couldn’t make it work. Know what I mean?” Harris was vague about the details, but sources close to the couple say Hefner’s little known Captain and Tennille fetish is a major turnoff for Harris.

“It’s just weird seeing [Hef] dressed up as Daryl Dragon,” one friend said. “And the way he sings ‘The Way I Want to Touch You’ and ‘Lonely Night,’ there’s something strange and desperate about it. I don’t think love will keep them together, by itself. Maybe it’s time for Crystal to ‘Shop Around.’”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.