Courtesy Twisted Pictures

PHILADELPHIA, Penn. -- Republican Charlie Dent (R-Penn.) has emerged as the lead co-sponsor of embryonic stem cell legislation, offering key Republican support for a controversial bill that nearly all social conservatives revile. Dent’s peers in the GOP, who roundly objected to the bill on religious and moral grounds, claimed that stem research destroys viable embryos for the purposes of harvesting cells. However, Dent argued that the bill “does establish ethical criteria for stem cell research, and I think that’s very, very important.” To be eligible for federal funding, Dent explained, researchers could use only leftover embryos (those never implanted in a woman) that would otherwise be discarded.

Despite Dent’s efforts to explain the simple and logical science behind the process, his intelligently designed counterparts continued to warn that stem cell research would ultimately lead to a cannibalistic society from the pages of science fiction’s most horrifying dystopias: “It’s bad enough that liberals in Congress keep pushing for this mythical ‘Green Energy,’ now we have someone within our ranks carrying the banner for ‘Soylent Green Energy.’”

Abortion and Stem Cell Research Remain GOP Targets for 2012
Diana DeGette (D-Colo.), the bill’s sponsor, acknowledged the need for a Republican co-sponsor. But Dent alone is unlikely to drive the bill through. Previously, five other Republicans had attempted to co-sponsor the legislation, but withdrew their support days after offering it.

Dent also faces extremely religious Republicans who will be using opposition for the bill as part of their campaign strategies. Michelle Bachmann has voted against expanding research to more embryonic stem cell lines. She is also an outspoken advocate of ending all federal funding to Planned Parenthood clinics, which she called “abortion mills.”

Bachmann lost a child years ago to a miscarriage. Since then, she has compensated by producing five children of her own, and taking in 23 foster children. Psychologists say that Bachmann’s miscarriage provided the impetus for her “pathological hoarding,” which seems to have manifested itself in people, not cats or empty soda bottles. They also believe Bachmann fears that “stem cell harvesters in gas masks and jack boots” will come after people like her who, as she said, “have more kids than they need.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry, another Republican contender for the 2012 presidential race, promised to veto any bills that supported state-funded embryonic research.

After calling President Obama an “exporter of abortion,” Perry also declared, “I’m especially proud that within the last few weeks, I signed a bill that will not allow any child to be aborted in Texas without the mother first having a sonogram,” referencing the controversial Texas Senate Bill 16, or the Forced Sonogram Bill.

The Forced Sonogram Bill mandates that Texas women undergo an ultrasound, hear a detailed description of the fetus, and then wait a full 24 hours before receiving abortion care. For women who still elect to terminate their pregnancies, professional mourners are brought in by the state to wail and moan throughout the procedure.

Perry vowed that if the stem cell legislation passed, he would create an even “scarier” bill to dissuade Texans from considering participation. According to insiders, Perry’s more severe “Frankenstein Bill” would allow geneticists to clone human offspring from stored stem cells and then force the biological parents to watch as firing squads execute their cloned infants.

The Fallacy of Stem Cell Harvesting
Progressive political pundit Ferrel Michaels said that conservatives are merely “echoing the same line of paranoid ignorance about stem cell harvesting that George W. Bush used in June 2007 to attack previous stem cell legislation. As usual, Bush made his moral arguments about embryonic stem cell research leading to ‘fetus farming,’ boys and girls becoming ‘spare parts,’ and other preposterous platitudes that defied logic and reality. But neo-conservatives still don’t get it, no matter how much we dumb down the argument.”

Conservatives adamantly believe embryonic stem cell research will lead to the destruction of unborn babies, currently in the form of frozen embryos left over from in vitro fertilization attempts. However, those 200,000 plus frozen embryos currently reside in labs until a decision is made on what to do with them. If the embryos are no longer wanted, or after a specified period of time has elapsed (about five years), the National Institutes of Health authorize the destruction of the embryos by incineration.

A frustrated Dent struggled to explain the process to other House Republicans: “These unborn babies you want to protect from stem cell extraction will be destroyed anyway. Why not use the stem cells to help others? It’s like saying an organ donor card will cause more car accidents.”

Unfortunately, Dent’s speech caused several Representatives to begin debating bills to outlaw the practice of organ donations. At that point, Dent grabbed a piece of paper and some crayons: “So, here’s my last ditch effort, ladies and gentlement. I’ve literally drawn it out for you, in a format you’re probably more familiar with. If you still can’t figure it out, please ask your children for assistance.”




(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.