COLUMBUS, Ohio -- According to a baffling study printed by the Associated Press, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. The study, produced by the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, is the first of its kind. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Jack, continues to drown once a week and then resurrect.

“The primary method of prevention is constant adult supervision, supplemented by barriers, alarms and other related devices,” said John Smith, the doctor overseeing the research team at the hospital. “We encourage homeowners to purchase additional layers of protection and to be more mindful of their children’s activities.”

But Phillip Harkness, the father of the seemingly immortal boy, said pool safety was now the least of his concerns: “What the hell are these doctors yammering about? Christ Almighty, Jack drowned and then came back to life. I don’t know squat about CPR. He just, just, I don’t know, he resurrected like that Lazer guy in the Bible. Now he does it on a lark to see what’ll happen. Last night I caught him sitting in the pool with a toaster. No pulse. He’d eaten glass, sucked down a bottle of chlorine, and was watching ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ on the portable TV -- the complete series! No human could survive all that. But then, a minute later, he popped back to life. It ain’t natural what he’s doing to himself...to us. I got church groups banging down my freaking door at all hours now. And when I ask the Children’s Hospital for help, they tell me to make sure Jack ain’t left unattended in the pool, or to invest in a fence. I swear, ever since he started playing near that blue phone box they installed on the corner, things have been pretty goddamn weird.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.