Jitters Over Debt Default May Have Provoked China’s Desperate Plan B

BEIJING, China. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As any landlord showing signs of frustration with deadbeat tenants, the People’s Bank of China in Beijing placed a series of “US For Rent” ads across international Craigslist sites. The listings first came to U.S. attention when 2012 White House hopeful Rick Santorum stumbled upon them. Santorum, who regularly spends hours a day policing Internet sites around the world for smut, said, “It’s all part of my anti-pornography work, hunting down and reporting deviant sex sites on the Web. Craigslist is usually a bonanza.”

It was during one of these late night missions on Thursday that Santorum came across an ad from Beijing, posted by the People’s Bank of China which was attempting to let a “Roomy Historic Fixer-Upper in FANTASTIC Neighborhood!”

Officials in Beijing admitted to placing the ads during a call Friday with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

“There were a lot of considerations that factored into our decision,” a representative from China’s Finance Ministry said. “First, we’ve already lost trillions of dollars on this investment, so we’re not going to spend a lot of money for a subscription-based real estate listing. Craigslist is free. Second, even though the United States remains an attractive property, because of its recent decline we’re afraid of ending up in a situation with squatters. You see, once tenants move in and stop paying rent for an extended period of time, they can legally squat. It becomes virtually impossible to evict them. We don’t need that headache right now. If America defaults on its debt and ruins its credit, we just want somebody else to move in, or at least handle the mess. And if we can’t find new renters, we will contract with a property management company in the interim.”

The People’s Bank acknowledged that prospective renters have been slow to emerge, but real estate professionals say the problem is the ad itself.

“It’s full of red flags and ‘watch out’ buzz words,” explained Klaus Heimdieb, a San Narciso-based realtor. “Clearly, the Chinese have no experience with this sort of thing. I mean, they’ve used all the cliches for ‘bad investment,’ and professionals can smell them a mile away. I think they’d make a killing just by placing a new ad.”

The original Craigslist posting follows.

Roomy Historic Fixer-Upper in FANTASTIC Neighborhood!

$3.8 Trillion USD per month (36 month lease)

Amazing property with affluent neighbors to the north and Latin cultural flair to the south. Beachfront vistas and coastal access to the east and west. Amenities include amusement parks, mountains, water sports, skiing, large transportation system (in need of some repair), climate control, gardens and laundry facilities. Only a few blocks from schools and hospitals. Great place for kids!

Charming central living quarters with spacious desert and plains areas for additions. Located in historic part of town and in need of some renovations, this property has everything for the family seeking a unique fixer-upper as first home. Basement recently remodeled after slight flood damage. Parking spaces limited and permit only.

• Cats OK (purr)
• Dogs OK (woof)
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Reply to PeoplesBankChina@hotmail.com

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.