SAN NARCISO, Calif.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Six Republican hopefuls for the 2012 presidency took to Twitter on Thursday to summarize how they will tackle employment rates, government debt, foreign policy and a slew of other issues in 140 characters or less. The event was sponsored by conservative Tea Party groups. Twitter’s text limitations forced the otherwise verbose candidates to say nothing in even fewer words. “With Twitter, candidates really can cut through all the fluff and get right to the heart of their messages,” said Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD). “A person doesn’t need to talk for minutes on end just to say, ‘Poor people are lazy and evil,’ or, ‘Brown people frighten me.’”

The beauty of Twitter, according to the six contenders, was that it allowed them to tell prospective voters their feelings on issues and deliver their campaign pledges without having to confuse the messaging with facts, complex policies and burdens of proof. Sample tweets told voters, “Government doesn’t create jobs, pizza restaurants do;” “I will repeal Obamacare :(~ trust me;” “I’ll end abortion and engineer unicorns that piss rainbows full of clean oil;” and “Now that you’re unemployed, selling oranges on the highway and mowing lawns, immigrants really r stealing ur jobs.”

The only hiccup with the experiment, according to Heuchler, was that the GOP’s most loyal and conservative voters, who boast an average age of 84, either had no idea what Twitter was or had already been put down for their naps.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.