ROCKAWAY TOWNSHIP, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After receiving complaints about a 29-year-old female Dunkin’ Donuts employee providing “lackluster” sexual services for “outrageous fees” to patrons in the parking lot, New Jersey police launched an investigation into illegal practices. Detectives told reporters that during a stakeout they noticed worker Melissa Redmond getting into the cars of customers and spending up to 15 minutes in their vehicles. “There are several problems here,” investigators said. “Customers are complaining about the quality of the product and the high price, which for only 15 minutes in a cramped back seat seems justified. Also, Dunkin’ Donuts failed to obtain the necessary permits or pay for the additional health inspections required.” As a result, Dunkin’ Donuts has been forced to remove all sexual services from its menus.

“Customers immediately began taking their business elsewhere,” complained Giles Lillygilder, a corporate spokesperson. “Believe me, after this fiasco we’re going to be taking it in the rear harder than Netflix. I’m not sure the enterprise will be able to survive on stale pastries and re-purposed Sanka alone.”

Several other workers were subsequently detained for questioning after soliciting sex from undercover officers who asked for menu items using the special prostitution terms, which are advertised only on Dunkin’ Donuts websites.

“I ordered a Hot Cherry Bendover with extra glaze,” said one officer, whose name has been withheld by order of New Jersey State Police officials. “At that point, the worker escorted me to a rusty Pinto behind the store. For 150 bucks, I was appalled. The dish wasn’t hot, the cherries weren’t fresh and I received absolutely no glaze. Wasn’t even an option. It’s a complete rip off. Dunkin’ Donuts is making a huge profit off a sloppy offering, and they’ve avoided paying their state dues.”

Representatives from New Jersey’s Department of Consumer Affairs also criticized Dunkin’ Donuts for “attempting to avoid paying additional licensing fees by hiding these costly off-menu items in the Nutritional Facts section of their websites, where all but discerning consumers are not likely to visit.”

Lillygilder indignantly asserted that Dunkin’ Donuts stands behind its products, and assured customers that the off-menu items would return as soon as the company’s attorneys could meet with state officials to iron out the alleged discrepancies in the permits and licenses.

Until the red tape is cleared up, Dunkin’ Donuts has yanked the following special items from all branches across the country: Big N’ Throbbies, Bunch O’ Munchkins, Hot Cherry Bendovers, Bismark Tossed Salad, Jelly Donuts, Appalachia Style Tacos, Dutch Buns, Fun Muffins, Glazed Maiden Peaches, Double Chocolate Mud Flaps, Handy Dandies, Black Gold with Extra Cream and Sugar, Tupelo Milkshakes, Philly Stuffed Hash Browns, Nantucket Whalers, Manasquan Meat Pasties and Old Fashioned Newark Buttermilk Curdles.

In a developing and possibly related story, local Starbucks coffee houses have removed some merchandise from store shelves, including the Happy Honey Vibrating French Press, the Seattle Bean Grinder and Moby Dick Nut Cuffs.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.