SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In 2007, Phillip Seaton, a 64-year-old truck driver from Waddy, Kentucky, admitted himself to Jewish Hospital Shelbyville for a circumcision, which was performed to an astonishingly liberal degree by urologist Dr. John Patterson. Seaton had expected the procedure to help treat chronic inflammation. Ultimately, it did. When he awoke from the surgery, Seaton discovered that Patterson had amputated his penis. The doctor maintained that he found cancer in Seaton’s member during the surgery, and that it had to be removed as a life-saving measure. The victim, who sued for $16 million in damages, alleged that he never authorized the amputation or received a second opinion. Despite conflicting testimonies from medical professionals and flimsy evidence to support either side, a jury unanimously ruled in favor of the doctor on Thursday. Even more surprisingly, 2012 GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry declared the judgment a “clear victory for the conservative right and proof that masturbation leads to blindness and disease and the wrath of an angry Lord. There’s your second opinion, Mr. Seaton. This is when science gets it right, and you should be grateful!”
Chopping Down the Mightiest Tree in the Forest with a Herring
A key consideration in the case was addressing the allegations that Patterson removed the penis without consulting the patient or his wife, Deborah Seaton. Even experts from Kentucky conceded that chopping off Seaton’s penis was a decision that potentially impacted both husband and wife, neither of whom, the suit alleged, were consulted.
San Naricso-based Southern law expert Col. Goodman Joseph “Job” Jedediah Lawton-Cluff, Jr., Esq. said, “Now if this had been a procedure to treat hysteria -- which is a nervous disorder brought about by the vapors and a twitchy uterus -- and the condition had been deemed incurable, the doctor would have been accorded irrefutable permission to have the woman’s labia sewn shut, without rousing her from the ether to agree. But a penis, sir? That’s an entirely other matter. But -- and there’s always a butt pushing up against these things, isn’t there? -- it don’t matter if Doc Patterson went hacking at that stump like a crazed mohel at a bris [sic] full of drunken carnies. ‘Cause if the kindly folk in that jury believed Mr. Seaton’s hickory dingle had the devil in it, well then they’re going to exonerate the sawbones.”
Doctors testifying as medical experts on both sides disagreed on whether an immediate amputation was necessary, or whether Patterson had attempted to wake Seaton to obtain permission to amputate. Patterson’s attorneys, in fact, seemed to discount the notion that receiving consent from Seaton was necessary at all, claiming that the doctor, by virtue of his post, had the right to perform any medical procedure deemed necessary, which included saving Seaton’s mortal soul by treating the cancer found in his organ.
Governor Rick Perry Claims Moral Victory for Right
At a prayer rally Thursday where Rick Perry urged supporters to implore God to smite the SEC for its blasphemous financial disclosure rules, the Texas governor also praised the jury in Kentucky for its verdict, urging his base to follow a similarly righteous path in all decisions: “There’s a lot of junk science out there -- physics, molecular biology, genetics, calculus -- and they’re theories that got some gaps in them. But here in the South, we teach medical ‘science’ alongside the Judeo-Christian medical covenants of God. The people in Kentucky are smart -- they figured out which was right.”
Perry explained to the crowd how the jury understood that Mr. Seaton’s cancer was the pox placed upon him by God as punishment for a life of chronic masturbation.
“Dr. Patterson immediately identified the cancer and took action, as any Good Samaritan would’ve,” Perry said. “To paraphrase Matthew: ‘If thine winkie offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one stubby little nubbin, rather than having one adult-sized schlong to be cast into hell fire.’ Dr. Patterson not only saved Mr. Seaton’s life, he saved his soul!”
Court transcripts would seem to support Perry’s unique reading of the case. Jurors did believe, as the hospital’s defense attorneys explained, that Seaton’s cancer was the byproduct of masturbation. One juror’s notes read, “Mr. Seaton expressly complained that he had chronic problems with inflammations. As I understand that, he couldn’t keep his horse in the barn. We weren’t allowed to have a toxicology test run on him, but we all believed that he was popping Viagra and ended up with those four-hour boners. The plague visited on him is between him and his maker, but Dr. Patterson is an angel of the Lord for what he did. Mr. Seaton ain’t never gonna have to worry about being inflamed again.”
San Francisco Circumcision Ban Tossed Off Ballot
Gerard Depardieu and Phillip Seaton weren’t the only penises to make recent headlines. San Francisco Superior Court Judge Loretta Giorgi ruled Thursday that the measure to criminalize circumcision must be rubbed from the November ballot because it would violate a California law that makes regulating medical procedures a matter for the state, not the city.
The ban would have outlawed any procedure to “circumcise, excise, cut or mutilate the whole or any part of the foreskin, testicles or penis of another person who has not attained the age of 18 years.” Any person caught performing circumcisions would also have faced a misdemeanor charge under the ban, with fines of up to $1,000 or a maximum prison sentence of one year.
“Even in a place as immoral and spiritually desolate as San Francisco,” Perry snarled, “we’re witnessing the promises of the new American right being realized. Of course San Francisco wanted to outlaw one of the holiest religious ceremonies. Because they abandoned decency and Christ generations ago with the revelation of the Castro District. But you know, the tea bagging Gavin Newsoms and Harvey Milks of the world aren’t going to win out over Tea Parties and Twinkies! Masturbators and sinners, take notice. You can cry about the Constitution all day long, but there’s a book of laws much older and much wiser; and we’re bringing it back in 2012.”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.