“What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?” -- Rush Limbaugh

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since Barack Obama presented his poor forgery of a long-form birth certificate, gullible elements of the public have been reluctant to listen to continued accusations that the president is a Muslim from Kenya. This was a particularly unwelcome setback to conservative mouthpiece and long-time champion of American values, Rush Limbaugh, who had made disseminating the information of Obama’s heritage the cornerstone of his crusade to preserve the integrity of the nation’s highest office. Fortunately, an email about the absence of Obama’s past romances surfaced on Wednesday, helping Limbaugh prove that the president is in fact the most un-American political figure in Washington. “No girlfriends?” Limbaugh asked. “No serious relationships prior to the woman he eventually married? What the hell kind of sick, indecent, culturally retarded infidel have we put into power?”

During his nationally syndicated radio program, Rush Limbaugh said,“You probably have seen this [email] going around. This one is, ‘Where are all of Obama’s former girlfriends?’ It’s a takeoff on where are all of the students Obama taught who claim to have been inspired by him when he taught law at the University of Chicago. But those people haven’t surfaced. There aren’t any ex-girlfriends. It’s very strange that we know so little about a guy who’s written two autobiographies. Who is Barack Obama? What’s his educational background? What was his relationship like with his parents? What does he do during the day? Where does he work? Does he have any children, any pets? Does he enjoy sports? What are his political views? I don’t know, do you? It really is strange.”

According to some researchers, Obama’s ex-girlfriends haven’t surfaced because they may not exist.

“Strange as it may seem, Barack Obama could have concentrated on his studies and ignored his social life, up to not dating -- barring of course some inconsequential flirtations during his school years, which many of us forget anyway,” theorized Janus Heuchler, director of San Narciso’s Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD).

According to Heuchler’s provocative study, Michelle may have been the first romance and first true dating experience in Barack Obama’s busy life: “I believe President Obama married the only girl he really courted.”

Rush Limbaugh found the assessment revolting and laughable, telling his radio audience, “Where are the ex-girl friends, the romantic partners, the mistresses, the failed carnal experiments, the regrettable explorations of sexual frontiers, the friends with benefits? They don’t exist. Barack Obama met a girl in 1989, took her to see a Spike Lee movie -- which that guy calls ‘joints,’ go figure -- settled down and married her. That’s it. One woman. Michelle. Then they had two kids. That’s about the most socialist, anti-American thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to hear. You expect that sort of behavior in tribal cultures, in Africa and India and probably Haiti. But not here. [Obama] has no experience with women, so how can he relate to women in America? Maybe if they spoke Swahili or that language with all the clicking.”

Other conservatives interpreted the email as implying that Barack Obama could be gay, but Limbaugh roundly rejected the theory.

“Look at the Grand Old Party, my friends. The Bob Allens, the Larry Craigs, the Mark Foleys, the Ted Haggards, the Glenn Murphy Juniors and perhaps even me. All of these outed gay Republicans had a string of tawdry and indiscriminate partners. Most of them had wives and girlfriends and a trail of tears. These men were Americans. Fallen, sinful Americans who later found redemption in the musky embrace of Jesus Christ. Americans. Barack Obama, on the other hand, is quite evidently something else.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.