For Greene, the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” became a clarion call to Americans that the terrorists had finally won. He praised Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern for telling a radio audience that homosexuality posed more dangers to the country than terrorism. And he pledged that his campaign would ignore specious, vote-grabbing issues such as the economy, unemployment, foreign wars, poverty and health care; things he chided as “push-button politics.” Instead, Greene vowed to champion the imperiled rights of heterosexuals, a platform he calls “heterequality,” going so far as to defend his competitor, White House hopeful Rick Santorum, against slurs.
Heterequality
F. Chester Greene, often referred to as a conservative’s conservative’s conservative, has been making powerful dents in California’s Democratic strongholds, even though he’s refused to attend every debate. His proposed credit card based health care reform was recently touted as genius by Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina and Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein.
Greene, however, dismissed this praise.
“Fixing the economy is easy,” he asserted. “People claim they can’t afford their medical bills. So charge them to a credit card and pay them off. There’s nothing revolutionary about that. But how are we going to combat the threat of creating a new American minority -- decent heterosexual couples?”
Although he’s running against Rick Santorum, F. Chester Greene respects the former U.S. senator as a like-minded advocate of straights rights.
“And what did Rick get for that?” Greene asked his town hall audience. “Slandered. Some gay columnist in bed with Google found a way to define ‘santorum’ as ‘the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.’ Then he made it the number one search result for Rick’s name. Not only is it offensive and vile, it’s just wrong.”
To prove his point, Greene shocked the crowd by showing a gay adult film on the wide-screen television behind his lectern. Throughout the uncomfortable presentation, which lasted nearly 20 minutes, Greene repeatedly pointed out scenes in the movie, saying, “See that? No lube, no fecal matter. See that? It’s called a circle jerk. No anal sex. Okay, and in this one, it’s really not all that frothy.”
Greene urged his supporters to help Rick Santorum in his plea to have Google “fix” the problem with his online profile.
“I know he’s running against me, but if we’re going to unite this country and right the wrongs that have been visited on us since Reagan left office, we need to show the nation that there are no exceptions -- every compromised heterosexual deserves our protection. I want you to help spread Santorum over the faces of every deviant pervert out there who’s trying to sully his good name. If I’m going to win this election, I’m going to do it with principles and honor.”
Greene then proposed a revision to the current sex education program in public schools, mandating that gay porn be shown alongside the standard curriculum of basic physiology and reproductive processes.
“I know it sounds awful,” Greene explained, “but that’s precisely the point. The best way to understand one’s enemy is to study him. We need to get inside him and cram our points down his throat. And we need to show the public the ungodly behavior these people engage in. Look, in a side-by-side comparison, the problems with gay sexual congress become obvious. First, we explain to the kids the normal reproductive act, as we always have. But taking the same chart and showing how it works for homosexuals will immediately cause the kids to question everything about it. There’s no way to reproduce in that model. It invalidates everything about sex. And once they understand just how horrifying and impossible homosexuality is, these future leaders will rise up and take action. Remember, sodomy and lesbianism were acceptable in ancient Rome. They may still be. But the Romans killed Jesus. Then their empire collapsed. Now we have the Middle East. I’m told there’s an old saying there: ‘boys are for practice, men are for intimacy and women are for babies.’ Well, al Qaeda terrorists aren’t going to be practicing on our boys, not on my watch! Those boys belong to us.”
Greene then warned that the repeal of DADT may unintentionally cause an outpouring of sympathy for the enemy in the war effort, followed by orgies among gay U.S. service members and Islamic terrorists -- all of whom, Greene alleged, were homosexual.
Greene Too Extreme for the Tea Party?
Progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels said he’s not sure Greene will get the support he’s looking for, even in very conservative quarters.
“I’m certain a lot of people buy into this rhetoric,” Michaels said, “but who wants to come right out and say it? Apparently, F. Chester Greene has a history of getting himself tangled in some pretty extreme positions with homosexuals. There are even rumors circulating that he checked himself into a Christian-sponsored gay rehabilitation camp. He’s a hard one to read, somewhat of a mystery. His family lineage is confusing. His last name has changed several times. He was at one time a practicing Jew, a Catholic and then a member of every other Christian denomination, including Jehovah’s Witness. And he’s one of those overly ideological politicians who swing so far to one pole that they seem to cross over into the other. What does one make of the mandatory gay porn in schools, for example? I’m reminded of the scene in Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ when the queen tells her son, ‘The Lady doth protest too much.’ To listen to Greene go on and on about gays just makes me think, ‘There’s that lady outside protesting again.’”
The rumor Michaels referenced has been at least partially confirmed by Greene, who admitted to attending the camp.
“There was an incident with a visiting businessman from France who kissed me on both cheeks when he greeted me,” Greene said. “I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t find it unpleasant. Just to be safe, I thought I’d enlist in the camp. I wasn’t gay, they said, but I got to see so many others there who were. Tortured souls. That’s why I’m so adamant about stopping people from choosing homosexuality. Kind of like a smoker who has quit cigarettes. You know, he becomes the biggest anti-smoking zealot. Well, that’s me. I’ve smoked that butt too, so I can tell you how wrong it is.”
As far as the porn, Greene cited a precedent directly from Christian evangelicals: “Four years ago, the American Association for Evangelical Christians, or AAEC, posted ‘approved’ porn on its websites. If the congregation was going to look at pornography no matter what, the church felt better knowing that it was coming from a safe place. I know Jesus told us not to look at pornography somewhere in the Bible, but let's face it, we all know he was into postitutes. The only way to save their souls from eternal damnation was to understand their sin. So, again, I say mandatory gay porn in our schools.”
Rick Santorum issued no comment about Greene’s support or mandatory gay porn program, but his campaign politely declined any offers of assistance from Greene’s offices.
Greene himself said, “It’s Rick’s loss. The Tea Party is going to win in 2012, not these milquetoast Republicans. If he doesn’t want the power behind ‘The New Greene House Effect,’ then so be it. But I still feel that Santorum was done dirty by Dan Savage. As I’ve said before, it’s all just so much tainted tea that needs to be thrown off the ship. As a proud tea bagger, I hate tea and everything it stands for. But if I am forced to swallow it, I’ll take mine American: straight and macho, with lots of cream, a little sugar and a human hair. Maybe a cake made of beef on the side.”
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.
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