“And it’s for those very reasons that we must reevaluate whom we hold up as American icons and heroes,” declared 2012 White House hopeful F. Chester Greene. “The Johnny Appleseed tale may have been charming lore a hundred years ago, but we live in a different world now. And I can’t think of anyone more un-American than Johnny Appleseed. He contradicts the honor of patriots and the values of principled conservatives everywhere. Why we continue to teach this filth to our children defines our nation’s current ruin.”
History Written by Liberals, Not Winners
According to Greene, Appleseed fits into an “all too common” brand of revisionist history that has tainted the perspective of Americans for countless generations.
“It’s the Abraham Lincoln hogwash all over again,” Greene sighed, referencing the omission from historical texts of Lincoln’s pro-slavery stances prior to the Emancipation Proclamation.
Greene explained, “Our 16th president remains one of my greatest heroes. But when I refer to Abraham Lincoln, I’m regarding Lincoln the man -- not the ridiculous caricature those ignorant liberals seem so enamored of. Here are some facts most people don’t know. In 1847, Lincoln argued in court for the return of Robert Matson’s runaway slaves, his rightful property. As a legislator in Illinois, circa 1848, Lincoln urged his fellow Whigs to support Zachary Taylor, a notorious slave owner. Lincoln also staunchly supported a law that forbade the marriage of whites and blacks. Not unrelated, a letter from Mary Todd described her husband cleaning his bottom with reproductions of Thomas Jefferson’s ‘Notes on the State of Virginia.’ And even toward the end of the War of Northern Aggression, when asked if slaves should be freed and given equality, the ‘Great Emancipator’ said, ‘My own feelings will not admit of this.’ He wanted to send them back to Africa. I mean, I could go on forever about this amazing patriot -- a man so grossly misrepresented by the abridged history books in our schools that Barack Obama worships him. Well, Johnny Appleseed’s just another side of that bad penny; except in his case, we’ve managed to idolize a treasonous communist with Islamic leanings.”
Greene Discusses the Facts of Johnny Appleseed
Reading aloud from a book of biographical facts about the historical John Chapman, F. Chester Greene defended his attacks on the Johnny Appleseed legend by illustrating the man’s dangerous traits and anti-American sensibilities.
1.) John Chapman Never Married
“When people asked why he never married, Johnny Appleseed told them he believed two female spirits would be his wives in the hereafter, as long as he remained single on Earth. That sounds a lot like the promise of 72 virgins in Heaven for Muslim suicide bombers, doesn’t it? At its most innocent, it stinks of the cult of Mormonism. Appleseed was clearly some kind of false Christian. One of the tenets of that New Church outfit he belonged to was ‘salvation is available to people from all religions, regardless if they embrace the cross of Jesus Christ to reconcile them with God or not, as long as they are prepared to live a good life.’ What kind of blasphemous satanism is that? You get to Heaven only by accepting Christ, not blowing up airplanes or hugging trees or being gay.”
2.) John Chapman Neglected His Personal Wealth
“I still can’t get my head around this. Appleseed was a land owner and a shrewd farmer, not some degenerate hippie trying to drag others into poverty to level his playing field. No, he chose to be a dirty hobo, and that’s worse. He turned his back on his own wealth. America was founded on the principles of free market capitalism, not the proto-Nazi socialism of England. But this guy, who held vast properties in Indiana, Pennsylvania and Ohio, went wandering around America shoeless, with a stupid pot on his head, building nurseries. It’s a dangerous precedent, the concept of the wealthy shunning their fortunes. That’s why today we see Bill Gates trying to save Africa and Warren Buffet begging to be taxed: the downfall of our economy, friends. This is how America ends. With a whimper. And fruits.”
3.) John Chapman Led to PETA
“According to the writings of Henry Howe, who documented Chapman’s exploits while that demon still walked the planet spreading his villainy and venom, Johnny Appleseed watched a mosquito burn in his campfire, then quickly doused the flames and cried, ‘God forbid that I should build a fire for my comfort, that should be the means of destroying any of His creatures.’ That’s right. Like some commie Buddhist, Appleseed couldn’t even kill bug. Maybe AIDS and malaria are his fault too; it wouldn’t surprise me. Point is, he was a vegan. Possibly the first in the country. So what else came about because of Johnny Appleseed? Freaking PETA, the most nefarious internal terrorist organization in the US of A.”
4.) Apples are Poisonous and Sinful
“I suppose the most glaring but unacknowledged truth about Appleseed’s legacy is that apples are bad. Spiritually, they represent the absolute decimation of human perfection. Eve ate the apple in Eden. Boom! Damnation. Doctor Oz keeps warning us not to eat apples because they contain arsenic. But we haven’t stopped buying apple juice for our precious kids. And many of the trees Appleseed planted grew inedible fruit -- did you know that? -- apples that could only be used for distilling fermented cider. That means Appleseed brought the gift of alcoholism into the homes of once decent and sober settlers. An apple a day may keep the doctor away -- because what use is a sawbones when you’re dead from arsenic poisoning or liver failure? -- but you know what else an apple keeps away? God.”
(c) 2011. See disclaimers.
