SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As President Obama prepares to deliver a major jobs speech on Thursday, conservative Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry warned his supporters against falling prey to a politically motivated address full of “red herrings and fear-based rhetoric” that will be used to pass a dangerous socialist agenda. Perry said he believes the White House will leverage the country’s concern over unemployment to promote public sector jobs and the subsequent expansion of the federal government. “If you’re already struggling to make ends meet -- if you’re fighting to keep the IRS from your doorstep -- this is just going to make things worse. I should know. When I first started as a civil servant, I made $45,000 a year. But by 2007, I was making six figures and using my position to amass over a million dollars in government land deals. You know who paid for that? You. For the good the country, we can’t allow this to continue.”

Perry’s Firsthand Tribulations with Corrupt Big Government
State records verified Perry’s claims of corrupt big government hurting tax payers while benefiting public officials.

When Perry first started out as a state representative in the 1980s, his pay was $45,000 a year. Over the next couple of decades, Perry’s publicly funded salary soared to $150,000. And during his tenure as the Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, Perry raked in over $1 million in government real estate transactions.

In one example from 1993, Perry purchased 10 acres of undeveloped land. As Commissioner of Agriculture, he knew that a local computer magnate, Michael Dell, would need that tract in order to connect his new estate to the municipal sewer lines. So Perry sold the land to Dell at triple its value, pocketing the difference.

Over the next few years, Perry continued this practice of using political connections and insider knowledge to secure government parcels and then sell them to private buyers at staggering margins, without reinvesting the profits back into the state’s coffers.

“Two deals alone netted me over $800,000 each,” Perry lamented, “but none of my hardworking, middle class Texans saw a dime of that. And because of my government position, I knew that worthless land would turn into a mint as the housing bubble peaked. But my friends and neighbors didn’t have access to that kind of data. So while they found themselves underwater on their mortgages or foreclosed on by banks, I was getting richer. And, I always had my six figure salary to keep me secure, paid for by these same suffering friends and neighbors. Tragic doesn’t even begin to describe the damage this may have caused. But this is precisely what President Obama is going to ask voters to support: more greedy government deals instead of lowering taxes on businesses so they can afford to create jobs and put capital back into the economy.”

Fear Laden Jobs Speech a Distraction from Real Issues
“If you listen closely to what Mr. Obama is likely to say,” Governor Perry told his base in Texas, “you’re going to discover that the entire presentation is just a tactic to divert you from the real issues facing this nation: making gay marriage unconstitutional and stopping the spread of big government.”

In fact, Perry signed a pledge last week vowing to support a Constitutional amendment to define marriage as a union of one man and one woman.

“Gay marriage is going to be even a bigger issue in 2012 than it was in 2008,” Perry explained. “As President Obama does his best to move toward the right and appease conservatives by eliminating regulations on environmental protections or extending the Bush tax cuts, it’s all posturing. He’s not trying to replace voodoo scientific theories in schools with more academically enlightened courses like Intelligent Design. When push comes to shove, which side of the gay rights debate a candidate stands on will illuminate the moral virtues of the man God wants running this country. And my guess is that Mr. Obama’s going to look a lot darker than me when that light shines down.”

But Perry also clarified that allowing gays to marry, or even to exist openly in polite society, would be a significant contributor to the ongoing lack of job growth.

“If Mr. Obama has his way, we’ll be legally required to cater to the needs of this attention-starved counter culture. Business owners are already having enough trouble trying to afford Obamacare, and now the president wants to add new ‘families’ to that cost. It’s no wonder corporations aren’t hiring. One out of every ten employees has a statistical chance of choosing homosexuality. If the government forces companies to sponsor spousal benefits to people who are proud to openly deny American civil liberties, nature, religious beliefs and -- based on footage of Pride parades I’ve seen -- professional dress codes, how can those organizations bear these additional costs of remaining in business? A socialist America where people on the fringe can freely choose to live unnatural lifestyles, subvert established institutions, defy the teachings of Jesus, destroy capitalism and expect the government to violate our civil rights by offering them equal protection is not free at all.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.