SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Representatives of Family Stations issued a public apology Friday evening to the families of eight college students after admitting that an embarrassed and disgruntled Harold Camping attacked them with his cane in Golden Gate Park. Although the precise details of the assault remain sketchy, authorities claim that Camping had requested to be taken to the area to assess the Lord’s loving and merciful slaughter of sinners, as well as His progress in sucking the souls of the pious back to Heaven.

“What Mr. Camping found,” one officer on scene described, “was a group of over 20 college students face down on the lawn. He must have believed that his rapture had begun. When he realized that he’d happened upon an elaborate display of planking, he just went nuts. At this time, we are placing Mr. Camping on a 72-hour mental health hold. None of the students were seriously injured, and no one’s pressing any charges at this time.”

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