Photo courtesy Irrational Games

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Federal Housing Finance Agency introduced new rules Monday to provide underwater homeowners the opportunity to refinance their mortgages at lower rates through the federal Home Affordable Refinance Program (HARP). The agency estimates that nearly a million homeowners could take advantage of the program by the end of 2013. To date, HARP has helped only a fraction of the people it was designed to assist, partly because the homeowners seeking to refinance have been denied by the banks. The banks themselves are under no obligation to refinance mortgages worth less than the value of the properties. By easing eligibility rules, the Obama administration hopes to remedy the situation. But GOP candidate Herman Cain attacked the program immediately, saying, “Have we all gone nuts? Houses underwater? When we first started talking about a housing bubble, I didn’t think we literally meant a big ole air bubble in the briny deep. We’re trying to lower taxes and enforce accountability for irresponsible financial decisions. What message are we sending when we bail out the near-sighted owners of submarine properties? It’s okay to fail up? Well, it ain’t. It’s not our fault they didn’t build houses on land.”

Cain admitted that until news of the administration’s decision, he had been unaware that so many Americans had purchased homes beneath the waves.

“Of course the value of these places is worth diddly squat compared to the mortgages. They’re at the bottom of the damn ocean. You know how much it would cost to build something like that? To meet the basic liability requirements?” Cain asked. “I don’t. But it surely takes a boatload of hubris to make that kind of decision. It’s like Katrina in reverse. Let’s construct neighborhoods in the middle of a flood and see what happens. Where I come from, sleeping with the fishes ain’t a good thing. This underwater experiment is outright stupid. And I’m not in the business of promoting stupid.”

However, Cain also conceded that it’s not the policy of the United States to leave its people marooned. He therefore proposed a revised assistance program, intended to address the shortcomings of HARP.

Cain said, “You know, this socialist administration has done nothing but attack those of us trying to bring the free market back to America. ‘Cause I’m tired of living in 1940s Germany, aren’t you? I came up with a real solution -- 999 -- and those jackbooted thugs started screaming, ‘Nein, nein, nein!’ But what’ve they got? HARP? HARP ain’t working. It’s about as useful as a piano with no keys. And it ain’t gonna save people from these sinking ships. First of all, HARP contains too many restrictions that make most of the people affected ineligible for assistance. Second, there ain’t no way to sell submerged homes. What moron’s gonna invest in property under the sea? Trump, maybe, but there’s no good way to get down there, no schools, no shops, and I doubt you could even get homeowner’s insurance. What happens when your place springs a leak? You and your babies drown, that’s what.”

Cain explained that his plan is aimed at helping people who are willing to confess to making “a bone-headed buying decision” and then put in the effort to make amends.

“It’s called the Colonize Abovewater Residential Property plan (CARP),” Cain said. “We contract with professional salvage crews and divers to help these homeowners bring whatever valuables they can to the surface. Then we scuttle their little undersea condos to create eco-friendly marine habitats. Once on solid ground, CARP provides the displaced residents with access to realtors, apartment ads in newspapers and library computers so they can surf the Internet for places to rent. There’s no burden to the system in my plan. No big government, no raised taxes, nothing fishy. And while they readjust to terrestrial living, we’ve got a special food stamp program that allows them to get some affordable, nourishing meals. We call that part 333. If you order any Jumbo Pizza with a side salad from Godfather’s Pizza between now and December 31, you can take $3.33 off the purchase price with the online coupon. It’s an amazing deal, especially for people who are probably sick to death of eating fish and seaweed. But hey, if you want anchovies on your pie, that’s all good too.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.