SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The San Narciso Police Department is expected to be busy this Halloween enforcing citywide modesty bans on attire. Cross-dressing, wearing blackface, sexual innuendo, and anthropomorphization are a few of the behaviors that could result in fines or even prison time. “This is just another PC overreaction meant to punish the local business man,” complained Harold Paratestiez, owner of Harry’s Haunted Halloween Haberdashery and A.B.M.A.and L. “First, I was required to sell martial aids by prescription only. Then, I was told I could only advertise my store by acronym, not its actual name. Now this? I got into the All Hallows trade as a transition to a more family oriented business. This was going to be the first year we sold the Irwin Mainway line of children’s costumes.”

Some factions within the community have accused police of exploiting the “WE’RE A CULTURE, NOT A COSTUME” movement as an excuse for sending heavily armed riot units into the streets to persecute people wearing costumes with which they disagree.

“They got overexcited when the Occupy San Narciso movement started up,” explained Lyle Zapf, the founder and sole member of the San Narciso Political Progressives Association. “Over a hundred up-armored police officers took to the streets with automatic weapons to quash a protest of four people, one of whom turned out to be an old lady trying to get into the bank to roll her pennies. All of those people are now in the hospital recovering from pepper sprayings, broken ribs and fractured skulls. So what you’ve got left is a bunch of thugs with too much testosterone and a God complex looking for ‘violators’ to punish for crimes against their legislated morality.”

“WE’RE A CULTURE, NOT A COSTUME” is a poster campaign started by an Ohio University group called Students Teaching Against Racism in Society. The campaign combines this slogan with the image of a humorless person holding up a photo of someone enjoying a Halloween costume, accompanied by the admonition “IT’S NOT OKAY.” The group’s contention is that a poor understanding of irony is as much of a problem as racism.

SNPD spokesman Ren Williams denied that the crackdown was related to the group: “It’s as plain as black and white. These laws are meant for public safety. They date back to the Prohibition Era when pikey bootleggers would resort to a variety of disguises to sell their Stygian wares in the more atramental areas of Inverness. If you know what I mean.”

The laws were kept on the books and routinely enforced as a matter of public safety.

Williams elaborated, “It’s as much for the safety of the dressee as the dresser. Imagine if you bought a beautiful women a drink and she turned out to be a man. You’d want to beat him up. Likewise, someone dressed up in a sexually provocative costume -- say a naughty Hogwarts student or a cat woman or a loose nun or even a young Julia Child -- is just asking for trouble also. This holiday is about candy, not rape.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.