“It’s not about the terrible things these other people did, it’s about what Joe Paterno didn’t do.” -- PSU Board of Trustees

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Beleaguered Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno, had anticipated ending his career at the end of the 2011 season. But the university’s Board of Trustees made the decision for him when they fired the legendary coach late Wednesday night amid growing public furor over the school’s handling of a child sex abuse case. Although PSU administrators allowed Jerry Sandusky, Paterno’s assistant coach, to fellate and sodomize young boys on campus between 1994 and 2009, and while they turned a blind eye to Athletics Department officials who hindered investigations into the case, the Board decided that Paterno represented the greatest threat to PSU’s recovery and should therefore serve as the face of the child abuse scandal.

“He’s just bad luck,” Board members announced, reading from a prepared statement Thursday morning. “Voodoo. And we don’t need that kind of obstacle in our way as we try to move past this tragedy and destroy Nebraska on Saturday. Go Lions!”

Joe Paterno ‘Jinx’ Who Attracts Criminals, Board Claims
One trustee, under condition of anonymity, further clarified the Board’s position: “Sure, Jerry Sandusky carried out the actual raping and groping and diddling of these little kids. Yes, Tim Curley and Gary Schultz covered it all up and lied to the authorities. Yes, Joe Paterno probably never knew what was going on with Jerry; and yes, he reported complaints to Curley and Schultz directly in 2002. We understand all that. But the fact remains, Joe is ground zero in all this. He’s not the victim. The real victim is Penn State...followed, of course, by the people accusing one of our staffers of violating their anuses and mouths when they were small. You know, when they were kids, is what I meant.”

The Board dismissed Sandusky’s eight counts of child abuse as the byproduct of a sickness. Curley and Schultz had been trying to protect the school, the trustees reasoned. But Paterno, they said -- who had never witnessed any of the events personally, and brought the eyewitness accounts of other students and faculty straight to department heads -- “could have done more.”

The trustee told reporters: “It’s not about the terrible things these other people did, it’s about what Joe Paterno didn’t do. Plus, he’s a jinx. What’s the common denominator between all these suspects? Joe -- right smack dab in the middle. He was higher up on the totem pole than the child molester but lower in rank than the two perjurers. He’s like a magnet for bad people, and maybe he doesn’t even realize it. But we can’t afford to have his presence luring more of these unsavory types to our school.”

Now Paterno’s Responsible for Riots, Board Complains
Fans, students and alumni awoke Thursday to a gloomy post-Paterno era in Happy Valley. The news that university President Graham Spanier and Coach Paterno had been sacked set off student protesters -- several thousand strong -- who tore down lamp posts, turned over a television-news truck, and threw rocks and other objects at police.

Chants of “We want Joe! We want Joe!” echoed among the rioters.

Police at Penn State continue to gather information on any students who may have been involved in the property destruction and violence.

“See, this is what happens around Joe Paterno,” the trustee concluded. “Riots, now. And you know what will come of this? Those kids, all students and minors -- children practically -- will be rounded up and arrested. And they’ll go to jail, where older inmates will most likely corner them naked in the showers and rape them stupid. Back in their cells, even more unspeakable things will happen. They’ll be molested -- brutally, frequently, inhumanly -- and it will be Joe’s fault. Is that really any different than what happened at PSU? No, it’s not. That’s why we had to fire him.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.