WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republicans cried foul after President Obama held a press conference Wednesday at the North Portico of the White House to issue two Thanksgiving Day pardons. The ceremony drew protests from all of the 2012 GOP candidates, who decried the official order as an abuse of power. Obama tied the event to a series of executive actions he’s been taking recently to jump-start the economy, and which do not require congressional approval. “Well here’s another one: We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys,” the President said. After some initial confusion, Obama clarified that the turkeys in question were two flightless birds being spared their places on the holiday dinner table -- not Bernard Madoff, Jack Abramoff or Scooter Libby.

Rick Perry mused: “It’s interesting, ain’t it, that we got millions of Americans out of work who can’t put a decent meal on their plates, and this president’s done diddly squat to create jobs? And now, if that weren’t terrible enough, he’s taking food right off their tables by sparing these birds.”

Tea Party favorite Ron Paul partially agreed with Perry: “It’s true, there are too many unemployed Americans. And instead of looking for jobs, they’ve decided to band together to denounce the one percent who are actually working to bring money to the economy. It’s their choice, so it’s their fault if they don’t have enough to eat. But I’ll say this in defense of Mr. Perry’s assertions: the federal government has no business at all telling the people what they can and can’t eat, just as it has no call to tell farmers what they can and can’t sell. It’s fascism of the highest order. President Obama overstepped his bounds when he ordered that farmer to send those turkeys to a sanctuary in Mount Vernon instead of the local Piggly Wiggly.”

Newt Gingrich found the pardons more suspicious than irresponsible. He pointed out that over 54 percent of the pardons Obama has doled out since taking office have been for drug-related offenses.

“There’s a war on drugs in this country, people, and apparently drugs are winning,” Gingrich said. “And do you know why? Because our commander-in-chief, an admitted loadie, is on the enemy’s side. I’d like to know more about those two toms. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they have a history of illegal drug use, possibly involving Mr. Obama during his college days.”

Mitt Romney merely demanded proof that the turkeys were actually raised on a farm in Willmar, Minn., as stated.

“All we have to go on is Mr. Obama’s word,” Romney said. “Lately, as I’ve shown in my campaign commercials, Mr. Obama’s words are so easily taken out of context that they’re completely meaningless. I want to see documentation of citizenship. Are these animals from the United States? Otherwise, they need to be sent back to wherever they came from. Turkey, perhaps. Drugs come from Turkey, too. The point is, we can’t allow these anchor birds to take over our farms. If necessary, we must build fences to keep them cooped up where they belong. President Obama should not be giving immigrant turkeys a special pathway, a special guarantee that all of them get to stay here for the rest of their lives merely by virtue of having come here illegally and laying a bunch of eggs. If you ask me, that’s just what Mr. Obama did here today with his pardons.”

GOP firebrand Herman Cain, in his typically irreverent fashion, challenged the gravity of the pardon. He scoffed: “Like attacking Iran or stuffing every secretary’s envelope in the office, if you know what I mean, I’d ignore the pardon and eat those fat, ugly chickens if I thought I could get away with it...regardless of the rules. Rules are just like vegetables on a pizza or a Human Resources department -- they’re for sissies.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.