Photo courtesy of Urology

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A local attorney, Randy Cowlmouse, shocked doctors at San Narciso County General on Wednesday morning when he came in complaining of extreme pain and swelling in one of his testicles. Dr. Samuel Saahboehns, the facility’s senior medical director, initially expected to find himself facing a case of severe epididymo-orchitis. “My urologists were fairly certain that ultrasound scans would locate a tumor of some kind, hopefully benign,” Dr. Saahboehns told reporters. “None of us was prepared for the image that appeared on the screen.” Indeed, all attending members of the staff described themselves as astounded to find a human face staring back at them.

“We’re still analyzing the face, which we extracted during the biopsy, but I think it proves an age old theory about men being controlled by their genitals. I mean, there’s a little man living in this patient’s testicles.”

The Man in the Moon
Randy Cowlmouse said he would be following the medical team’s research closely.

“I admit it, I’m intrigued,” Cowlmouse explained. “I think about sex all the time. I have sex all the time. At first, I thought that’s why my balls hurt. You know, from all the sex I have. Now I’m learning that there might be a scientific explanation for my uncontrollable libido, indiscriminate affairs and constant scheming to get women into my bed. I might not really be the scumbag everybody thinks I am.”

Dr. Saahboehns and his staff have been working dutifully to invalidate improbable speculations that dilute the integrity of the research.

“Oh my, yes, we’ve heard some doozies,” Saahboehns laughed. “There was a contingent of the county’s very religious queued up outside the hospital earlier, claiming that Jesus had manifested his face in Mr. Cowlmouse’s privates as a kind of message. Some of those loons got loose in the cafeteria, too, and began searching for images of the Madonna in bowls of tapioca and on buttered toast. I understand, to some degree. There was a similar incident published last month in Urology (the International Society of Urology’s official journal), which involved a Canadian patient also afflicted by a testicular tumor with a human face. Naturally, miracle seekers see a divine pattern and so attribute it to God. But that seems absurd to me. What’s the message? Why would Jesus be communicating through some lawyer’s nuts? Two cases don’t prove the presence of God’s hand in a man’s junk.”

Other physicians believe that the anthropomorphic features of the tumor were coincidental. But Saahboehns discounted their opinions as well.

“That’s stupid,” he proclaimed. “The only viable hypothesis left, given the data available, is that a little man may be inhabiting our testicles like a parasitic, unborn twin. Or, even as part of our normal anatomy that we’ve lost unawareness of.”

Men Aren’t Thinking with Their Penises, They’re Being Directed by Their Testicles
Randy Cowlmouse is a virile, young, strapping and successful partner at a burgeoning law practice in Santa Calcetines. A self-identified playboy, Cowlmouse has no shortage of women in his life...or his bedroom, his couch, his kitchen counters or his walk-in fedora closet.

“I’ve been called every name in the book,” he said. “A lot of people see me as a womanizer and a chauvinist. But I can’t help it.”

Dr. Saahboehns agrees: “It’s often said that men think with their penises. In fact, anecdotal evidence suggests that sexual thoughts preoccupy men every seven minutes. But now, we are beginning to witness a corporeal reason for this. It’s not merely an issue of environment or demeanor. If our studies bear fruit, we may just prove that the little man who lives inside men’s testicles is the cause. He is embedded within the sexual organs, and must be transmitting neural feedback to the brain. These impulses, necessarily carnal in nature, become powerful motivators. It makes perfect sense.”

When asked about treatment options, Saahboehns said, “We’re not sure removing the little man is entirely healthy. He must serve an evolutionary purpose. So for now, we’re trying to manufacture a regulator that will help patients better control the impulses sent to them by that wily little imp curled up inside their love spuds.”

Interestingly, Mr. Cowlmouse claims that since the mass was removed from his testicle, his libidinous desires have significantly decreased while his attention span during conversations with the opposite sex has increased.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.