SAN NARCISO COUNTY PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT -- The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 17, 2011. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours. The placement of personal items along the parade route -- including your children, pets or virtually incapacitated senior citizens -- has in the past created pedestrian and motor vehicle traffic issues, in addition to numerous problems for local businesses. In an effort to prevent accidents or injuries, and in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act, personal property or family members serving as human placeholders along the parade route prior to the street closures will be confiscated at the discretion of the San Narciso Police Department and taken to the Heritage Heights Library for pick-up after the event. Please note that all costs incurred from the caring of and cleaning up after your children or elderly will be cited back to you by the City.

The public is also reminded that the law strictly prohibits the following activities on City property, and appropriate action will be taken against anyone in violation. Please observe these rules during the event.

Bennington Vale Parade Attendance Rules

• No visible consumption of alcoholic beverages: if consuming alcohol, please have the good sense to conceal the beverages in brown paper bags, coat pockets, children’s “sippy cups,” a pet’s dish or a discreet thermos.
• No open use of intravenous drugs: specialty SHARPS SECURE containers for safely disposing needles “required for medical treatment” have been installed in the public restrooms. The containers are clearly marked and must be utilized.
• No cooking, preparing or otherwise purchasing illegal substances such as methamphetamine along the parade route.This includes City Council members, Yoyodyne executives, local clergy and all members of The Tank Players theater group.
• Public displays of graphic affection, nudity, “dry humping,” any acts with animals that could be construed as sexual, and soliciting prostitutes are against the established Penal Code and will be enforced. Prostitutes, along with the county’s homeless population, will be restricted to the Hobo Gardens area for transients during the parade.
• Groping other people is also prohibited during the event, with the exception of local TSA employees who may, at their discretion, pat down attendees who appear suspicious or threatening.
• Echoing the aforementioned ordinance, the City Council reminds its gay citizens that this is a holiday parade only; not any other kind of parade. Appropriate consideration and restraint should be exercised during the event.
• The event is truly a universal Holiday Parade. The word “Christmas” is a legacy term for the parade, which San Narciso County leased for use by its copyright holder, FOX. A lot of money was paid for this usage, so we cannot in good conscience strike it from the posters or banners. The event welcomes people of all faiths, which in San Narciso County include people of Christian and Jewish persuasions, with some Pagan hold outs. However, visitors of Hindi, Muslim, Shinto, Wicca or other miscellaneous religions are also welcome to celebrate the birth of the Lord’s Only Son without prejudice. Catholics may also attend.
• Police will monitor the parade route to ensure ABSOLUTELY NO pedestrian traffic on the streets. As we learned two years ago, the drivers of parade floats have visibility severely more limited than originally believed. We don’t want a repeat of the infamous 2009 “Maxwell Street Massacre.” As such, the Farmer’s Market area will be closed entirely.
• Curb all pets, including children and the elderly. Specially designed sanitary disposal bags with zipping lock tops are provided next to each street lamp. There are two sizes, the smaller intended for domestic animals (e.g., dogs, cats, etc.).
• Public urination is strictly forbidden. Please use one of the public restrooms. If the restrooms become over-crowded by San Narciso’s surprisingly large population of teens requiring intravenous medication, please use an alley. We suggest the one adjacent to the Catholic Church.
• Yes, drum lines from every school in the District will be marching. Yes, they will probably be playing the same song. No, you probably won’t recognize it. Please refrain from sending strongly worded letters to the City Council. We’ve made our decision.
• Also relating to the marching bands: taunting, harassing, name calling, throwing objects at, or otherwise physically assaulting male drum majors or flag bearers does constitute a hate crime in San Narciso. You may be reprimanded for engaging in such behavior.

As a final note, we have, for a variety of carefully considered reasons, cancelled the mime troupe performance from this and all future parades. Please be safe and pass this message along to family members, friends, neighbors or associates.

For more information, contact the San Narciso Police Department or the Bennington Vale City Planning Bureau.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.