SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit New Year's Eve traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating the new year, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include breaking IKEA dishes on their neighbors’ porches, the practice known as “hogging” and hamster juggling. Mayor Manny DiPresso advised that while he has no idea where these traditions originated, they have no place in the suburbs.

"'Hogging' is just awful," DiPresso said. "Apparently, it involves popular boys courting and then mating with heavy-set young women in the community. I hear it ends with a gift of pearls, which seems extraordinarily lavish, but I find the ritual degrading nonetheless. It needs to stop. My daughter still refuses to go out on New Year's Eve as a result. And I have, to date, not seen her with pearls. No necklaces, no earrings. So I think this 'hogging' thing is more treacherous and disingenuous than it appears on the surface. I would also like our teens to know that toilet-papering a house -- a prank we've all pulled at one time or another -- was never meant to include used tissue."

Hamster juggling, say authorities, is the most egregious offense in the county during New Year's Eve celebrations. It violates animal cruelty laws and poses unseen dangers. When, at the end of the juggling, the hamsters are discharged into the air from pneumatic "potato guns," they can generate a velocity of 100 feet per second during their descent. The force of the impact, along with the hamster's erratic self-defensive behavior, can seriously injure or kill unsuspecting passersby.

In certain outlying areas of San Narciso County -- the ownership of which San Narciso continues to dispute with Los Angeles and other municipalities -- gunfire sometimes occurs.

"Some may consider this a tradition. I consider it reckless behavior and a violation of the law. There are many ways to celebrate New Year's Eve, but this shouldn't be one of them," SNPD spokesperson Ren Williams said.

He added: "Fortunately, these problems generally affect other Southern California communities like LA and Anaheim and San Diego, along with most of Central California. Places like Hollister, for instance, where life is cheap and relatively pointless."

A bullet can climb two miles and remain in flight for more than a minute. As it falls, the bullet can reach a velocity of 300 to 700 feet per second, making it seven times more lethal than a hamster. A velocity of only 200 feet per second is sufficient to penetrate the human skull.

"Even worse," Williams warned, "indiscriminate gunfire provokes a police response. As we learned last month -- when one of Bennington Vale's most notorious alcoholics and date rapists waved a garden hose with a pistol grip at officers in the dark -- a police involved shooting runs the risk of turning a local douche bag into a martyr. We don't want any more of that here."

San Narciso Police will be out in force on New Year's Eve, and will take aggressive enforcement action against violators. "We are committed to protecting the lives and property of our community," Williams reiterated.

Residents are encouraged to report any offense occurring in their neighborhood by calling 9-1-1.

Please feel free to forward this dispatch to any interested friends, family and associates.

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.