TRENTON, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Much has been made in the news about the current batch of 2012 Republican candidates, all squaring off against one another, gaining and losing ground, hating gays and immigrants, loving God and Reagan, and leaving America’s uninsured to die on the streets, a campaign promise that has met with thunderclaps of eerie applause. Conservatism is all the rage, and being able swing farther to the right than one’s opponents -- with a greater level of rage -- is a tactic famously endorsed by Richard Nixon himself. Yet even with his conservative credentials under close scrutiny, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has received a groundswell of support from like-minded conservatives who have urged him to enter the race. But Christie seems reluctant. Asked whether he will run, Gov. Christie offered an interesting response. Citing the example of Ronald Reagan, he stated: “I know, without ever having met President Reagan, that he must have felt deeply in his heart that he was called to that moment, to lead our country. But what I feel in my heart right now is primarily suffocating plaque and too much cholesterol. They want me to run the country? I can’t even run a lap around my sofa. So, as with Reagan, my decision depends on God.” What Christie can run, his nervous challengers say, is his “big, fat mouth. And that’s important at this stage in the game.”

Though Christie’s weight has been mentioned countless times in the media, political strategists say it will become a legitimate issue for Christie should he enter the fray. “Even worse,” one aide said, “it might bring focus back on the need for health care. That’s a Republican deal killer.”

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Current 2012 GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) apologized Thursday night for a misunderstanding that led the former senator to publicly call for a ban on pawpaw, a mango-like fruit that grows along the banks of the Potomac and across large swaths of Southern, Southeastern and Midwest states. The fruit was popular throughout the 1700s and 1800s, but has only recently been rediscovered and commercialized. And because food scientists have found an abundance of nutrients in the pawpaw and a high antioxidant count, demand for the produce has been high. The fruit, slightly testicular in appearance, is also referred to as a Hoosier banana.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Citing new choking hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission on Wednesday ordered the recall of about 1.7 million toys manufactured by Little Lads and Lasses Toys (a division of San Narciso-based Yoyodyne). The items identified as dangerous included tool sets, trucks, furniture and ride ‘em style vehicles. The company had previously recalled several of its products in 2009 when smaller toys became lodged in the throats of children, but described this recall as unprecedented.

“Why we continue to teach this filth to our children defines our nation’s current ruin.” -- F. Chester Greene

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In celebrations across the American Midwest on Monday, thousands of people paid tribute to the legacy of one of the country’s most beloved legends, Johnny Appleseed. Born John Chapman in 1774, Appleseed achieved fame after becoming a frontier nurseryman who introduced apple trees to large parts of Ohio, Indiana and Illinois. He was known as an animal lover, a generous and compassionate humanitarian, a leader in conservation, and a religious missionary; Appleseed belonged to the Swedenborgian Church (also called The New Church), a denomination of Christianity that preached altruism and charity, the shunning of material objects, and the acceptance of all people equally. In point of fact, Swedenborgian Church members accepted blacks into their homes as early as 1790, and many were active abolitionists. The Church also believed that all people could attain Heaven through good works performed in life, regardless of their religious convictions.

“And it’s for those very reasons that we must reevaluate whom we hold up as American icons and heroes,” declared 2012 White House hopeful F. Chester Greene. “The Johnny Appleseed tale may have been charming lore a hundred years ago, but we live in a different world now. And I can’t think of anyone more un-American than Johnny Appleseed. He contradicts the honor of patriots and the values of principled conservatives everywhere. Why we continue to teach this filth to our children defines our nation’s current ruin.”

Paid for by the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE)

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- How does the newest Tea Party candidate to enter the 2012 presidential race take his tea? “I don’t,” snarled Bennington Vale’s F. Chester Greene, delighting the crowd during Thursday’s town hall meeting. “Like our patriotic namesakes, I throw that garbage overboard, dressed as an Indian. Tea represents taxation, class warfare, big government oppression, foreign control of our economy and the subversive gay agenda. Very dangerous things. You’ve seen old paintings of the Brits: Redcoats, fops, pirates. All gay. And they controlled the world. That is, until they met us.”

For Greene, the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” became a clarion call to Americans that the terrorists had finally won. He praised Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern for telling a radio audience that homosexuality posed more dangers to the country than terrorism. And he pledged that his campaign would ignore specious, vote-grabbing issues such as the economy, unemployment, foreign wars, poverty and health care; things he chided as “push-button politics.” Instead, Greene vowed to champion the imperiled rights of heterosexuals, a platform he calls “heterequality,” going so far as to defend his competitor, White House hopeful Rick Santorum, against slurs.

Photo courtesy AP

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last December, President Obama signed legislation to repeal the discriminatory military policy known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” which had become law in 1993 under President Clinton. Since that time, more than 14,500 U.S. service members were thrown out of the military under the policy, according to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network. “Today, the discriminatory law known as ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is finally and formally repealed,” Obama said in a statement. “As of today, patriotic Americans in uniform will no longer have to lie about who they are in order to serve the country they love.”

The repeal officially went into effect Tuesday, ushering in a new era for the U.S. armed forces. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta supported the decision and emphasized that the U.S. military would not tolerate mistreatment of gays in the ranks. But he also went a step further and boldly proclaimed that any retaliation against gay soldiers might unleash “the hounds of hell.” Based on Pentagon research, Panetta cautioned, GLBT troops may be the most dangerous and mighty warriors in the armed services.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the share price of Netflix stocks plunged over the last week, CEO Reed Hastings issued a public apology Monday saying, “I messed up.” But the letter seemed to have done little to quell the frustration felt by customers over the price hikes and separation of services. According to Hastings’ statement, users who continue to subscribe to both the video streaming and DVD by mail services will see two separate bills and a higher total price than they paid before. The once soaring company has lost a quarter of its value in the past week. Analysts are still studying the ongoing impact of these decisions on consumers. One of the issues, according to Netflix users, came from the letter itself, which they described as patronizing, dismissive, disingenuous and bizarre. Among Hastings’ reasons for the separation of services were squirrel infestations, job creation, human rights violations and billing clarity. A copy of the letter can be viewed here. A full transcript of the letter follows.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite delays due to unpaid parking tickets, a court commission in Los Angeles accepted Ron Artest’s petition to legally change his name. The Lakers forward had originally considered names such as “Cream Jesus,” “Girl Sushi Rebel,” “Wu Pang Loony Toontang” and “Tres Siete.” He eventually abandoned these names after teammates teased him about his lifelong obsession with dancing for the Wu tang klan. They also derided Artest as a “poser” for copying NFL wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, who popularized the concept of changing one’s name to match the number on one’s jersey.

Ron Artest will hereafter be known as Metta World Peace.

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The famously controversial televangelist Pat Robertson stunned his conservative Christian base during Thursday’s 700 Club when he justified divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer’s, calling the disease a “kind of death.” For years, loyal viewers have rallied behind Robertson’s homophobia, misogyny, gambling addictions, financial backing of Liberian human rights violators, and calls to assassinate foreign leaders for their differences in economic opinions; but many claim they’ve drawn the line at this skewed interpretation of the scripture. Burl Trevenson, a devoted fan and donor from Bennington Vale, lamented, “I nearly lost all my faith when Reverend Robertson said that global warming was real and started pouring money into the research -- money that people like me gave him to give to God to help save the earth. You know, from queers and uppity women and Hugo Chavez. But this, this I just can’t cotton to. ‘Til death do us part, that’s what it says. Life begins at conception and ends in a terrible orgy of demon sodomy and forced cannibalism. Everything in between is living.”

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to entertainment sources, Scarlett Johansson has contacted the FBI to investigate naked pictures of her leaked Wednesday to BuzzFeed, a popular viral media site. The 26-year-old actress was also listed among more than 50 celebrities whose email accounts and smartphones had been hacked by paparazzi looking for dirt. The distorted photos posted Wednesday show a woman who appears to be Johansson, taking iPhone pictures of her bare backside and breasts. Agents at the FBI, however, said they won’t prioritizing this particular complaint: “In the case of Ms. Johansson, our offices understand that nearly every male over the age of 20 in Hollywood has seen her naked in hotel rooms, elevators, lounges, cars, dog walking parks, Kinkos, gas stations, sporting events, churches, ice cream socials, the DMV, you name it. The public distribution of these images should be a non-issue. But we are still looking into the criminal aspect of the trespass.”

Photo courtesy WABC

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On December 15, 2010, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript reported that WABC meteorologist Heidi Jones had been suspended from the station for presumably filing a false police report in September 2010. Jones’ statement to authorities alleged that a Hispanic male attempted to rape her while she was jogging in Central Park. However, none of the evidence Jones presented added up for detectives, who had spent a great deal of time, resources and money canvassing the area in search of the suspect. A detective at the time told reporters, “It didn’t really come as a big surprise to us. She’s a weather girl, she works in lies. One day, she says it’ll be 80 degrees and it snows. Then she predicts torrential rains and we have an early summer. This woman’s been full of crap since day one. So, we didn’t put too much stock into her story. For all we know, some street vendor tried to sell her a balloon or a hot dog. And somehow, in her warped weather person mind, that hot dog became a penis and the little old man in the wheelchair selling it became a vicious, stealthy rapist. Today’s forecast? A steaming downpour of manure.”

In Support, San Narciso Based Republican Candidate Unveils Health Care Credit Card Plan

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Based on the audience reaction to the discussion of treating America’s ill and uninsured, which took place during Monday’s Tea Party sponsored debate, letting poor people die on the streets could be the solution to cutting taxes and lowering the deficit. Host Wolf Blitzer posed a hypothetical question to Texas Rep. Ron Paul, a doctor, asking how society should respond to a healthy 30-year-old man who decides against buying health insurance but then requires intensive care for six months after falling into a coma. As a Libertarian, Paul is a staunch limited-government advocate. He said the treatment of this patient should not be the government’s burden to bear alone: “That’s what freedom is all about, taking your own risks.” But the rabid applause from the audience drowned Paul out before he could clarify his statement. Blitzer also interrupted and asked, “Are you saying that society should just let him die?” Several loud cheers of “yeah!” erupted from the crowd, followed by laughter. Most of the candidates later admitted to being taken aback by the response, but they defended the crowd’s “passionate” sentiments.

On Tuesday, San Narciso’s own F. Chester Greene, a new dark horse candidate entering the race, explained, “I understand what they were really saying. That the best way to cut taxes is to cut out those drains on the system: in this case, the poor, uninsured and terminally ill. Especially immigrants. I see it as an opportunity to get creative with health care options. Unlike my peers, I have a plan.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Local radio station KCUF 108.7 FM apologized today for what owner and operator Wendell “Mucho” Maas called a regrettable error in judgment during Sunday’s 16-hour broadcast to commemorate the national tragedy of September 11, 2001. It’s not the first time Maas has been chastised for questionable on-air antics. KCUF was shuttered in 1972, following a disturbing, confusing and impossible-to-describe incident involving Maas’ LSD-fueled rant about a conspiratorial postal service operating against the government. In 1987, the station was resurrected by Mr. Maas himself, along with support from key city council members and a team of angel investors.

During the early morning talk show “Pitches for Bitches,” which runs Mondays from midnight to 4:00 a.m. and offers dating advice to clumsy and lovelorn bachelors from hosts B Wack Cubed (a.k.a Lil Chuyblanca) and Nugget Funk DJ Scratch, Maas took over the mic and issued a public statement of contrition.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- During the Republican presidential debate on Wednesday, Texas Governor Rick Perry offered no apologies for his skepticism about certain “facts” scientists purported to have proven, but he also denounced those who attempted to label him as “anti-science” -- even those within the ranks of his own party. Perry reminded his detractors that theories such as evolution and global climate change remain contested by some scientists, and are not indisputably proven. However, to demonstrate that he is a proponent of science -- specifically established science that has stood the test of time and which has its roots in real American history -- Perry today offered Washington a “very scientifical” plan with “historically proven results” to combat the credible terror threat received Thursday. Although controversial and derided by intelligence experts, Rick Perry’s “Counter-terrorism Crucible” has been embraced by Tea Party voters. The plan’s methodology is predicated on the enhanced interrogation techniques used throughout Salem, Mass., during America’s founding,

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A man dressed in a Gumby costume attempted to rob a 7-11 convenience store in Rancho Penasquitos early Monday morning. The suspect told the clerk he was robbing the store, and then demanded all the money in the till. The worker, however, took the would-be thief as a prankster and ignored the request. Gumby eventually fled the scene without incident according to San Diego Police detectives. For three days, the clay criminal eluded authorities. But on Thursday morning, just outside the city of Santa Calcetines in San Narciso County, Gumby appeared again. Based on police logs, Gumby entered Big Ole Honking Donuts around 5:30 a.m., demanding the money from the cash register. Several SNPD officers just coming on shift were in the establishment at the time of the disturbance. Within seconds of entering, Gumby was shot eight times in the extremities. He was fatally wounded as he tried to run out of the donut shop and escape on a slow orange pony.

In related news, witnesses in neighboring businesses also alerted police to the presence of two suspicious men lurking near the alley at the time of the botched robbery. SNPD continues to search for information on these additional persons of interest. They are described as unusually thin, ruddy in complexion and with extremely square, bald heads. “I couldn’t see much, but they were scowling. And one of them had the letter ‘J’ tattooed to the side of his head,” a witness told detectives.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.

Image courtesy of POLITICO

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Reporting live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers spent Wednesday evening covering the Reagan Library Republican Presidential Debate. Highlights, revelations and surprises from the event follow. Special thanks to Piers and Astrid Addleson for reserving space in the bar at the last minute for our reporters, who were aggressively denied press passes to the venue.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jeff Gordon won his third season victory today at Atlanta Motor Speedway, the 85th of his career, but NASCAR fans throughout San Narciso County missed out on the celebrations. “I’m outraged,” snarled Irv Spurlott, a stock car enthusiast from Bennington Vale. “We got cheated, and I demand an explanation. If my wife hadn’t flipped over to the news, which was showing Gordon holding his trophy, I never would’ve known what was happening.”

Spurlott’s frustration was echoed by all NASCAR devotees in the county. George Newman, general manager of local cable provider RJ Fletcher Communications, issued a formal apology Tuesday evening for airing footage from freeway traffic cameras in place of the actual NASCAR race.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As President Obama prepares to deliver a major jobs speech on Thursday, conservative Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry warned his supporters against falling prey to a politically motivated address full of “red herrings and fear-based rhetoric” that will be used to pass a dangerous socialist agenda. Perry said he believes the White House will leverage the country’s concern over unemployment to promote public sector jobs and the subsequent expansion of the federal government. “If you’re already struggling to make ends meet -- if you’re fighting to keep the IRS from your doorstep -- this is just going to make things worse. I should know. When I first started as a civil servant, I made $45,000 a year. But by 2007, I was making six figures and using my position to amass over a million dollars in government land deals. You know who paid for that? You. For the good the country, we can’t allow this to continue.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the Labor Day holiday upon us, and the ailing economy showing signs of continued stagnation as employment reports indicate no pickup in job creation during the remaining 16 weeks of 2011, the White House issued a statement Friday redefining Labor Day as a national day of mourning, commiserating the loss of America’s workforce, strength, middle class, and founding principles.

Labor Day celebrations were first observed in 1882 as a way of honoring the nation’s booming labor movement, a paragon to the rest of the world and a portent of America’s future might. “Today,” the White House told the country, “that’s all changed. Today, we pay tribute to our fallen co-workers, our foreclosed mortgages, and our friends lost to suicide or in hiding from debt collectors.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The San Narciso Police Department had an unusually busy week according to officers. Between Sunday and Thursday, units found themselves responding to a series of disturbance calls during performances of The Tank Players’ theatrical production of “It’s a Small World.” Several arrests were made, including a local high school football coach. A homemaker who confessed to various acts of terrorism and jihad was also detained for questioning by authorities, but was later released without being charged. SNPD spokesman Ren Williams said, “We’ve never seen anything quite like this. For whatever reason, about midway through the musical, people begin airing all their wrongdoings to the world. It's like watching a suspect break under enhanced interrogation -- just saying anything to make the pain stop. We’re still looking into it. For the time being, though, all upcoming performances have been cancelled.”