SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Much has been made in the news today about Fourth Amendment protections. In one instance, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled that police must obtain a search warrant before attaching GPS devices to the vehicles of suspects. Law enforcement officials argued that drivers operating on public roads should have no expectation of privacy. Troubled by that rationale, the court unanimously determined that the Fourth Amendment's protection of "persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures" extended to automobiles. Republican Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky.), son of presidential candidate Ron Paul (R-Texas), also invoked his reasonable expectation of privacy when he refused a TSA patdown Monday in Nashville after airport scanners reported an anomaly. Ron Paul responded with a harshly worded attack against the TSA, saying the agency "gropes and grabs our kids and our seniors and does nothing to keep us safe." But in a highly unusual turn of events, these invasive policies were resoundingly endorsed by a group of alien abductees who described the universe as a safer place because of austere screening procedures.

Accusations of Rogue Police State
During a senate hearing last June, Rand Paul argued that TSA Administrator John Pistole's random patdown tactics not only failed to ensure airline safety but demonstrated an appalling lack of education in anti-terrorism.

"This isn't to say that we don't believe in safety procedures," Paul said. "But I think I feel less safe because you're doing these invasive exams on a six-year-old. It makes me think you're clueless that you think she's going to attack our country and that you're not doing your research on the people who would attack our country."

Pistole replied by illustrating the threat a six-year-old girl could pose by boarding a plane with a lethal Build-A-Bear doll stuffed with bricks of C4 instead of "love" and weaponized vials of bio-agents in place of "cuddly wuddly hearts."

"From a TSA stance, Build-A-Bear's motto might as well be 'Where Terrorists are Made,'" Pistole said. "We can't presume the safety of everything brought on a plane, especially by children whose al Qaeda sympathizing parents are using them as weapons against their knowledge. I mean, all you have to do is configure a simple video game system into a detonator and the next time little Aaleyah tries to take out a pig with one of her angry birds, a fiery 777 destroys a neighborhood in Minnesota."

Paul also claimed that when TSA agents probe a passenger's cavity, which occurs about every seven seconds in the United States, they are mining DNA data that can be used as a digital signature. "It's just another type of GPS system, and they should be required to obtain a warrant from a judge," Paul added.

TSA agents at the Nashville terminal implied that Paul refused a patdown after being informed that sensors had discovered what appeared to be a female "marital aid" in his underwear.

Extra Security Measures Benefit Extraterrestrials
Amid the legal back-and-forth over privacy rights, a group of alien abductees rushed to the defense of those who support a rigid police state.

Hershell Turgafoy, a three-time alien abductee, called the highly criticized practice of anal probing by extraterrestrials a misunderstood security protocol.

"When the little gray visitors 'forcibly invite' you to be an 'indentured guest' aboard one of their vessels, the first thing they do is administer the anal probe," Turgafoy explained. "But it's not a physiological experiment. These beings have constructed craft capable of traversing infinite reaches of space and time. So doesn't it seem ridiculous to suppose they're going to learn something about us they didn't already know by ramming a metal rod up our butts? It's part of their security screening process. Basically, you're dealing with the alien version of a TSA patdown. And from what I know about our own TSA, it isn't much worse."

Turgafoy and his fellow abductees admitted that ET screenings can be uncomfortable and frightening, but they also described them as incredibly effective.

Turgafoy said: "It's a little spooky at first, sure. You can't speak their language, so you're not really certain what's going on. But then, I can't understand half the things those illiterate teens are saying at LAX. Plus, the ETs don't make us open our laptops, take off our shoes and belts and coats, place all our worldly possessions in bins, throw away liquids we might be carrying, or anything else. They just tug our drawers down a smidge and slip that probe up our backsides. They also attach a little monitoring device in there, and you never need to go through the process again once you're tagged. It's a lot more convenient. And, their machines never give false readings."

According to the group, nowhere else in nearby galaxies are terrorist attacks a concern.

"Collectively, we've been to Betelgeuse, Triangulum Australe, Ursa Major and the Draco system -- all of them have been perfectly safe," Turgafoy continued. "The anal probes are accurate tools for assessing harmful intentions, criminal pasts and violent proclivities. Credible threats have their brain functions suppressed and enter a state of a limbo where they experience only a passing awareness of their own existence. It's a lot like being Rick Perry. But you won't see terrorism or war outside our orbit. Rand Paul might not like having his personal space invaded, but if we just let the TSA really get their hands dirty, we could be living in a similar utopia. I'd bend over backward for that kind of peace of mind. Rand Paul should be willing to do the same."

Surprisingly, John Pistole and many congressional Republicans said they would be eager to explore the potential of anal probing alien technology.

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