SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Over the past few weeks, Catholic bishops have sparred with President Obama over the contentious issue of birth control, which they see as an issue of religious freedom. Mandating that faith-based organizations fund contraception, they claim, stifles those freedoms. Even though President Obama caved to pressure and exonerated religious employers such as hospital and universities, the Conference of Catholic Bishops continued to protest that the exemption didn't go far enough in protecting religious rights. "We've got to procreate as the Lord demanded," said Bishop Dick Reamer of the San Narciso County diocese. "We need to raise our numbers. At this point, it's a matter of competition. We've got the crazies jumping on board with Fred Phelps, the End Timers still clinging to hopes of Harold Camping, celebrities running with Scientology and Kabbalah, and like a gazillion Muslims to contend with. We need babies. Catholic babies." The anti-birth control stance within the church has become so critical that a priest was ex-communicated in January for counseling a family on the rhythm method. "It's still birth control," Reamer added. Amazingly, however, hardliners in the Catholic Church did a rare about-face Wednesday, with the Vatican issuing a papal decree striking down all previous condemnations against contraceptive devices and practices.

A spokesperson in Rome said the decision came after church officials learned of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's pregnancy. Snooki is the 24-year-old star of the reality television series "Jersey Shores." She is a multimillionaire who enjoys indiscriminate, unprotected sex and urinating in public places. She is believed to be three-months pregnant. Although the papal council does not believe Snooki is carrying the anti-Christ, they fear her offspring might be something more obnoxious and detrimental to society. Some insiders perceive the situation as so dire that the church might consider relaxing its opposition to pro-choice legislation.

"This is truly a morose day," Father Preternature told the congregation of San Narciso's only Catholic Church. "They say the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. That when a door closes, a window opens. But to learn of Snooki's pregnancy on the same day as Davy Jones' sudden demise, it seems to me that sometimes the Lord just closes doors and smashes windows and takes away. There are two tragedies today, and I'm struggling to understand which is the worse."

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