SANTA MONICA Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- "I love being a father," Ben Affleck said to reporters who actually had asked him about his thoughts on the situation in Northern Uganda and the Invisible Children charity, which has become the subject of controversy for allegedly appropriating millions of donations. "Let's talk about visible children," Affleck interjected, redirecting the conversation to the birth of his son, Samuel. Actress Jennifer Garner and husband Ben ushered in their third baby just two weeks ago at the end of February. But with Mom's busy schedule, Affleck has had to prove his babysitting skills. On Wednesday, he told reporters that Garner had left him in charge of Samuel after explaining how to feed him. A horrified neighbor who witnessed Affleck feeding the infant placed a frantic call to the police.

Garner arrived home to find Child Protective Services and local authorities attempting to restrain a drunk and naked Affleck.

"Sometimes Ben likes to sing to Samuel after I feed him. It helps with naptime," Garner nervously explained.

Witnesses claim that Affleck was singing, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…" to the infant, who continued suckling his nipple as he danced wildly around the house, deranged from a day's worth of booze and a "Pearl Harbor" marathon.

But the couple's problems only increased after police pried the child from his father’s bosom.

"It seems that Mr. Affleck lost the baby to Vietnamese slave traders during a poker game. That's outside our jurisdiction, so we had to hand the baby over to his new owners," one officer told the press.

Ben Affleck has admitted to alcohol, drug and gambling addictions in the past. On the bright side, this story has distracted the press from covering Affleck's release of the director's cut of "Reindeer Games" on Blu-ray, which neighbors described as even more repulsive.

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