RIP Dick Clark (1929 - 2012)

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dick Clark, the iconic personality behind "American Bandstand," died Wednesday at the age of 82. Doctors credited the cause of death to a heart attack. Throughout his career, Clark remained an influential force in popular music. He introduced generations of Americans to megastars from Buddy Holly to Michael Jackson to Madonna. He translated his success into the creation of a pop culture media empire. But Clark truly solidified his presence as a cultural touchstone after becoming the host of the eponymous New Year's Eve specials that ran on ABC for four decades. To viewers around the globe, Dick Clark owned New Year's Eve. Investors agreed. But as millions today mourned the passing of "the world's oldest teenager" and reflected on his legacy, millions more flooded government offices and churches in sheer terror, demanding to know if 2013 would come without Clark. Authorities have refused to comment for fear of setting off a chain of riots and suicides.

Eschatological beliefs about the end of world in 2012 have increased as the fated date draws near. The modern iteration of this fear appeared to take root shortly before the Y2K scare. This gave way to the Doomsday panic of the Bush presidency, which seemed intent on helping along the Rapture. More recently, End Times prophet Harold Camping did his desperate level-best to see the world perish in famine and plague. And lurking in the background of all these events, almost underscoring them, has been the Mayan calendar, which ends on December 21, 2012.

To most, the Mayan drop-dead date has been invoked in jest or as an easy plot device for big budget action films. But in late February, when "Jersey Shores" star Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi announced her pregnancy -- with a due date of December 21, 2012 -- even non-believers began earnestly reconsidering their stances on faith.

The passing of Dick Clark leaves the fate of 2013 more uncertain than ever before.

"It's the final nail in the coffin -- maybe literally," said Walker Hollywell, professor of Theological Economics at San Narciso College. "What once seemed inevitable -- that a garishly illuminated ball would take a 10-second plunge down a pole in Times Square to usher in 2013 -- doesn't anymore. There's no Christmas without Christ. There's no New Year without Clark. What if -- just suppose for a moment -- that time couldn't progress without him. I mean, the guy never aged. He must have had some alien control over time. Whatever the reason, we're speeding headlong into oblivion. Or worse."

In Related News
Dick Clark Productions clarified that doctors cited a "massive heart attack" as the cause of Mr. Clark's death. The company was not, as many believed, announcing the band Massive Attack as the headlining act for Rockin' New Year's Eve 2012.

The Clark Estate sued Ryan Seacrest for the rights to Dick Clark's remains after Seacrest leaked funeral plans that included suspending the coffin from a pole and counting down its descent to the grave. Lady Gaga, slated to sing Ave Maria following eulogies from Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin, called Seacrest's plan "tacky."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.