"I'm sorry, Mitt, but how gay are you? You were antagonized by a bad hairstyle?" -- Gareth Geerldoff, White House social relations specialist

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After years of "evolving" on the issue, President Obama told the press Wednesday that he believes gay couples should be allowed to marry. The president's comments marked an historic first for the civil rights of homosexuals, as no previous commander-in-chief has publicly expressed support for same sex unions. Advocates for equality in the United States praised Obama's bold announcement. Social conservatives criticized Obama and warned that the risky political move will jeopardize his appeal to right-leaning independents and Christians of all ideological persuasions, effectively handing those votes to Mitt Romney, the GOP's presumed candidate in this November's election. More than Obama endorsing sodomy, conservatives took offense at the president's decision to use the word "evolving," with its insinuation of an unholy alternative to the established seven-day creation process. On Friday, Obama clarified that his statement was not meant to be divisive. Instead, he had hoped to pave a smoother path forward for self-loathing gay Republicans to come out of the closet and find acceptance -- people like Mitt Romney, who try to mask their latent tendencies with bravado or bullying.

"It's virtually impossible for openly gay people to find a home in politics," Gareth Geerldoff, a White House social relations specialist, told reporters. "Barney Frank had it easier than most being a Democrat, but even then the road was long and hard. Think about how much worse it was for Republicans -- people like James West, Bob Bauman, Jon Hinson, Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy Jr., and countless others. It calls out an interesting irony too. The war-mongering Republican Party seems to have substantially fewer military veterans in its ranks than the Democratic Party, yet the liberal Democrats can't seem to outmatch the sheer volume of queer Republicans."

Experts believe the GOP's allure to gay men is that it's a "virtual sausage fest." The Republican Party's utter hatred of women fosters a predominantly male culture, making it more enticing to homosexuals looking to hook up with young congressional pages. The conservative guilt, however, leads to quiet desperation and self hate, so conservative senators and representatives refuse to acknowledge their natural orientations. Obama's decision to reach around the aisles was an attempt to help them embrace their true identities.

"It's particularly difficult to watch repression take its toll on a person," Geerldoff continued. "Sometimes, these guys end up trying way too hard. Like Larry Craig's 'wide stance' excuse. Like Rick Santorum's bizarre slippery slope scenarios. Or Mitt Romney's ridiculously large family. What's he got, like 10 kids and 18 grandkids? Now that's latent behavior. It's almost Shakespearean: the lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Even the recent revelation of Romney's high school bullying, Geerldoff feels, stinks of latent overcompensation.

"Much ado is being made about Romney bullying some kid in school. Honestly, I think that's exactly the way he wants to paint it. Let's look at the facts. Preppy, man-hungry Mitt is walking around campus checking out the new boys. He finds one with, and I quote, 'bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye.' So Mitt tells one of his buddies, 'He can't look like that,' before tackling the boy and clipping off his hair with scissors. I'm sorry, Mitt, but how gay are you? You were antagonized by a bad hairstyle? And it upset you so much that you slapped the kid down and redid his hair with a pair of shears you were already carrying around in your pocket? The whole 'angry hairdresser' idiom is about as gay as it gets. You can make all the insincere apologies you want for being a tough-guy bully, but what I hear is that lady protesting again. Atta girl, Mitt."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.