SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dozens of lesbian motorcyclists roared down Ocean Avenue in Long Beach on Sunday morning, heralding the start of Southern California's second largest gay pride parade. Before an estimated crowd of 35,000 stunned onlookers, flamboyant costumes and elaborate ornamentation took over the city in a message of unity. For many, the parade became a holiday of sorts. But in nearby San Narciso County, which also commemorated the day, Mayor Manny DiPresso called his town's observance "a true holy-day." All shops and businesses remained closed Sunday, with citizens urged to shelter themselves in the area's churches, which ran marathon 24-hour services. For the single Catholic church in the city, that equated to three consecutive masses. DiPresso also ordered police to barricade the county borders in case the event's organizers tried to "infect our community with the sin they seem so proud about."

"Not only is this a godless display of wantonness and defiance," opined 2012 Republican presidential candidate F. Chester Greene, "the event generates nearly $10 million -- by shoving the gay agenda in everyone's faces. Well, we're using the day to raise money for God through prayer services and tithes, not a blatant circus act to bankroll private interests, hide unsavory desires, and brainwash innocent children. I saw the photos. Kids everywhere. Heaven help them, because it's clearly too late to save their mortal souls."

Other Southern California mayors criticized the county for its unmitigated display of bigotry and exclusion, but DiPresso defended his actions as necessary to appeasing the Almighty. And according to residents, the mayor was right. Between 5:30 p.m. and 6:40 p.m., through a portentous phenomenon witnessed around the globe, the Lord made His displeasure known.

"We watched it start about half past five," DiPresso explained. "The Lord spread his wrath across the sun and began blotting it out. Slowly, over the course of an hour, the star turned dark. And by a quarter to seven, all that was left was a hateful black abyss surrounded by a red ring of purgatorial fire. One council member nervously joked that it looked like a flaming anus. But I think that was the point -- that was the warning. I bet all those sodomites in Long Beach are kicking themselves for not listening to Rick Santorum. The fools."

Schools and businesses will remain closed in San Narciso County until Tuesday, at which time DiPresso believes most of the gays will have traveled back to their homes or been purged in hellfire by the furious vengeance of all-loving Christ.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.