SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On July 18, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy confirmed in no uncertain terms what many had already suspected: that the company's conservative Christian principles support an undeniable anti-LGBT philosophy. Chick-fil-A has a documented history of donating to anti-gay groups, but last week Cathy himself broke with the marketing line Chick-fil-A commonly puts forth -- expressing respect for people of all faiths, colors, creeds and orientations -- writing in a blog post: "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.' And I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about." On Friday, however, following the unfortunate death of the company's chief spokesman, Don Perry, Cathy attempted to defend his views. And in an ironic show of support, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg championed Chick-fil-A's right to free speech, calling Cathy's opinions "none of the government's business. Unless they start selling super-sized sodas in my city; then heads will roll."

When pressed further to confirm his opposition to marriage equality, Cathy told the Baptist Press, "Well, guilty as charged."

His statements were immediately politicized, which led to his demonization in the media and from the governors of several states. Even more damaging, the Jim Henson Co. pulled its Muppets toys from kids meals served at the restaurants. Cathy painted a different picture of the split during this afternoon's press conference.

Chick-fil-A Tells Muppets to "Cluck Off"
"The Muppet people have told their version of events -- that they hate Jesus Christ and the Bible," Cathy said. "And they posted this message on their Facebook page. They basically wrote that they believe in carnal sins and abominations, and don't want to be a part of Chick-fil-A's -- or even God's -- kingdom for any 'future endeavors.' They were then directed by their CEO -- a woman whose name I forget but should probably be 'Eve' -- to send all the money they received from us to GLAAD. They might as well have burned it at a Satanic altar or spent it buying every Aleister Crowley book they could find on Amazon."

In reality, according to Cathy, Chick-fil-A officially asked the Jim Henson Co. to terminate the contract because of "strong moral disagreements."

"I suppose to some, it's a chicken versus the egg argument; which came first," Cathy continued. "And that's the argument of an atheist. Those in Christ's glory know perfectly well which came first. The chicken. God put it there. And then He graced it with the ability to lay eggs and sire more chickens, allowing us to behead, fillet, debone and batter them in the fat of their slaughtered brethren for the enjoyment of mankind. In this case, we're the chickens. We kicked the Muppets out after we learned that Kermit the Frog was fornicating with Miss Piggy. Same sex marriage is horrific enough, but an interspecies union is an invitation to apocalypse. It sort of proves the slippery slope Rick Santorum had warned us against for so long. The Muppets are evil, they bow to a dark master and they have no place in our establishments."

Cathy also said that continuing to promote Muppets characters to impressionable children had the same effect as including pornographic photos in kids meals. He spent the following 15 minutes showing the appalled audience an elaborate collection of adult magazines, many depicting acts of bestiality, to demonstrate.

"Mark my words," Cathy added, "it'll only be a matter of time before Jim Henson's people introduce a gay, chicken-hating Muppet with a pentagram on its shirt."

Chick-fil-A Defines Marriage but Says It's Okay with God
But Cathy's main purpose in hosting the media event was to clarify the company's stance about maintaining the sanctity of marriage based on biblical doctrines, not merely opposing laws enacted to let "demonic sodomites copulate with impunity."

"It's not just a gay thing we're talking about here, and I think that's been grossly misrepresented by the gay-loving, liberal media. The Fox Newses and ABCs and Washington Times of the world," Cathy explained. "Certainly the gays are trying to defy God, but that's not where this ends. We take the issue as a whole seriously. Consider Deuteronomy 22:13-21, which says a marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife's a virgin. If she's not, she shall be executed as a whore. Stoned to death in the public square."

When asked if he was endorsing the killing of women deemed sexually impure prior to their nuptials, Cathy smiled and said, "Guilty as charged."

Death of Don Perry
Amid the public relations turmoil Dan Cathy has dragged the Atlanta-based company into, Chick-fil-A announced that its chief spokesperson had died suddenly Friday morning. Don Perry, who most recently served as vice president in charge of public relations, had worked with the chain for nearly 29 years. The cause of death was listed as a heart attack, leading many to wonder if the stress of the negative publicity and strong backlash had created a fatal level of stress. Still others questioned whether an outraged God struck him down for his company's "arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about."

Doctors have not commented officially but speculated that nearly three decades of eating fatty fried chicken sandwiches and waffle fries may have been contributing health factors.

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