Investigative research and additional reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to seasoned and respected political analysts, not since Richard Nixon has there been a more secretive candidate than Mitt Romney. He won't release his tax returns, he won't use his given name, he won't reveal his blunders, he keeps the public in the dark about his decision making process, he prefers to deal with only top officials and not the people he serves, and he left the governor's office in Massachusetts with the hard drives from his computer. In the latter instance, though, he may have been well intentioned in protecting the public from his video collection of bum fights and Amish rake duels. Romney also changes positions more often than a highly compensated call girl in Manhattan, which makes pinning down his agenda even more challenging. But in his defense, the people rabidly supporting him -- those same individuals who demanded proof of Barack Obama's citizenship and Christianity -- have shown little interest in seeing whether the potential commander-in-chief actually pays his taxes. This year promises to be a tough slog for American voters: one candidate is believed to be the elitist son of a man born in an economically depressed foreign country, whose religion remains a source of confusion to nearly half the nation; the other is President Obama. To help, our researchers have compiled a list of facts about Mitt Romney.

FACT 1: The Lincoln Bedroom will be replaced with a dressage stable.

FACT 2: Romney is allowed to bring only three of his five wives to live in the White House.

FACT 3: Guantanamo Bay inmates will be relocated to the Lazarus Pit.

FACT 4: An airtight kennel will be constructed atop Air Force One to accommodate vice presidential travel.

FACT 5: Romney will abolish presidential term limits by retroactively retiring at the end of each term.

FACT 6: Romney promises a reduction in the cost of janitorial staff by employing relatives sired by his grandfather in Mexico.

FACT 7: Although Romney will occupy the first "dry" White House since Prohibition, the administration will continue to allow for the drinking of political opponents' blood for the purposes of Blood Atonement.

FACT 8: The Koch Brothers and Sheldon Adelson will not be receiving preferential access to the White House for overnight visits; however, they will be allowed to purchase timeshares.

FACT 9: Romney's remark that his choice for a presidential retreat would be based on being close to what he holds nearest to his heart does not indicate that it will be located in Salt Lake City at the Mormon Tabernacle. It will instead be situated at the Romney Estate in the Cayman Islands, informally referred to as the "Counting House."

FACT 10: Romney's claim that he is the "green candidate" has nothing to do with ecology, conservation, or the environment. The statement was meant to describe his ability to support both sides of an issue before discarding it.

FACT 11: Romney believes "all that Teddy Roosevelt eco crap" was a myth: "How could a cripple get around in the wilderness? Doesn't make sense."

FACT 12: Romney's initial hesitation in selecting Paul Ryan as running mate stemmed from his fear that young people would confuse "Romney/Ryan" as a warning from Scooby Doo.

FACT 13: Romney is hoping average Americans will mistake Paul Ryan with the actor who plays Gabe on "The Office."

FACT 14: Romney plans to rededicate the original Garden of Eden site in Missouri. Not only will this correct a long-standing misconception as revealed in the Book of Mormon, it will form the foundation of a new foreign policy strategy to stop Israel and its neighbors from fighting over it.

FACT 15: Romney plans to reintroduce the Mormon ban on women wearing pants, which was abolished after the 1960s. However, insiders say Romney's literal interpretation of the rule could lead to problems.

FACT 16: Just as dead relatives and angels can see you when you sin, even when you're alone, the Patriot Act will continue to monitor everything you do throughout the day with an equal level of Christ's approval.

FACT 17: The American Farm Bureau will now be required to review all cases pending prosecution for the Sin of Onan.

FACT 18: The proposed Romney/Ryan tax plan will allow business owners to claim every hundred thousand dollars of income as a dependent.

FACT 19: Unlike Obama, Romney wants to continue expanding NASA programs. He hopes to create a new fleet of space shuttles capable of seeking out alien life on other planets. He then plans to outsource American manufacturing jobs to those beings.

FACT 20: Mitt Romney thinks government should be run like a business. If the public wants a share in it, people will have to invest. Oh, wait...

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.