Scientologists Could Declare Jihad and Attack Theaters over Offensive Film

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The organized effort and ferocity of the September 11 attacks against the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, caught the Obama administration by surprise. Well-armed extremists stormed the compound Tuesday killing two former Navy SEALS, an information management officer, and respected Ambassador Christopher Stevens. The violence arose during protests against the anti-Islamic film "Innocence of Muslims," which depicts the Prophet Muhammad in an insulting light. Several Libyan security guards were also slain in the hours-long assault. After trailers for "Innocence of Muslims" went viral throughout Islamic countries via YouTube, violent demonstrations occurred in Egypt and Yemen. The United States put all of its diplomatic missions abroad on high alert, bracing for the eruption of more fighting. However, as another religiously offensive film debuted Friday, security agencies began implementing similar precautions inside the country to protect citizens from potential rioting or military style attacks launched by well-equipped, well-funded Scientologist gunmen.

Officials say offended Muslims are just the tip of this iceberg. With Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master" opening today -- offering a searing and unflattering look at the origins of Scientology -- authorities have beefed up peacekeeping forces around flea markets, swap meets, street festivals, hospitals, accident scenes, facilities for the mentally challenged, and other sites where Scientologists gather and are likely to become violently agitated.

Like Islam, the teachings of Scientology often maintain close ties with Christianity. But members of both religions claim they are victimized by Christians.

Although Islam rejects the belief that Jesus was God incarnate or God's son, the Quran describes him as a divine prophet appointed by God to guide the children of Israel.

Jesus also figures prominently in the dogma of Scientology. Scientologists believe he was an agent of an alien mind-control organization imported to Earth for its corruption -- a revelation the religion's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, imparted to his disciples in the 1950s.

Grant Ferrentine, who runs a Scientology mission in San Narciso County, Calif., called the attacks on the U.S. Consulate "inevitable."

"As a member of a religion that faces discrimination each day, I understand the importance of the First Amendment," Ferrentine said. "But hate speech is outside the law. Can you imagine how Christians would react if Muslims produced a movie showing Christ as a NASCAR-hating, child-molesting drug lord in an interracial marriage, who uses his money to fund gay solar farms? And his hobbies include puppy abortions and burning down Walmarts? The outrage and the ensuing unrest would make three centuries of the Crusades look like the bickering of drunks at a neighborhood block party."

Ferrentine conceded a level of hyperbole in his assessment, but ominously noted that this dire outcome "is what 'The Master' is provoking with its slanderous hate speech toward Scientology."

"I respect Christians and Muslims, even though their religions are filled with unbelievable magic, mystical creatures, and other silly fairy tales," Ferrentine continued. "But the devout will go to war over their core beliefs, no matter how far-fetched. What Paul Thomas Anderson's doing to us with his dumb movie is equally appalling -- more so, I think, because Scientology is real and makes sense."

Scientologists believe an alien named Xenu ruled a Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago, known as "Teegeeack." Facing a coup for his inability to curb the overpopulation of the confederate planets, Xenu enlisted psychiatrists to gather billions of citizens together under the ruse of income tax inspections, at which point he seized control of their souls using a mix of alcohol and glycol. The billions of kidnapped beings were loaded onto a spaceship about the size and shape of an old Douglas DC-8, then transported to Earth. Depositing them at the feet of volcanoes across the planet, the DC-8 dropped nuclear bombs into the craters and killed all the beings. Their souls, known as thetans, were dispersed in the explosion. Xenu captured them using a big magnet, implanted false information into them, and then let them possess humans for some reason.

Scientology clears thetans using rational, scientific processes to free humans from alien bondage, Ferrentine explained.

"Nothing fantastic, no miracles, no anthropomorphic men in the sky with white beards and omniscience," he added. "I don't understand why anyone would want to attack our religion, especially because Scientology is deeply entrenched in the halls of power. We've infiltrated Hollywood. We're funding lobbyists, and we've got people inside the government. I'm talking IRS and Defense. If Anderson's cinematic blasphemy about L. Ron Hubbard goes into wide release, we could be looking at an extinction level event -- unless the U.S. government does the right thing and drops this film into Mount St. Helens."

Sensing the impending and inescapable certainty of the Scientology attacks, as he had with the Islamic aggression in the Middle East, Mitt Romney again issued a preemptive denunciation of President Obama for likely not doing enough to prevent the loss of American lives (the body count to be determined after the actual violence begins) and for probably apologizing to Scientologists for America's role in creating "The Master."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.