SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Janis Lane, leader of the Central Mississippi Tea Party, has helped a brave faction of conservative women emerge from the shadows to voice their support for the party's misogynistic doctrine. Lane came forward this week with a courageous admission of self-hatred that reinforces the Biblical principles on which the Tea Party's platform is founded. "There is nothing worse than a bunch of mean, hateful women," she said. "They are diabolical in how they can skewer a person. I do not see that in men." Lane is encouraging like-minded followers to convince others that women shouldn't be allowed to vote in this, or any, election. And to the relief of conservative men who have patiently but tirelessly struggled to restore the grace of God on America's morally bankrupt political system, Tea Party females across the country are carrying Lane's vital message of self-loathing to the public, possibly explaining Mitt Romney's four-point surge in swing states from a push in the polls by female voters -- even though they will not actually be casting ballots now.

In California, Bennington Vale homemaker Constance Gehorsamefrau said Lane's liberating message has inspired her to do more.

Merely persuading women to abandon their voting rights only scratches at the surface of the issue, according to Gehorsamefrau.

"My hope is to see more women fighting on the front lines in the war against women. It's a well established fact that the world was a paradise until Eve ate the forbidden fruit," Gehorsamefrau said. "We women have ushered so many ills into this world. Lilith. Pandora and her box. Helen of Troy. Lindsay Lohan. We are inconstant harpies who lure otherwise good men into legitimately raping us, and then we have frivolous abortions. We are responsible for reality television and 'The View' and Oprah and electing a Muslim terrorist from Kenya as president. We must be stopped."

Gehorsamefrau had planned to immolate herself on the steps of the San Narciso County courthouse Tuesday at the start of the presidential debates. Local officials approved the necessary permits Monday evening. However, realizing the amount of cleanup that would be required -- all of which would come from taxpayer funded services -- Gehorsamefrau reluctantly backed out.

"It's a shame," she said, "but more than equal rights, the Tea Party opposes social services and taxes. So it would have been hypocritical to go through with my fiery sacrifice."

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