SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Senate candidate Richard Mourdock (R-Ind.) struggled to defend his controversial comments about rape and abortion Wednesday, telling the press his statements had been "twisted." Women's rights advocates across the country agreed: nothing, possibly not even Todd Akin's proclamation of "legitimate rape," could have been more twisted than presuming God's divine scheme for creation includes an endorsement of rape. The Senate hopeful has since taken pains to clarify his comments, though his attempts to back out of the startling assertions have ruffled the feathers of evangelical Christians who support the idea of "divine rape." They accused the Hoosier of arrogantly reinterpreting God's will. "Of course God pre-ordains rape," opined Nehemiah Goodman, a theological scientist employed by San Narciso-based defense contractor Yoyodyne. "Some women fight destiny and nature. Sometimes the government interfers with the Lord. Consider President Obama's mandatory contraception laws. And when obstinate politicians and selfish women defy God, He must intervene. Sometimes, those efforts are more intrusive or penetrating than others. Who are we to question Him? Who is Richard Mourdock to presume or apologize on God's behalf?"

Richard Mourdock is the Tea Party-backed candidate who beat Richard Lugar, Indiana's long-standing moderate senator, in the Republican contest earlier this year. Mourdock believes "life begins at conception" and opposes abortion in all situations except where the mother's life is in danger. That leniency too has sparked some dissension among Tea Party officials who welcome the mother's death in these cases as part of God's design.

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God," Mourdock originally said Tuesday night. "And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen."

A day later, The Indianapolis Star reported Mourdock redacting his statements: "I said life is precious. I believe life is precious. I believe rape is a brutal act. It is something that I abhor. That anyone could come away with any meaning other than what I just said is regrettable, and for that I apologize."

Despite the fallout, the gaffe did not prevent the Romney-Ryan campaign from maintaining its support for Mourdock, although analysts suspect the GOP challengers have confused the would-be senator with conservative media powerbroker Rupert Murdoch, who also hates women and believes God continues to rain wrath down upon them for destroying the bliss of Eden. Interestingly, like Adam, Murdoch's paradise was undone by a deceitful woman in whom he had placed all his trust.

Mourdock's scramble to mitigate the damage his "twisted" words caused may have appeased some critics but alienated erstwhile supporters.

"It's as they say," Goodman quipped. "When God closes a door, He opens a window. And in this case, He threw Richard Mourdock out of it."

Mourdock's "desperate" attempt to placate "a nation of atheists" led him to make remarks that directly insulted God, according to Goodman.

"During his apology tour, Mourdock said things like, 'Are you trying to suggest that somehow I think that God pre-ordained rape? No, I don't think that. That's sick. Twisted.' And he called divine rape a 'brutal act,' something he 'abhors.' But all things that exist are byproducts of God's ultimate design. So, it's not any leap to suggest that Richard Mourdock finds God's proxy, non-consensual impregnation of defiant women a twisted, abominable act. That's blasphemy. Read the Bible, Dick, it's full of God's horrific brutalization of women. That's how Jesus came to be. Immaculate conception is a nice way of talking about a forced coupling. You no longer represent the devout, Dick Mourdock."

Goodman admitted that he firmly believes everything in life, beneficent or otherwise, contributes to God's overall plan for humanity.

"Some things are pleasant, some aren't. But everything has its place. Rape, murder, genocide, poverty, war -- all of it. Even the gays. I can't stand them, but their existence -- and more importantly, the threat they pose -- helps me appreciate the sanctity of my holy matrimony. And, it gives us something we can all agree to hate. Whites, blacks, Jews, Mexicans, Muslims -- we all hate queers. And that creates unity. Just another mysterious piece in the Almighty's ingenious puzzle."

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