Lindsay Lohan, 26, prematurely aging

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Comedienne Jenny Johnson not only caused Chris Brown to delete his Twitter account this weekend, she also embroiled herself in a war of flared tempers and deep passions, which has culminated in death threats. Brown -- "Breezy" to his fans -- has a public history of abuse, uncontrollable rage, and rash, provocative outbursts. Yet through it all, the R and B singer's devotees seem willing to forgive his every transgression and defend his dysfunctional behavior against all rational criticism. The latest target of Breezy's zealous admirers is Jenny Johnson, who propelled herself to social networking infamy Sunday when she bashed Brown in a sardonic reply to his Twitter post about premature aging. Brown's original post declared, "I look old as f***. I'm only 23..." Johnson quickly retweeted his message and added, "I know! Being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person." Since the exchange this weekend, Johnson has received threats ranging from stabbing to raping and killing. Some Team Breezy adherents posted on other prominent sites that they would carry out the deed if given the chance. Less homicidal supporters accused Johnson of libel, which is essentially at the crux of the debate. However, despite the outpouring of hate, Johnson has found allies in the medical community and, more unlikely, in Lindsay Lohan, who admitted that she knows firsthand how "being a worthless piece of s*** can really age a person."

In order to fully establish a written statement as libelous, a court will evaluate malicious intent along with the factual accuracy of the accusation. Al Franken famously avoided a defamation suit threatened by Rush Limbaugh over the book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot." The suit never materialized. Limbaugh understood that Franken's defense would easily prove the "big" and "fat" statements. The term "idiot" constitutes opinion, and is therefore inadmissible.

Medical professionals are coming to Johnson's aid with a similar defense. Barring a complicated effort to prove malice, Brown, if he chose to launch a defamation suit, would need to establish that being a worthless piece of s*** wouldn't add the appearance of superfluous years to a person. Moreover, he would also need to prove that he is not, in point of fact, a worthless piece of s***.

"Unfortunately for Mr. Brown, a 2008 LAPD report details his battery against then girlfriend Rihanna and legally establishes him as a piece of s***," said Levon Metzger, a senior attorney with the San Narciso-based law firm Warpe, Wistfull, Kubitschek and McMingus. "Much like the 'idiot' in the Limbaugh example, 'worthless' here would be taken by the court in context of an opinion, not as a quantifiable measurement of Mr. Brown's material wealth. Therefore, inadmissible."

The LAPD officer's report states: "Brown was unable to force Robyn F. [Rihanna] out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contusion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F's mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle."

Metzger said he felt certain most juries would settle on the adjective "worthless" as apt in this situation.

"So, accepting Brown as a worthless piece of s***, the only question remaining would concern the physical likelihood of that status prematurely aging the subject," Metzger added.

Medical researchers quickly attested. A July 2012 study from Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston discovered a link between intense stress and premature aging. Doctors have also long suspected, based on years of observation, that stress leads to an increase in wrinkles, hair loss and other signs of advancing age.

"Look at nearly every U.S. president," said Dr. Archibald Gressler. "Soon after they take office, they exhibit very obvious signs of aging. It's an incredibly stressful role. Take George W. Bush. Not only did he preside over very turbulent times for the nation, he was also by many counts a worthless piece of s***. Being a worthless piece of s*** is a lot of stress for the body to carry. So, it does in fact cause premature aging."

Actress and walking train wreck Lindsay Lohan agreed. The 26-year-old is often mistaken for a woman in her mid forties.

"I know firsthand how badly being a worthless piece of s*** can age a person," Lohan said in a prepared statement to the press. "And it's hard to face that. Mostly because looking in the mirror makes you throw up in your mouth a little. But if you want to change, your piece of s*** personality needs to be called out. I think Jenny Johnson did Chris Brown a favor. No one should have to live like I do. I hope he takes it seriously and gets the help he needs. I also think his fans should be grateful to Jenny for her bravery and concern. But she's absolutely right. At the very least, they should stop trying to attack her for spreading 'lies' and 'blasphemous rumors.' Like the saying goes: it ain't the years, it's the mileage."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.