As Congress raced through the last hours of the year trying to reach a deal over the economy, the Catholic Church spent the runup to New Year's Eve campaigning against the gay menace threatening to devour the world in strife and discord. In his annual holiday message, the pope declared gay marriage an attack on the family infrastructure and even a threat to world peace, especially relevant considering the number of armed conflicts raging today in places like Syria, Egypt and Africa over the pandemic outbreaks of homosexuality.
Cardinal Francis George of Chicago insisted in his holiday address that "the Church welcomes everyone" and has "consistently condemned violence toward or hatred of homosexually oriented men and women." But he cautioned that if same-sex unions become a societal norm, those who "continue to distinguish between genuine marital union and same-sex arrangements will be regarded in law as discriminatory, the equivalent of bigots. Our position against various equal rights in the past has already branded us bigots, but we could now face legal repercussions. After the child abuse scandals, this could become the proverbial straw for the Church. Remember, Al Capone was ultimately brought to justice for tax evasion."
Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols spent Christmas ordering a London church to cease hosting special Masses for openly gay members, which have been offered for over six years without protest. Nichols defended his decision by reiterating statements he made in March: "Many types of sexual activity, including same-sex sexual activity, are not consistent with the teaching of the Church."
Nichols, however, may have a point. Catholic Masses specific to Britain include liturgical rites for differentiating between permitted and illicit sex acts. This particular ceremony generally follows the Liturgy of the Eucharist but precedes the Communion ritual. In it, the priest graphically explains acceptable coital positions, sounds, discourse, attire, devices and times of day for copulating in the Lord's favor. But during the 90-minute rite, there is no mention of homosexuality.
Nichols stressed the Church's moral obligation to teach the proper use of a person's sexual faculty, which is "within a marriage, between a man and a woman, open to the procreation and nurturing of new human life."
The Holy See officially backed Nichols' stance on Tuesday by declaring all sexual congress undertaken for purposes other than procreation -- whether consensual or not -- a cardinal sin and grounds for excommunication. As a result, Catholic leaders expect to banish unprecedented numbers of infertile couples, postmenopausal women and the elderly this month, along with known homosexuals and loose-lipped altar boys.
The Vatican then announced the publication of its long-awaited guide to holy wedlock, based on the rules of marriage as defined in books of the Bible.
The marital instruction manual, titled "The Joyless Sex," should be available for purchase in February. "Just in time for St. Valentine's Day," one Church representative said.
"The Joyless Sex" clarifies the aspects that constitute a blessed union in the eyes of both God and the Church.
For example, a man may knowingly wed and bed his sister without sin, as Abraham did with his sister Sara.
In Genesis 20: 12, Abraham states, "She is truly my sister, the daughter of my father, and not the daughter of my mother, and I took her to wife." However, when King Abimelech attempts to claim the woman for his own, the Lord threatens the monarch of Gerara with certain death. Abimelech took Sara because she had confessed to being Abraham's sister, so the king never presumed them a wedded couple: "Did not he say to me: She is my sister: and she say, He is my brother? in the simplicity of my heart, and cleanness of my hands have I done this."
The question of incest has long plagued society and the Church, but through God's word, "The Joyless Sex" now settles the debate once and for all. Incest is acceptable, but attempting to seduce another man's wife -- even being justifiably unaware of the couple's marital status -- is punishable by death. Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it.
Incest may also be extended to one's children under specific circumstances. In Genesis 19, after God lays waste to the sinful city of Sodom, Lot is permitted to have sex with his two daughters: "Come, let us make him drunk with wine, and let us lie with him, that we may preserve the seed of our father."
In this case, a man may sleep with his daughters if no available women capable of bearing children are nearby (within at least 20 miles) and the intent of the coupling is to produce an heir -- the latter remaining absolutely consistent with Catholic views of sex.
As illustrated in Exodus 21:7-11, a man may sell his daughters into sexual slavery so long as the buyer is not foreign.
And Deuteronomy 22 finally provides an ordained set of parameters for identifying cases of legitimate rape. This section in particular has met with wide approval from Republicans whose careers were cut short for attempting to bring this issue to light.
If a woman is raped, the party responsible for the desecration must compensate the woman's father with a fixed monetary amount. He must also marry this woman. If, however, the accusations of rape turn out to be false, the woman shall be executed at the door of her father's house.
Catholic leaders believe "The Joyless Sex" will prove instrumental in restoring America's traditional family values, which have been hobbled by the recent rash of same-sex marriages. They also hope it will free up space on William Sonoma and Crate and Barrel wedding registries -- other casualties in the war against traditional marriage.
(c) 2013. See disclaimers.