SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The small Amish enclave in the Kinneret Hills surrounding San Narciso County was rocked this week by the discovery of Tourette's syndrome in one of its teens, according to reports from the community newspaper and a local physician who resides near the area referred to as "Amish Acres" by neighboring residents. Tourette's is a congenital neuropsychiatric disorder characterized by physical spasms and peculiar vocal tics, which can include profanity, derogatory remarks and socially unacceptable outbursts. Elders within the reclusive Amish community said the "grave spiritual impurity" came to light Thursday after Tobias Verschmutzt, 12, disrupted school services by asking his teacher for a "gosh darn" pencil sharpener. The schoolmistress, a 22-year-old spinster, swooned with shock and fainted before her pupils. She remains unable to work and will need to convalesce for at least another week. In an interesting corollary, conservative politicians in the area are exploiting the incident to reveal the fatal flaws of social welfare programs like Obamacare.

California's Secret Amish Migration
The Amish, traditionally Pennsylvania Dutch, are a group of traditionalist Christians who trace their origins to the Mennonite churches of the early 17th century. Springing from Anabaptist denominations, they are most readily characterized by pacifism and eschewing modern luxuries and resources. Amish communities are close-knit and do not accept outsiders unless those individuals commit to joining the church and immersing themselves wholly in the society. They are generally considered one of America's most misunderstood communities.

Not many county residents can recall just how or why the Amish came to settle in San Narciso, but Mayor Manny DiPresso says they were invited in the early 1970s.

San Narciso was founded in 1966 by wealthy real estate magnate Pierce Inverarity and Yoyodyne CEO Clayton "Bloody" Chiclitz. The Galactronics Division of Yoyodyne, one of the nation's most vital aerospace industry contractors, endures as the county's primary employer. According to DiPresso, private correspondence between Inverarity and Chiclitz provides evidence of their interest in the Amish, which historical records did not preserve.

"From what I've read, it seems Inverarity had convinced Chiclitz that the Amish regularly participated in a brutal bloodsport called rake fighting, or just raking," DiPresso explained. "He was hoping to give the Amish some land in exchange for exhibitions of their to-the-death rakings before paying audiences. Sort of like Mexican cock fights or brunch at Michael Vick's place."

In one of the letters DiPresso shared, Inverarity wrote: "The Amish are a lot like the Quakers, Clayton. They're both pacifist outfits. Neither of these religious groups will fight in a war. That's what they say, anyway. I think it's a load of crap. Look, if the Quakers produced Richard Nixon, just imagine the horrors the Amish are hiding away in their barns. My sources tell me that young Amish boys, the ones generally left to tend the chickens and their hatchlings, are indoctrinated to raking early. The adults encourage them to practice on the fowl. You know, 'Go rake some chicks, boys!'"

While Chiclitz never embraced his partner's misguided theories about the Fightin' Amish, or anything else, he cooperated with Inverarity for financial gain.

"Pierce also believed Amish craftsmen were capable of building a rocket ship out of mahogany, iron and hand-blown glass, and then sending it to colonize the moon," DiPresso said. "So he offered Bloody Chiclitz an exceedingly generous annuity to fund the project through Yoyodyne until its completion, which will never happen. That's partially why Yoyodyne is always profitable and why Amish Acres has a space program -- a large grain silo with a sign that reads 'Amish Aeronautics and Astrophysics Agency.'"

Tourette's Discovery -- Socialists Against Socialized Healthcare
The Amish live a communal lifestyle focused on family, work and Christ. The essence of family is paternalistic and tiered. The Amish also demand and enforce strict obedience in their children. Violations of behavior and etiquette lead to corporal punishment.

Although they identify as a pacifist culture, they justify beating the "Hell out of" disobedient young people by citing several passages in the Bible that demonstrate how the meek shall inherit the Earth and how violence is to be shunned unless used to clout dissenters into the requisite state of meekness. Impudence, sass and cursing are, to the peace loving Amish, transgressions that warrant immediate action, not turning the other cheek.

"Any youthful dissatisfactions are usually verbally expressed, but profanity is never allowed because the guilty child can expect swift punishment," wrote John Hostetler in his definitive book, "Amish Society."

"Understanding this, it's not difficult to see why young Tobias' use of foul language was a strange and frightful event to the village," said Dr. Janus Heuchler, directing sociologist at San Narciso's Poeslaw Institute for Social Research and Development (PISRAD).

Tobias' father, Hartmut Verschmutzt, told the Amish community paper, A Few Good Mennonite, that he had noticed his son acting "demonic" after school on Friday. During his chores, Tobias suddenly stopped working and began "shaking and dancing violently, as though possessed by Satan's minions." The boy then loosed a stream of profanity, according to the paper, which included taboo expressions such as golly gee willikers, jumpin' Jehosaphat, gee wiz, gosh darnit, dagnabbit, Jiminy Christmas, bejabbers, consarn, dad-sizzle, thunderation, great horn spoon and G. Rover Cripes.

Tobias' stricken teacher said he had also uttered "demeaning and aberrant things gangsters in the cities say about women."

However, as Dr. Heuchler noted, in order for Tobias to repeat such foul language, he must have had some exposure to it. So far, none of the Amish townspeople admit to knowing where Tobias could have picked up the obscene speech.

Hartmut Verschmutzt told reporters with A Few Good Mennonite: "It's stranger still that my son was speaking in the manner of Los Angeles hoodlums. They don't trespass here. And I was the last person he spoke with before the incident in the schoolhouse. I merely reminded him to stop playing with some of the new puppies and get back to sowing the fields before class. I said to him, 'Stop messing with those bitches and get back to your hoe!'"

Dr. Howard Jensenson, a pediatrician who lives just outside Amish Acres, was allowed to diagnose Tobias after Hartmut Verschmutzt and three elders went looking for a skilled exorcist.

"They approached me, initially, to see if I could recommend an exorcist," Dr. Jensenson said. "We have only one Catholic priest in town, so I really couldn't. But I convinced them to let me see the boy. Almost immediately after meeting him, I was certain he had Tourette syndrome. I explained to Mr. Verschmutzt what it was. At that point, the townspeople started shaking angrily and screaming in German. Then they took up rakes, pitchforks and torches, and rushed me out the village."

Conservative local politician and former 2012 White House hopeful F. Chester Greene seized on the opportunity to illustrate the event as representative of the ongoing problems with Obamacare.

"I think what happened at Amish Acres last week should be a wake-up call to the wider American public," Greene said during a scheduled town hall meeting on Saturday. "What we witnessed was unique and telling -- a group of undeniable socialists, who live in communes, literally chased out the embodiment of a corrupt and evil socialized medical system. Do you know about two-thirds of Amish deny health insurance? It's true. They instead participate in Church Aid, an informal self-insurance plan. They don't demand that their employers sacrifice company revenues to foot medical bills. And they don't pressure the government to raise taxes in order to provide them with a free ride to healthy living. They take care of it themselves, as real Americans used to. As our Founders intended. These socialists reject socialized programs. And you know something else? They don't even pay taxes. They don't believe in it. And why should they? They take no government handouts. They're clean, hard-working, self-sufficient Christians who live off the land and don't accept entitlements. And, I can't stress this enough, they're socialists. To my way of thinking, if the Democrats have moved this far left of admitted socialists, then we're doomed as a nation if we allow them any ground in the current debate about our national debt, our taxes and our free market health insurance."

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