SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the government shutdown lumbers into its 16th day, pushing the United States precariously close to defaulting on its bonds, House Republicans abruptly scrapped plans Tuesday evening to vote on a revised budget and raise the debt ceiling before Thursday's deadline. The Senate had already been close to finalizing a proposal that would have prevented the default while keeping the government functioning until 2014. The House, however, announced that it was drafting its own resolution. Speaker John Boehner's failure to submit the conservative-friendly alternative is seen as a severe blow to his standing and authority. But shortly after House leaders officially called off their efforts, Boehner surprised reporters by admitting that ranking conservatives had no desire to reopen the government. Ever. "After considering everything in detail, we believe that leaving cumbersome elements of the federal government closed indefinitely will actually save our economy by doing away with unnecessary, financially prohibitive regulations."

Amid backlash from disgruntled Americans, economists also warned that the government shutdown could have serious fiscal ramifications. Over 800,000 federal workers have been furloughed without pay. Boehner and other Republicans see this as the first step toward restoring the nation's financial independence.

"Conservatives have been saying this for years: lazy and entitled government employees, who live on the blood, sweat and tears of hardworking taxpayers, are not true members of the nation's labor force," Boehner said. "Anyone who's suffered through a day at the DMV or the post office knows exactly what I mean. Civil servants are leeches who suckle at the teat of the tax system. Legitimate workers pay these practically unassailable bums to sit around pushing paper, taking breaks, enjoying exemplary medical care funded by others, and ignoring their obligations to the people paying their bills. It's time they be forced to contribute."

But the real boon of keeping extraneous government agencies shuttered, Boehner believes, comes from the elimination of "pesky regulations" that prevent businesses from generating unprecedented profits.

"By freeing our entrepreneurs from the shackles the Democrats have imprisoned them in, we're positioning the United States to become the world's most thriving economy," declared Boehner.

As one example, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission will no longer pursue discrimination complaints or respond to concerns from the public during the shutdown. The National Labor Relations Board, tasked with investigating employers accused of workplace violations, has virtually ceased operating, with 99 percent of its staff furloughed.

"This is one of the most important assets to arise from the shutdown," Boehner explained. "Employers can now rid themselves of unproductive or problematic workers without going through a long, expensive, bureaucratic process -- or facing fines and lawsuits. They can get back to the business of making money and strengthening the economy."

The work of the National Weather Service, another outdated agency, has also come to a halt. With weather apps available on every smart device and real-time forecasts accessible through the Internet, Boehner sees no need for taxpayers to bear this burden.

"The best news, however, is the closure of the Consumer Product Safety Commission," Boehner noted.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission screens products that arrive from overseas, with the goal of stopping potentially "dangerous" goods from reaching stores. Since 1972, the CPSC has banned children's toys that its "nanny-state administrators" have deemed unsafe. Such products, they claim, contain allegedly high levels of lead, present dubious choking hazards or pose farfetched risks such as lacerations or electric shock.

"So many companies are blocked from selling new products to Americans," Boehner lamented, tears welling in his eyes. "Consumers are denied the choices that should be intrinsic to a free market, and our economy suffers. It's a comfort to know that these absurd and politically motivated obstacles have been removed. For the children. And just in time for the holidays."

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