2014 - The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript

Monday, December 29, 2014

Santa Claus Faces Millions of Complaints for Ignoring Critical Dental Care Requests

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Postal workers at the Anchorage, Alaska, distribution center -- which processes mail to the North Pole -- were inundated Monday by millions of letters from children who received smart phones, tablets, video gaming consoles, laptops and other popular electronic items instead of the two front teeth they requested. "I've been good all year," ten-year-old Barrett Nostrom of Sweden lisped. "Why didn't Santa bring me my teeth? We have no use for this Xbox 360 machine on the farm. I opened it, and there were no Xs inside the box. I tried to use it as a doorstop for the goat pen, but the animals ate it right away. Cheap and worthless thing. But the equally misleading Apple device we got last year, which contained no fruit, did hold out much longer. Mother says it's the smoothest ironing board she's ever used."

But Does Santa Believe in You? Kris Kringle Questions the Existence of Children

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just hours before embarking on his annual goodwill mission, Santa Claus admitted Wednesday that for almost two hundred years he's harbored growing doubts about the existence of children. St. Nick opened this morning's global press briefing on a surprisingly somber note, offering reporters a rare glimpse into the philosophical and spiritual conflicts that have troubled his soul since the end of the 1950s, when he first recognized his budding crisis of faith. Kris Kringle said: "I've been reluctant to talk about this, but I feel the time is right. A lot of dubious claims have been made, creating myths that just can't be justified in my mind. I've tried to rationalize them for years, but I can't continue living in a delusion." He then revealed that, among other things, no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

It’s a Wonderful Life after Shrewd Banker Saves Town from Shady Subprime Lender

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the start of the financial crisis in 2008 through the end of last year, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) had closed 465 banks. This year, 2014, regulators shuttered another 232 failed banks. As it now stands, 10 percent of the banking industry controls 92 percent of its total assets. That’s created the impression among many people that massive corporate interests have steamrolled their way to power, crushing the little guys in their wakes. This perception became more poignant Monday, just two days before Christmas Eve, when regulators seized the assets of the famed Bailey Savings and Loan in Bedford Falls. Conservative policymakers have long defended these “heartless financial giants” as the heroes of the tale. And for Bedford Falls, a corporate banker named Potter, whom the town previously considered a ruthless and malevolent cad, has indeed emerged as a savior. The example of George Bailey -- the beloved proprietor of Bailey Savings and Loan -- provides glaring proof of how seemingly kind-hearted and altruistic subprime lenders are destroying their communities while promising them “a wonderful life.”

Prince George’s Uncomfortable Visit to Santa’s Magical Journey Like ‘Game of Thrones’ Episode

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prince George, England’s 17-month-old heir to the throne, spent his weekend touring Santa’s Magical Journey in Thursford, a quaint parish in the county of Norfolk. The little prince, sources explained, “gazed in awe” at audio-animatronic denizens of an enchanted holiday forest, including reindeer, penguins, polar bears and elves -- all set amid the backdrop of festive lights, ornaments and artificial snowfall. Several guests attending the yuletide experience chuckled when the future king exclaimed that he hadn’t seen so much snow and so many midgets since his uncle Harry’s last birthday party. The attraction’s general manager described George as having “a lovely time,” although she admitted that spectators became increasingly uncomfortable every time George hugged a robotic reindeer and shouted, “I love you, GaGa Camilla!”

CIA Torture Czars Publish Guide for Parenting Naughty Children, Just in Time for Christmas

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To Bennington Vale locals, homemaker Emmeline Kuchenkoch needs no introduction. Chances are, if you’ve dined at Piers Addleson’s Pea House and ordered a cake, the heady Linzer Torte or the bemusing marzipan characters inspired by the Passion of Christ, then you've sampled Kuchenkoch’s wares. The Addleson family has been reselling her delicacies for over 40 years in their restaurant. But scandal rocked San Narciso County Tuesday when rivals at the struggling Hearth Attack bakery discovered damaging information that pressured Emmeline Kuchenkoch to confess, “My Christmas fruitcake is not actually world famous.”

Cheney Blames CIA Torture Failures on Inexperienced Team: He Requested Eli Roth and Tom Six

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, as anticipated, Senate Select Committee on Intelligence Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein presented the long-awaited executive summary of the panel’s report on the U.S.-sanctioned torture of enemy combatants. Throughout the week, we’ll be covering key points unveiled in the summary. And today we’ll begin with the report’s overwhelming conclusion that no actionable or meaningful data was obtained as a result of torture. After Feinstein’s address, however, and despite a mountain of proof, former Vice President Cheney offered more examples to dispute the Committee’s assertions that “enhanced interrogation” techniques failed; but he also walked back his initial boasts amid revelations that the psychologists contracted as architects of the program were untrained: “It would’ve worked flawlessly if the CIA had used my proposed team of torture experts -- Eli Roth, Tom Six and Shia LaBeouf,” Cheney snarled.

Annual Christmas Parade Safety Rules for a Magical 2014 Holiday Experience

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It's that time of year again! The Annual Bennington Vale Christmas Parade is scheduled for Saturday, December 6, 2014. Sidewalks CANNOT be reserved with personal property, which includes unattended children and the elderly, until 5:00 p.m. or 5:30 p.m. if center medians are used. The parade route spans Maxwell Street, Cape Horn Avenue and Tragic Courier’s Way, ending at Lake Inverarity’s Fangoso Lagoons. The estimated duration of the event is three hours.

Special Safety Procedures for Large, Unarmed Black Teens

As a special reminder, due to the increased sensitivity of race relations and the subsequent pressures placed on police agencies across the nation, we ask that all large, slow-moving, unarmed black teens observe heightened safety protocols. A special area has been roped off near the end of the parade route, close to the security station. To avoid confrontations with frightened police officers, always remain seated, preferably on your hands. Do not make any sudden movements, including waving, whistling, smiling, blinking or applauding parade floats and marching bands. Although we advise that you have absolutely nothing in your possession other than identification papers, make sure to have receipts for all items you choose to bring and that they are clearly displayed on the ground beside said items. Remember, by merely standing up you may present a perceived threat to police officers, even from hundreds of feet away.

Republicans Charge Businesses Closed on Thanksgiving with Treason

Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”

Rapper Could Face Lifetime in Prison for Lyrics, Congress Set to Prosecute President Under Same Law

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racially charged incidents over the past few years, seemingly on the rise, illustrate clearly that nothing is scarier to Americans than black people shopping, walking, talking or even thinking. The dark aftermaths of events in Ferguson, Mo., and Sanford, Fla., where unarmed teens Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin fell to hails of bullets fired by the fearful, continue to haunt our national conscience. The legal showdown now raging in a San Diego, Calif., court, involving rapper Tiny Doo (Brandon Duncan), marks a new iteration in this ongoing dilemma: how can worried Americans suppress the threat posed by people of color who insist on co-existing with the rest of the population? Although Duncan is not tied to the nine shootings at the heart of the trial, he could face life in prison for lyrics he penned about them. Seizing on this potential legal precedent, Congressional Republicans say they are preparing to launch similar charges against President Barack Obama, another terrifying and influential black man who keeps saying uncomfortable things.

Taking Congress, GOP Vows Economic Recovery by Reviving Industries in Asbestos, Lead and Sewing

“Voters want a more idyllic world, like the one in the 1950s. And we’re committed to dragging this country back 60 years so they can have it.” ~ F. Chester Greene, San Narciso Tea Party Chairman

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After Tuesday’s electoral sweep, the Republican Party took its place as America’s dominant political faction, controlling both chambers of Congress. The primary challenge confronting conservatives now is how to rectify the issues that led to rampant disillusionment among the nation’s voters. Remember, this is the first time since 2006 that the GOP has taken control of Congress, when they lost their majorities in the House and Senate during midterm elections that were marred by widespread discontentment over the failed policies of the Bush administration. Now, they have recaptured their claim on government through a similar sense of disaffection. Fixing the economy, Republicans believe, will lead to the restoration of the values and prosperity that fueled that nation’s past success. So their first order of business is to revive once thriving industries and they jobs they created, beginning with asbestos, lead and large-scale apparel manufacturing.

Have the Best Conservative Halloween Ever: San Narciso County Safety Tips

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween should be a spooky, thrilling and safe holiday event for children in San Narciso County. For that reason, the San Narciso Police Department is warning residents that continuing illicit Halloween traditions can be dangerous and may result in jail time. Some residents, as part of celebrating All Hallow’s Eve, have been engaging in dangerous behaviors that include “hogging,” hamster juggling (a no-tolerance offense) and the reprehensible creation of “jack-ov-lanterns” -- a sick practice started two years ago by Russian exchange students that involves bodily defiling pumpkins, which, in light of the Ebola scare, will be considered not only a biohazard but a flagrant act of terrorism. Following is a complete list of Do’s and Don’ts to ensure that you and yours have the best Halloween ever!

Tea Party Declares SoCal Haunted House the Scariest in America

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For a fourth consecutive year, the San Narciso County Chamber of Commerce will host the community’s annual Haunted House Spooktacular, which opens Friday at 6:00 p.m. in the Lake Inverarity Social Hall. In years past, the event has drawn more police and paramedics than Halloween thrill-seekers. The 2013 Spooktacular was shuttered after three short hours of operation. Problems arose when parents failed to exercise caution by bringing along children under the age of 12. The theme for last season’s ghastly tour was “Death Panel: American Nightmares,” a politically charged horror show that envisioned a chilling apocalypse of socialism and forced euthanasia unleashed by a mysterious Kenyan serving as a U.S. president. Undaunted, the Chamber of Commerce will push forward this week with a new attraction that the local Tea Party chapter has deemed the scariest, most prophetic nightmare any conservative who cherishes family values, Jesus, patriotism and legal citizenship status will experience this All Hallow’s Eve.

RNC Leaks Documents Sent to Press about True Nature of Ebola Threat: Scary, Will Kill Your Children

“The Republican Party is fighting for a freer and stronger America where everyone has the opportunity to achieve the American Dream without dying from Ebola” ~ Reince Priebus

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The United States has only been in the throes of this domestic Ebola scare for a couple of weeks, but media sources reveal that the coverage has already topped the relentless reporting of past doomsday-worthy scenarios such as the Boston Marathon bombing or the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. Some media watchdogs claim that over 7,000 references to the dangers of Ebola have made their way on air this week alone. Yet liberal organizations have derided such journalists as Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and every Fox News pundit for failing to properly educate citizens about the real nature of the threat. “The result is a frightening level of misinformation about Ebola and a deep lack of understanding of the virus by most Americans,” Media Matters for America wrote Friday. And that’s why RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has leaked information sent to press outlets by the GOP, which seeks to correct misleading reporting by doctors, health officials, liberal politicians and leftist media.

Study Says Child Drowns in Pool Every Five Days, Cursed Child’s Parents Completely Freaked Out

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Halloween is almost upon us, but here in Southern California the high temperatures still remind one of summer. Families across San Narciso County, over 90 percent of whom own pools, continue to refresh themselves with a cool swim while awaiting the first autumn chills to arrive. But child safety experts want to remind parents of the dangers associated with pools, particularly now that the surreal season of spooks and hauntings is upon us. According to a creepy study published by the Center for Injury Prevention at San Narciso Children’s Hospital, a child dies in a portable pool every five days. And while the study’s authors say the statistic demonstrates the need for consumer education and affordable protection devices, the child’s distressed parents are demanding an explanation from scientists as to how their son, Russ, continues to drown once a week and then somehow resurrect.

Liberals and Tea Partiers Protest Columbus Day Celebration: Too Racist and Not Racist Enough

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Yesterday, many U.S. citizens observed the arrival of Christopher Columbus to American shores, a voyage that concluded on October 12, 1492. The holiday has been celebrated unofficially since the late 18th century, and officially in various areas since the early 20th century. In San Narciso County, the annual Columbus Day reenactment ceremonies have bolstered the local economy with an influx of Southern Californians who gather at the Battersea Field in Kinneret to enjoy a variety of beverages, delicacies and the Integration of the Indigenous Peoples commemoration. This year, however, Mayor Manny DiPresso has increased security after receiving word that a group of demonstrators -- primarily historians from the college -- plans to protest the ceremony.

Al-Assad Cheers U.S. Airstrikes for Helping Him Kill More Syrian Civilians

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, the ironic international interlocutor for territorial sovereignty, condemned U.S.-led airstrikes on Syria this week, excoriating the West’s aggressive actions as lacking “authority without buy-in from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad,” a point Moscow emphasized to the United Nations Secretary-General. Perhaps unbeknownst to Putin, his friend al-Assad, who has decimated thousands of his own people since the 2011 rebel uprisings in his country, is not only buying into the bombings, he’s giddily cheering on American military forces for their assistance in wiping out even larger numbers of the Syrian civilians he detests.

Talk Like a Pirate Day Stunt Draws SWAT Team When Enthusiasts Invade Krispy Kreme Dressed as Somali Raiders

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- September 19 celebrates the swashbuckling spirit of high-seas adventures each year as International Talk Like a Pirate Day. For millions of scoundrels and fo’c’sle swabs, that means donning eyepatches, 17th century frock coats, ornate tricorn hats, plastic hooks and cutlasses, and pledging allegiance to the skull and crossbones of a Jolly Roger. Several businesses partake of the festivities, too. This Friday, the popular doughnut chain Krispy Kreme is offering a free glazed treat to any landlubber willing to order in the parlance of Blackbeard or Long John Silver. For truly scurvy wenches, scallywags and blackguards who arrive adorned in full pirate garb, Krispy Kreme surrenders a bounty of a dozen doughnuts. However, panic erupted near San Narciso’s waterfront district this morning when hardcore enthusiasts raided the usually low-key bakery and coffeehouse dressed as armed Somali pirates.

GOP Requests Drone Strikes to Suppress Scottish Rebels

GOP Lawmakers Worry Scottish Vote May Spark Renaissance of American Independence

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The GOP united Thursday in urging the White House to consider drone strikes against Scotland to suppress the Celtic rebellion brewing there. Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) compared the threat of free Scots to the insidious origins of the Islamic State jihadist group ISIL (aka ISIS), which he and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) unwittingly helped spawn. Graham now fears a closer menace as the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP), a separatist faction of rebels in the United Kingdom, pushes for independence -- a move that could turn them against the American resources who once enlisted their aid to fight British aggressors. But his colleagues in Congress worry about a more insidious threat: that the Scottish vote to secede from foreign money, resources and power could spark a renaissance of American independence from similar controls -- such as the foreign financing and corporations that own much of the U.S. Congress.

State-Sponsored Jihadist Group ISIS Threatens US, GOP Demands Funding Domestic Terrorists Like KKK to Fight Them

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday afternoon, following a contentious televised altercation with a former Obama appointee, Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) ridiculed as insufficient the president’s plan to continue supporting the Free Syrian Army (FSA) -- a moderate terror group that, like the United States, opposes al Qaeda’s al-Nusra Front, the regime of Syria’s Bashar Assad and ISIS. McCain accused President Obama of rejecting recommendations from national security advisers to further arm and train the FSA. “The commander-in-chief needs to start behaving like one; he needs to get his head in the game,” McCain told reporters Friday. “This is foreign policy 101. You arm one terror group to eliminate another. And when those guys turn on you, you arm a new extremist sect to put down that rebellion.” Because ISIS is now threatening Western targets, McCain is seeking support for a bold move to arm American domestic terrorists such as the Ku Klux Klan, Symbionese Liberation Army and Aryan Nations to take up the fight.

NRA Report: If Armed, Gun Instructor Could Have Stopped 9-Year-Old with Uzi From Killing Him

"Had the firing range instructor been armed, he could easily have put down the girl before she had the opportunity to harm him or others nearby." -- NRA VP Wayne LaPierre

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following nearly a week of exhaustive research into the accidental shooting death of an Arizona firing-range instructor by a nine-year-old girl armed with an Uzi, investigators with the public safety wing of the National Rifle Association (NRA) have reached a new conclusion on the cause of gun-related killings. “Guns don’t kill people,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre stated. “Not having guns kills people.” On Thursday, the NRA presented a detailed report about the incident, drawing the conclusion that the instructor could have prevented his demise if he had also been carrying a gun.

New Research: Minority Suspects Can’t Hear Police Orders Over Gunshots and Baton Blows

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- When historians look back on the rise of the millennial generation, they may define the hallmark of the era as an environment of strife -- social unrest, divisive politics, crumbling race relations after decades of past progress, economic ruin and unprecedented levels of gun-related violence. Of particular concern is the perception that the country’s peace officers have become militarized, reactionary, too quick to act and belligerent, especially around minority suspects. A sweeping study of law enforcement practices released Wednesday sheds new light on the problem: minority suspects may not be resisting police, they just can’t hear the officers’ orders over the barrage of gunshots or baton blows.

Ferguson Aftermath: NRA Adds Cigars to Deadly Sundries List, Issues Safety Tips for Unarmed Black Youths

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The August 9 fatal shooting of unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown in Ferguson, Mo., has revived the national debate on how to deal with African American youth who brandish convenience store items defiantly before authority figures -- Caucasian males with permits to carry firearms. The killing of Brown by police officer Darren Wilson has fueled protests, riots and a renewed focus on the ongoing crisis of race relations in the United States. Because there are at least seven known black households within San Narciso County, the mayor’s office has collaborated with local police and the National Rifle Association (NRA) to issue a list of threatening behaviors and potentially dangerous convenience store purchases to avoid for all unarmed, dark-skinned teenagers. “We strongly urge those in the target demographic to study these tips closely in order to safeguard their well-being during this heightened state of alert,” advised Mayor Manny DiPresso.

Aspiring Comic Book Artist Found Mauled to Death by Cougar

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just three weeks ago, a long-time comic book fan and pulp fiction aficionado from San Narciso County received the job offer of his dreams -- assistant penciller for an imprint of DC Comics. He was packed and ready to take the train south to San Diego, Calif., for the annual Comic-Con convention, which showcases the best in comics, graphic novels, superheroes and pop culture. While there, he would have met with publishing executives for an opportunity to pitch his self-created series, “Coit Manhandler: Cougar Master.” But in turns tragic and ironic, the young man’s parents found their son dead early Wednesday morning, the apparent victim of a cougar attack. The mutilated corpse was discovered beside a pile of first edition Hulk comics, wearing a blood-spattered Superman cape and Star Wars Stormtrooper helmet. Investigators said he died as he lived -- a consummate virgin.

Fresh Milf? Dairy Apologizes for Misleading Typo on New Logos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Except for the lactose intolerant, gluten-fearing residents of Santa Calcentines, nearly every household in San Narciso County has its dairy products delivered by Delta Ann’s Dairy Air, which retains the 1950s-era charm of old fashioned trucks, glass bottles and pre-dawn door-to-door services. The heritage of the “milkman” is something the dairy honors and proudly promotes. But the public relations team for Delta Ann’s Dairy Air faced an unexpected backlash of community outrage this Thursday for which it has spent more time milking forgiveness than cows. The issue stems from a typographical error that appeared on the logo of 20 trucks in the new fleet and on the company’s website. Got Milf? That’s what thousands of customers were wondering this morning, as a result.

Historic Seconds: Brazil Loses World Cup at Home Again and Germans Hide in South America for Safety

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the second time in the nation’s soccer-obsessed history, Brazil saw its hopes of winning a World Cup on home soil dashed. After waiting 64 years and spending nearly $11 billion to host the tournament, Brazil’s forces proved no match for the powerful German blitz. Before 30 minutes had elapsed, invading German troops had launched five successful offensives against Brazil, eventually trampling the host country by a score of seven to one. Sources reported that some Brazilians managed to escape the occupation in tears around halftime, before the Germans razed the area in what was trumpeted as “the final solution to the FIFA problem.”

Foreign Tourists Mistake LA Gang War for Fourth of July Celebration

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Towns all across America lit up with fireworks displays Friday to pay homage to the nation's birth on July 4, 1776, when the Declaration of Independence was signed. But whenever pyrotechnics are involved, accidents are never far behind. Injuries and property damage from poorly staged events regularly make the news each year. That's why the strangest Fourth of July story involves a group of foreign tourists who accidentally ended up in the middle of a gang war in Los Angeles, but found the standoff stimulating, historically educational and absent any injuries or chaos.

Tea Party Removes Unpatriotic 'Fourth of July' Phrase from Independence Day Celebrations

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- F. Chester Greene, area businessman and new chairman of the county’s Tea Party chapter, has joined forces with Mayor Manny DiPresso to organize what local officials have deemed the one "truly American commemoration of Independence Day since the signing of the Declaration." During the American Revolution, the Thirteen Colonies threw off the yoke of England after the Second Continental Congress voted to legally secede from Great Britain on July 2, 1776. Two days later, when Congress approved the separation, all upper middle-class, white, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant male Americans were finally emancipated from decades of oppression. But since that time, Greene laments, America has lost her way. Sipping afternoon tea in his Bennington Vale office, and looking dapper in Burberry and Ben Sherman, Greene held nothing back in criticizing Americans for embracing old foes and abandoning the principles that helped found the world's greatest nation.

Facebook’s New Bummer Buster Project Edits Negativity Out of User Posts: No More Suicidal Rants or Murder Threats

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Researchers from Cornell University in California admitted Monday to performing a series of dubiously ethical experiments in 2012 by manipulating the content in random Facebook users’ news feeds to gauge emotional reactions. Creepier still, Facebook suggested that such experimentation is routine, which explains how the project slipped past the eyes of ethics committees. Facebook attempted to defend its actions, stating that its overly vague data use policy allows it do whatever the heck it wants as part of “internal operations, including troubleshooting, data analysis, testing, research and service improvement.” In a follow up announcement, Facebook also revealed that tests after 2012 have involved directly editing the content in users’ posts to make them “more positive. We see suicidal rants all the time; putting a happy spin on them makes others more likely to post, and increases traffic.”

Frustrated Fan Pays $2 Million for “Like a Rolling Stone” Lyrics to Figure Out What Dylan is Actually Saying

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bob Dylan’s handwritten lyrics to “Like a Rolling Stone” fetched a record-breaking $2 million at a Sotheby’s auction in New York this Tuesday. The purchase price easily topped the previous record of $1.2 million, which a buyer in 2010 paid to procure John Lennon’s personally penned manuscript for “A Day in the Life.” According to the auction house, an anonymous fan placed Dylan’s lyrics up for sale, saying he bought the document from the legendary folk artist directly. The identity of the winning bidder was not disclosed, but the man told Sotheby’s he was willing to “pay any amount to end decades of torture trying to figure out what the hell Dylan is mumbling about.”

Obama’s Insidious Marine Sanctuary to Destroy Fishing, Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Industries

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Obama once again abused his executive privileges Tuesday by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to close off parts of the ocean, pushing the United States one step closer toward economic ruin and communism. The president’s plan would create marine sanctuaries to protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises. The announcement, opponents say, demonstrates further evidence of Obama’s willingness to exercise his dubious executive powers to take over the world, kill thriving industries and destroy free markets.

Low-Tech Device Maker Timex Challenges Google and Apple with “Smartest Watch”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Not long ago, software developers, hardware manufacturers and Internet pioneers began a battle of supremacy for “smart devices,” portable mini-computers designed to enhance and streamline the lifestyles of consumers. Now, these same technology leaders are duking it out over new lines of products that shrink the same core features into wearable accessories. Google launched Glass, a virtual-reality device that resembles eyeglasses and makes the functionality of an Android smartphone accessible through a display built into clear lenses. Samsung countered with a smartwatch. Now Google and Apple have announced plans to distribute their own unique smartwatches. But an unexpected challenger entered the technological fray Monday in the form of a struggling, low-tech Dutch company called Timex, which promises consumers “the smartest watch on the market,” in both digital and analog formats.

Virginia Voters Say Cantor Just Didn’t Have the Hate, Fundamentalism or Xenophobia He Campaigned On

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Key Republican leaders are still reeling from the shock of Rep. Eric Cantor’s (R-Va.) crushing defeat Tuesday by political neophyte Dave Brat, a darkhorse Tea Party candidate. A day later, political analysts and GOP strategists continue to scratch their heads as they work to deduce how an unknown, inexperienced academic handily dethroned the man who would have become successor to House Speaker John Boehner. In a related story, Boehner wept openly at the news of Cantor’s loss when reporters cornered him at Trattoria Alberto, his favorite Capitol Hill eatery. He also sniveled when he discussed his deep affection for the restaurant, breaking the record for the most tears shed by a politician -- an honor formerly held by Ed Muskie.

Abducted 11-Year-Old Boy Freed by Kidnappers After Two Minutes of Singing Justin Bieber Song

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In April, the inspirational story emerged of an abducted 10-year-old boy who secured his freedom by singing a gospel hymn to his captor for three hours. They boy’s account went viral across social media and communities of faith. Willie Myrick was kidnapped from the driveway of his Atlanta home but dropped off hours later in another part of town after his abductor hurled expletive-laden demands for him to stop signing. Hezekiah Walker, the song’s composer, attended an event held in Willie’s honor where he received a standing ovation for his heroic, self-professed role in shepherding the child to freedom. “I really believe that God spoke through me to save that young man's life,” he told attendees. But Walker’s songs may not be the most effective for thwarting kidnappings. On Thursday in California, Bryce Hessington, 11, was let go by his abductors after a record-breaking two minutes -- for singing Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”

George R.R. Martin Criticizes Spanish Abdication, Sends Parliament Treatment of How It Should Have Happened

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After serving nearly 40 years as Spain’s monarch, King Juan Carlos announced his abdication of the throne on Monday. Crown Prince Felipe, his son, will ascend to rule in his place. Early in the king’s reign, he proved instrumental in paving the way for Spanish democracy after the oppressive dictatorship of Francisco Franco. Carlos remained a popular figure throughout most of his rule, but many Spaniards have admitted losing confidence in him over recent years, preferring his son instead. The king’s decision to step down was praised by the majority of the country. Across the Atlantic, however, the announcement was received less favorably. “A Song of Ice and Fire” author George R.R. Martin publicly lampooned the political maneuver as a “wasted opportunity” and an unrealistic “representation of how the game of thrones is played. No bloodshed, no treason, no assassinations and not even a hint of incest. What are we teaching today’s kids?”

Neurologists Deem Donald Sterling Mentally Incapacitated...For Spending Billions on Awful Team

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Donald Sterling saga reached another fascinating milestone on Friday when two neurologists told CNN they had deemed the disgraced 80-year-old Clippers owner mentally incapacitated. The NBA unleashed its harshest punishment against Sterling in April, issuing a lifetime ban and a $2.5 million fine. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mistress, which she took public. Sterling is now suing the NBA for $1 billion. Some news agencies reported that the neurologists attributed Sterling’s bigoted comments to his mental impairment, but the doctors confirmed Monday that their assessments were based on Sterling’s squandering of billions for one of the NBA’s worst teams.

Tea Party Group Attacks Memorial Day as Unpatriotic Mockery of Reagan’s Memory, Or Lack Thereof

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- In a startling political maneuver Monday, the San Narciso County chapter of the Tea Party -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- filed a motion with officials to ban all future Memorial Day celebrations within county lines. Not until Tuesday did the group make public its reasoning behind the petition. Confusion over ARSWYPE’s motives overshadowed the remembrance ceremonies held at Lake Inverarity and Porpentine Mound Cemetery in Bennington Vale. But for all the theories offered, Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of ARSWYPE, finally clarified his group’s intent: “ARSWYPE considers Memorial Day the most offensive affront to conservative icon Ronald Reagan, and it must be abolished.”

TSA Hires Business Executives to Teach Agents How to Grope Without Serious Repercussions

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the infamous 2010 groping incident involving Southern California resident John Tyner and the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), travelers have debated whether to continue moving about the Land of the Free by plane. Several civil liberties organizations at that time urged fliers to forgo air transit on the busiest travel days. Parents continue to bemoan the invasive imaging systems that display likenesses of their children nude, as well as TSA screeners who freely grope young boys and girls in line as part of enhanced “pat down” policies. To help stem the ongoing criticism and improve operations affecting travelers, U.S. security officials announced the creation of six positions to be filled by corporate executives who will advise the TSA on more efficient methods for groping, harassing and otherwise violating the personal space of others, with minimal repercussions.

FCC Votes to End the 'Electric Communism' of Net Neutrality

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In a devastating ruling Friday for proponents of “net neutrality,” the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) approved a set of rules that pave the way for “paid priority fast lanes,” despite protests and national dissent. The proposal, spearheaded by FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler, passed by a three-to-two majority within the commission. Opponents of the measure described the decision as alarming “for anyone who treasures a free and open Internet.” Those who support the proposal, such as former Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas) -- once Ranking Member on the Senate Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee -- called the idea of equal access and open speech on the Internet an affront to civil liberties and free-market economies, coining the talking point “Electric Communism.”

As Numbers of Gay Couples Rise, GOP Task Force Investigates Possible Detonation of Air Force 'Gay Bomb'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following Tuesday’s decision by U.S. District Judge Candy Dale to overturn Idaho’s ban on same-sex marriages, the number of states legally recognizing the rights of LGBT people to wed jumps to 19, a figure that incorporates the District of Columbia. Conservative members of Congress and their constituents have expressed outrage at the federal government’s nonchalant dismissal of traditional values. They also worry about the rising number of homosexuals cropping up in society. “Why are their numbers growing so rapidly and steadily, where are they coming from and what is responsible for creating them?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas), who likened the gay plague sweeping across America to the Nazi conquest of Europe. Some believe homosexuals are aliens from another galaxy who arrived on Earth during the same cataclysmic event described in the cosmogony of Scientology. But a burgeoning faction of Congressional Republicans now suspect that someone, or something, may have detonated the U.S. Air Force’s infamous “gay bomb” within the last three years.

North Carolina Sociologist Suspects Clay Aiken Killed Rival Using Gay Alien Mind Powers

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, officials in North Carolina announced the death of Keith Crisco, 71, who was Clay Aiken’s Democratic rival for the state’s congressional primary. Crisco narrowly trailed Aiken, but his death, called a “freak accident” by authorities, brought an end to a hotly contested race. Aiken, of “American Idol” notoriety, is not only politically inexperienced -- this election marks his first bid for public office -- he’s also an openly gay celebrity seeking to represent a district dominated by socially conservative, evangelical Christians, some of whom now suspect foul play in Crisco’s demise. “There’s a lot we don’t know about the gays and their gay powers,” one resident said. “You gotta wonder how a guy trips and kills himself walking through his door. Stuff like that never happened before the gays came.”

Following Vote for Independence, U.S. Chides Ukraine for Misunderstanding Definition of Independence

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Since the outbreak of civil unrest in Ukraine, already tenuous relations between the United States and Russia have worsened. Russia deployed troops and undertook annexation proceedings in Crimea while the United States and its allies decried the aggressive overtures, calling instead for freedom. The violence and bloodshed have shown no signs of abating, with many fearing the inevitability of outright civil war. Most recently, during the May 9 holiday, another 20 unarmed protesters were gunned down in the streets. On Monday, however, Eastern Ukrainians turned out in droves to support independence and self-rule in a referendum. Curiously, the vote for freedom unleashed waves of outrage from the United States and the U.S.-backed government in Kiev. State Department officials explained that Ukrainians “clearly misunderstood our definition of freedom -- which was that they were free to join the EU, not become completely sovereign or merge with Russia.”

NSA Criticizes Russia’s Restrictive ‘Bloggers Law’ for Stifling Intelligence Gathering

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin inched closer to Soviet-era censorship by signing into law restrictive new controls for the country’s Internet. Political activists, Internet champions and free speech advocates attacked the decision, saying the government would be able to tighten the reins on any views it deemed dissenting. But Putin’s biggest criticism came from the United States. National Security Agency (NSA) officials called the law “immature, myopic and completely counterproductive to real intelligence gathering.”

Arizona Lawmakers Stun Nation with Massive Support for Cinco de Mayo Festivities

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Given the drastic legislation passed in recent years and the blatantly exclusionary rhetoric of Arizona lawmakers, the state’s wide embrace of Monday’s Cinco de Mayo festivities came as a surprise to many. In fact, most government agencies reported spending days preparing for parades, picnics, cultural exhibits and public displays of Mexican heritage. “With so many Mexicans infiltrating Arizona, especially around the Phoenix area, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that May 5 is a highly anticipated day of celebration,” Governor Jan Brewer said. “We couldn’t support this holiday enough. It’s a day for food, music, dancing, revelry and, coincidentally, our state’s new census. It’s a once-in-a-year opportunity to round everybody up and see just who’s who in our communities.”

Panic Erupts as Malaysian Airlines Offers to Send Flight 370 Relatives Home Aboard Its Planes

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Thursday, after releasing a long-awaited report and audio records of communications between air traffic controllers and flight crews, Malaysian Airlines announced that it would be closing the assistance centers it sponsored for the relatives of passengers lost with Flight 370. Family members wailed and shouted at the news in Beijing’s Lido Hotel, where they had been hosted. For hundreds of anguished people, closure of the centers means an end to daily briefings. But the scene devolved from despair to tortured chaos when the airline told relatives it would be flying them back home aboard its planes.

Donald Sterling Cops to Reverse Racism: 'The Team is Mostly Black, I Should Have Hired More Whites'

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver unleashed the association’s harshest punishment against Clippers owner Donald Sterling on Tuesday, issuing a lifetime ban and levying a $2.5 million fine, the maximum financial penalty permitted by the league. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mixed-race mistress, which she took public. On a recording released by TMZ, a man and woman -- presumably Sterling and his girlfriend V. Stiviano -- fought about Stiviano’s Instagram photos in which she frequently appeared posing with African Americans. Sterling on Wednesday maintained his defense, going so far as to declare himself the Thomas Jefferson of Basketball, but surprisingly admitted that he may unintentionally have been guilty of reverse racism. “If you look at the ethnic composition of the team, which is mostly colored, it’s clear to me now that I unfairly excluded whites from the sport.”

Malaysian Airlines Search Expanded to Cover Outer Space

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On March 8, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 went missing with 239 people aboard. Its disappearance from radar without any signs of trouble from the cockpit, combined with revelations about suspicious passengers and conflicting information disseminated by the Malaysian government, have fueled the mystery and countless conspiracy theories. Rescuers canvassed the plane’s likeliest resting places with coordinated aerial searches and the deployment of a Bluefin-21 underwater vehicle that scans the seabed with sonar equipment. But despite the massive and ongoing efforts, no one has yet to locate the gigantic 777 in a confined swath of ocean where black box pings were detected consistently. On Tuesday, frustrated crews announced a radical expansion of the hunt to cover outer space.

Celebrating Earth Day, Energy Producers Announce Drilling to Earth’s Core and Tapping Whale Oil as Renewable Source

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core and revitalizing the whaling industry.

Obnoxious Foodies Force Area’s Most Popular Imaginary Tea Party to Close

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the past seven years, Bailey Kortright, 11, has hosted one of the most popular and longstanding imaginary tea parties in Bennington Vale. Her afternoon teas, in their early days, were open to every interested child in the affluent suburb. But as demand for seatings grew, exceeding the capacity of Bailey’s bedroom and her meager make-believe staff, the events became more exclusive. The waiting period for a coveted invitation now stretches to the start of the 2014-2015 school year. After Wednesday’s news, however, the hopes of many on that list were dashed. Bailey shocked the community this morning when she announced the end of the weekly Kortright Chai Chanoyu. “I am really sad to tell you we’re closing the doors on the tea party forever. And that’s because a bunch of obnoxious food snobs with allergies to everything have made it impossible to stay in business.”

Facebook Offers Surprise Challenge to Google Glass with Oculus Rift Wearable Social Network

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For many Americans, April 15 is tax day, the annual deadline for filing state and federal returns. But this April 15, Google overshadowed the stress and dread associated with the date by hosting a one-day sales event for its wearable computer product Google Glass. Despite the steep price of $1,500 per unit, popular models sold out within hours of Tuesday’s launch. The thin virtual-reality device, which resembles eyeglasses, is designed to take the functionality of a smartphone and make it accessible through a display built into empty frames. But by late afternoon, rival developer Facebook announced the surprise sale of its competing virtual reality device Oculus Rift, which it acquired last month. “Google Glass is severely limited -- it projects a tiny version of a stripped down Android OS in one eye,” a Facebook representative said. “Oculus Rift is an immersive, 360-degree Facebook world that eliminates all the privacy concerns Glass has been catching flak for. But it does so much more.”

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