SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On March 13, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg phoned President Obama to voice his extreme displeasure over the U.S. government’s domestic spying programs, which were revealed to the public through leaks from former intelligence contractor Edward Snowden. “The President spoke last night with Mark Zuckerberg about recent reports in the press about alleged activities by the U.S. intelligence community,” a White House official said Friday. But by Monday, the 29-year-old tech billionaire showed no signs of being placated. Zuckerberg told reporters the NSA could monopolize all social media companies within days of launching its own network. He urged the Justice Department to file antitrust charges against the NSA for unfair competition.

Insiders said Zuckerberg’s threat to de-friend the president from his social network ultimately resulted in the return phone call. Losing influence on Facebook could have detrimental ripple effects -- mutual friends would see the president’s removal from Zuckerberg’s list. Such a blow could ruin Obama’s chances for any future service after his presidency. “It’s like being dishonorably discharged from military service,” one White House source admitted. “There’s no coming back from that kind of devastation on one’s reputation.”

“I’ve called President Obama to express my frustration over the damage the government is creating for all of our future. Unfortunately, it seems like it will take a very long time for true full reform,” Zuckerberg complained.

According to Zuckerberg, the damage could be catastrophic to all companies in the social media sector -- not just Facebook. He praised the efforts of his engineers who have worked tirelessly to pilfer personal information from millions of users and sell it to marketers for outrageous profits using all legal means available. But the NSA, he stated, had not demonstrated the same level of ethics.

Zuckerberg blasted the NSA for its disregard of personal privacy, something for which he claims a passion: “The last thing I want is information I’ve appropriated from Facebook users going to a competitor, especially one as shifty as the NSA.”

“My people have essentially perfected the Jedi Mind Trick. We carefully manipulate users into handing over every aspect of their personal lives, or we just bury our laughable privacy terms so deep in legalese no layperson could ever find it,” he said. “But the NSA, they just go in and take it. From anybody. Even on other networks like Google or Twitter or whatever. It’s not fair. We’ll be bankrupt in a week if the NSA is allowed to launch their own platform. And nobody can compete with that.”

Representatives for the NSA called Zuckerberg a “spoiled crybaby who’s being nudged from his lofty pedestal for the first time in his entitled life.” They pointed to thousands of congressional documents that grant the agency legal authority to conduct electronic surveillance on every American with a phone or computer.

“Facebook can whine all it wants, but we have the same legal protections in place for the American consumer, and our materials are freaking laws...a helluva lot more in-depth than some clunky EULA,” Director of National Intelligence James Clapper shot back.

“Soon, we'll be able to offer our own social network, rivaling Facebook and Twitter,” he added. “And users will never have to log on and update their statuses or post new pictures again -- our systems already have that information and can automate the entire process. Facebook is decades away from that kind of technology.”

Because the NSA is backed by tax dollars and the federal government, it also requires less reliance on advertising revenues than Facebook. But Clapper implied that with the unprecedented trove of personal data the NSA has already mined from billions of users, it could revolutionize the targeted marketing campaigns Google and Facebook still struggle to evolve.

“Look, we already know what you and your family are planning for dinner tonight, based on the emails and phone metadata we’ve received,” Clapper said. “Hell, we can have a bistro in Seattle whip it up and deliver it to your doorstep in Wisconsin with a drone. The money generated by our system could make taxes obsolete. Meanwhile, Mark’s wading through your ‘Likes’ hoping to make a connection that can net him another grubby handful of pennies.”

Clapper also blamed Zuckerberg’s “over-the-top” antics on a bruised ego.

“Here’s a guy, Mark Zuckerberg, who made a glorified chat service with a bunch of sloppy code he probably stole from MySpace,” he mused. “And as Facebook grew, so did his head. And I believe what’s really gnawing at his buns is that a bunch of lowly, underpaid government workers -- we’re talking on par with the folks you see behind the counter at the DMV -- found a way to hack codes and crack algorithms his brightest, most expensive minds couldn’t come close to breaking. Pathetic.”

When asked what he envisions Zuckerberg’s next move to be, Clapper responded: “Well, let’s see. I’m reading his emails now. Looks like he’s about to walk his dog, have an intern edit another rant about us for publication tomorrow, and then he’s off to a new Starbucks. Apparently, he’s afraid of getting beaten up by rollerbladers again in the park near his usual Starbucks. He mentions that they laugh at his pale feet and silly sandals, and that he weeps a lot for no reason.”

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. See disclaimers.