SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Key Republican leaders are still reeling from the shock of Rep. Eric Cantor’s (R-Va.) crushing defeat Tuesday by political neophyte Dave Brat, a darkhorse Tea Party candidate. A day later, political analysts and GOP strategists continue to scratch their heads as they work to deduce how an unknown, inexperienced academic handily dethroned the man who would have become successor to House Speaker John Boehner. In a related story, Boehner wept openly at the news of Cantor’s loss when reporters cornered him at Trattoria Alberto, his favorite Capitol Hill eatery. He also sniveled when he discussed his deep affection for the restaurant, breaking the record for the most tears shed by a politician -- an honor formerly held by Ed Muskie.

But while pundits propose reasons to explain Brat’s trampling of Cantor, Virginia voters say their former representative simply wasn’t the conservative he pretended to be.

“Cantor just didn’t have the hate, religious bigotry, intolerance for the poor, disgust of gays and fear of immigrants he campaigned on,” explained Bartholomew “Buck” Culpepper, a backer of Brat’s candidacy. “Too much of that melting pot crap and not enough American values. The Statue of Liberty is a French abomination, which is why we stuck it out in the middle of the ocean. Old Glory, on the other hand, and all the uptight White Anglo-Saxon Protestant ideals it represents, is the real America.”

According to Culpepper’s reading of polling results in the Old Dominion, the following “big three” issues illustrate Cantor’s shortcomings, which paved the way to his inevitable downfall.

Too Invested in Government, Law and the American Political System

Cantor is considered a politically savvy, intelligent and ambitious operator. He frequently changes his position to support the issues he views as most likely to be embraced. As a climber of ladders, he also spends a great deal of time bolstering agendas considered important to the Republican Party.

Culpepper said Brat believes that real conservatives don’t support any government regulations. As a devout Ayn Rand proselyte, Brat sees true conservatism in the light of rational self-interest: people should be allowed to do whatever they want. Anarchy is, therefore, the most genuine form of American governance.

For example, Culpepper revealed, not only does Brat advocate repealing Obamacare, he espouses the abolition of all employer-sponsored benefits. In fact, employers should have no legal responsibilities or regulatory consequences apropos of their employees.

“Brat understands that workers are lucky to have jobs, and that’s where employer responsibilities end,” Culpepper said. “Discrimination, harassment, unfair pay practices, unlimited work hours, discretionary restroom breaks, no meal periods, no vacation time, no obligation to uphold FLSA and FMLA requirements -- these are the freedoms a truly open market accords. And the workers are likewise free to discontinue their employment.”

Culpepper assured conservatives that Brat would also remove legal restrictions against gun ownership for any living human, regardless of age or criminal background or mental stability, along with laws prohibiting rape, murder, slavery, acts of hate or other expressions of human desire.

Too Free of Fears

In his public speeches and events, Cantor opposed all forms of immigration amnesty, but he changed his opinion in the eleventh hour of a key vote.

“A vote for Eric Cantor is a vote for amnesty,” Brat told conservative radio personality Laura Ingraham. “If your neighbor votes for Eric Cantor, they’re voting for amnesty, and they know it. Once you announced that kids are welcome, they’re going to head in.”

“To Brat, even Arizona’s drastic anti-immigration laws are too lenient,” Culpepper noted. “Regardless of the ‘tough’ measures Gov. Brewer thinks she’s imposed, there are still brown people walking around the neighborhoods of Phoenix, Flagstaff and everywhere else in the state. If they’re not functioning in the productive role of forced labor, they need to be rounded up and disposed of.”

Culpepper promised that Brat would apply the same standards to gays because they represent an “alien element” in a “spiritually and psychologically healthy Western society with strict Old Testament Christian values.”

Too Religiously Liberal

“Right off the bat, Cantor is Jewish,” Culpepper said. “He doesn’t accept Christ as his savior. His people killed Christ. How did he get elected in the first place? Dave Brat is the staunchest ally of God; he even discounts most mainstream Christian politicians.”

Dave Brat belongs to the extremely conservative sect of Calvinism, which teaches that people are utterly depraved, or fatally lacking in ethics. Redemption, Calvinists believe, exists solely at the Lord’s whim. The religion also holds that God chose a predetermined number of people to be saved. Everybody else is damned. And only the Almighty knows the names of those fortunate souls. No amount of good works, devotion, faith or virtue can alter a person’s status. Only God can choose to have mercy on them, and there exist no guidelines for how those decisions could be made or how His divine grace is bestowed.

“Now that’s a conservative religion,” Culpepper added. “None of this wishy-washy hope, forgiveness and tolerance stuff. Nothing so absurd and blasphemous as believing the citizens of this nation are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

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