"Had the firing range instructor been armed, he could easily have put down the girl before she had the opportunity to harm him or others nearby." -- NRA VP Wayne LaPierre

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following nearly a week of exhaustive research into the accidental shooting death of an Arizona firing-range instructor by a nine-year-old girl armed with an Uzi, investigators with the public safety wing of the National Rifle Association (NRA) have reached a new conclusion on the cause of gun-related killings. “Guns don’t kill people,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre stated. “Not having guns kills people.” On Thursday, the NRA presented a detailed report about the incident, drawing the conclusion that the instructor could have prevented his demise if he had also been carrying a gun.

The fatal event took place Monday morning at a shooting range that caters to gun enthusiasts who are interested in playing with high-powered, military-grade weapons. The instructor died when a bullet struck his head, fired by a young girl armed with an Israeli-made 9mm submachine gun. Witnesses said the weapon jumped from the youngster’s hand as she pulled the trigger, likely due to the Uzi’s strong and unexpected recoil.

Liberal activists, gun prevention advocates and other leftist fringe groups bent on stripping Americans of their constitutional rights to carry automatic weapons into coffee houses and supermarkets sought to place blame in a variety of places: the range for allowing minors to shoot military weapons, the instructor for standing in the wrong position, the amount of bullets loaded into the clip and even the gun itself. LaPierre called those excuses “poppycock.”

“Next thing you know, these socialist America-haters will start blaming Israel for making the Uzi,” he snapped. “It’s perfectly reasonable -- and we believe mandatory -- that children be allowed to carry high-capacity automatic weapons. Hell, we had under-aged teens serving in many of our great wars. In Israel, where the Uzi was developed, it’s imperative that toddlers be armed. How else can they and Hamas rid themselves of the scourge of Palestinian squatters who refuse to relinquish their rightful land? Can you imagine where the United States would be today if the Indians had put up more of a fight? It wouldn’t be a values-oriented Christian nation, I can tell you that.”

Acknowledging that the prepubescent shooter in Monday’s tragedy was undoubtedly traumatized, LaPierre wasn’t prepared to exonerate her.

“The NRA completely agrees with the girl’s parents that children need to be trained in the usage of firearms. History over the past two years bears this out,” LaPierre said, citing the example of a mentally ill Connecticut woman, Debra Denison, who killed her grandchildren.

The entire family involved in that case knew of Denison’s mental health issues, but gave her permission to pick up the boys from daycare. Even more bizarre, state police said they had evidence indicating that Denison was carrying a handgun when she retrieved the children. And yet, this mentally disturbed woman procured a firearm and managed to gather her grandchildren from a secure environment, drive them out of town alone and kill them -- unimpeded at every step.

“If these toddlers had been allowed to carry pistols with them on their outing with Grandma, they would’ve been eating cupcakes and opening birthday presents later that same evening,” LaPierre observed. “Maybe attending the funeral of an evil old woman the next day.”

And although the NRA remains adamant in its position that children should be required to carry guns with them, LaPierre questions the innocence of the nine-year-old shooter.

“What do we really know about her?” he asked. “We know that she had received instruction on the proper usage of the weapon from a qualified and licensed teacher, who helped her throughout the incident. So little miss spray-and-slay should have known how to brace herself for the kick. That’s suspicious to me.”

LaPierre also raised concerns over the girl’s citizenship after learning today that she had spent most of her youth in Australia. He plans to expand the NRA investigation to examine why a foreign national was allowed to use a gun on American soil. The Second Amendment, LaPierre noted, is a purely American protection. It doesn’t extend to aliens with “questionable political motives, especially considering that the prime minister in charge of Australia during this girl’s upbringing was an open atheist.”

“Frankly, I’d be more comfortable giving a loaded gun to an ex-con,” he added. “That person already did his time. He paid the price for his crimes, and isn’t likely to ever do anything wrong again. His crimes were committed prior to him becoming a criminal. So, logically, the people we need to be scrutinizing are those without blemishes on their records. And of course all foreigners or homosexuals or people of faiths not identified as Judeo-Christian -- such as Australians, who worship tribal pagan deities and live in the world’s largest penal colony, which also implies homosexual acts.”

As for where the fault lies, LaPierre and the NRA concluded that the instructor ultimately bears the responsibility for his own death.

“This has never been an issue about guns,” LaPierre said. “It’s an issue about who’s not carrying guns -- in this case, the actual gun instructor. It’s a very ironic tragedy. And one that could have been prevented.”

Had the firing range instructor been armed, LaPierre asserts, he could easily have put down the girl before she had the opportunity to harm him or others nearby.

“We’re not advocating a kill shot here,” LaPierre clarified, “that would be extreme. But a skilled weapons expert such as this instructor, if equipped with a gun, should’ve had no problem delivering a clean, non-lethal wound -- the girl’s trigger hand, her arm, her kneecaps, her shoulders, lots of places. The horrifying murder that went down this week would never have happened if the victim had been armed. It’s a story as old as the Earth itself, about six millennia or so. You’d think in all that time, we’d learn. Maybe in another six thousand years, we’ll figure it out. Until then, when we welcome a world where every man, woman and child is packing heat, we can only expect more unfortunate accidents.”

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