Benedict Arnolds of Business

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving in the United States is a holiday that requires little explanation. It’s the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling daily grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have...or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the boring feasts and overdressed family gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the dungeon-like confines of grandma’s house. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same sale item. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in accusing those retailers who refused to open today of treason.”

The Republican-backed U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the nation’s foremost conservative business lobby, praised those Americans who camped out for Thanksgiving retail events instead of stuffing their faces with turkey or watching sports on television.

“These are patriots who embody the true spirit of the holiday by strengthening the economy, which assures the endurance of America’s might,” Geldhaben said. “You look at places like Target and Walmart, and you see concerned business people who are sacrificing themselves to save the country from ruin. Then you look at snooty retailers like Nordstrom, Sur La Table and Costco, and you know these are traitorous monsters who want to see America -- and American workers -- fail. They are the Benedict Arnolds of Business.”

Those organizations are already being entered into the Chamber of Commerce’s forthcoming list of worst companies in the United States -- businesses that consistently shun the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies must demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights.

This Thursday, just hours after the biggest shopping day of the season kicked off, the Chamber upped the ante by accusing several of America’s large chains of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday, essentially shirking their obligations to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation. Many Republican lawmakers, now in control of both chambers of Congress, left their own Thanksgiving celebrations to focus on bringing these miscreant corporations to justice.

“We’ve got more than a few big name companies with equally big chips on their shoulders,” explained Geldhaben. “The role of business is to keep growing, to keep making money, by any legal means necessary. Places that kept the doors closed this evening should be branded in effigy; they’re monuments to shame and anti-American values. Worse yet, they denied their employees the opportunity to gain extra money by refusing to force them to work the holiday-- money that could have gone to Christmas shopping. Stores patriotic enough to operate on Thanksgiving opened after dinner so their employees had the benefit of traditional celebrations with loved ones, followed by a fat double-time check for performing the vital service that defines their lives.”

Geldhaben further praised House and Senate Republicans who took up the case during the holiday, when they should have been enjoying a long-deserved recess.

“If our nation’s legislators are willing to drop everything and do their jobs after Thanksgiving dinner, why can’t some of these fat-cat corporate leaders -- people who’ve profited off the backs of the American consumer?” Geldhaben asked. “It’s a real tragedy. I always find it strange that these same businesses end up on Fortune’s ‘Best Companies to Work For’ list.”

Traditionally, many stores offer once-a-year deals to shoppers on Black Friday. But in recent years, companies have pushed their hours into Thanksgiving Day. Major retailers like Walmart, Target, Best Buy, Toys R Us and Kmart open as early as 5:00 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day.

“These heroes, lauded and recognized by the Chamber, deserve our praise and respect,” Geldhaben stressed. “But commie traitors such as Costco, Home Depot, TJ Max, Marshalls, Ross, Nordstrom and some hick outfit called Dillard’s should be tried for treason and shot on the White House lawn.”

The stores cited by Geldhaben refused to open on Thanksgiving, denying employees the right to increase their earnings while robbing consumers of unprecedented annual discounts.

“It’s not simply a crime against the U.S. economy, it’s a crime against humanity, which is still struggling to recover in the wake of disastrous policies like Obamacare,” Geldhaben added. “However people give thanks -- feasting, watching sports or celebrating exceptionalism and revisionist history -- we can’t truly express gratitude for our prosperity, freedom and well-being without panicked, violent acts of desperate consumerism.”

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