SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, as anticipated, Senate Select Committee on Intelligence Chairwoman Dianne Feinstein presented the long-awaited executive summary of the panel’s report on the U.S.-sanctioned torture of enemy combatants. Throughout the week, we’ll be covering key points unveiled in the summary. And today we’ll begin with the report’s overwhelming conclusion that no actionable or meaningful data was obtained as a result of torture. After Feinstein’s address, however, and despite a mountain of proof, former Vice President Cheney offered more examples to dispute the Committee’s assertions that “enhanced interrogation” techniques failed; but he also walked back his initial boasts amid revelations that the psychologists contracted as architects of the program were untrained: “It would’ve worked flawlessly if the CIA had used my proposed team of torture experts -- Eli Roth, Tom Six and Shia LaBeouf,” Cheney snarled.

The executive summary, which consolidates the findings contained in more than 6,700 pages of the full but classified study, represents the culmination of a monumental undertaking that began in 2009 when the Committee decided to investigate CIA activities during detainee interrogations. The intelligence agency’s destruction of videotaped evidence prompted the report.

The Senate’s hope in exposing the CIA’s coercive and often gruesome enhanced interrogation techniques is to prevent future occurrences of these abominable practices.

Cheney, one of the nation’s highest-ranking proponents of torture, tirelessly peddled the claim that controversial procedures such as waterboarding “produced phenomenal results for us.”

Cheney stated that waterboarding Khaled Sheikh Mohammed “helped produce the intelligence that allowed us to get Osama bin Laden.” Mohammed was subjected to these simulated drownings over 183 times. Contradictory to Cheney’s claims, Mohammed provided no information that led to the successful raid against bin Laden in his compound.

The committee reviewed 20 of the CIA’s most recurring and acclaimed examples of purported successes with enhanced interrogation tactics. All of those examples were disproved.

Moreover, “the CIA never conducted a credible, comprehensive analysis of the effectiveness of its enhanced interrogation techniques, despite a recommendation by the CIA inspector general and similar requests by the national security advisor and the leadership of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.”

On Tuesday, though, Cheney and his team of physicians presented compelling data that demonstrated the irrefutable effectiveness of torture.

Cheney’s primary doctor told the press that “with every report of a horrific bodily evil visited upon guilty and innocent detainees alike -- including threats to dismember the prisoners’ children, sexually abuse their mothers in front of them and rectally feed them spicy hummus -- Mr. Cheney’s vital signs reached historically positive levels. His heart began pumping at healthy rates, his circulation surpassed that of a healthy human being, and he was able to conceive and sustain an erection without the aid of powerful pharmaceuticals or machinery. We hadn’t seen results this encouraging since he shot his friend in the face on a hunting trip.”

Cheney did admit that the psychologists hired to develop and operate the torture regimens had no experience as interrogators, specialized knowledge of al Qaeda, education in counter-terrorism, or any “relevant cultural or linguistic experience.”

“To be frank, the CIA hired a couple of moronic boobs to run this initiative, and that was out of my hands,” he explained. “I had already assembled a team of experts. People like Tom Six and Eli Roth. Have you seen ‘Hostel’ or ‘Human Centipede’? Great stuff, especially on date nights with the missus. These guys not only know how to f**k a fella up, they do with it a sort of gut-wrenching and vomitous panache that’s not lacking in creativity. These were precisely the atrocities we needed to commit -- not shoving liquefied falafels up a guy’s ass or distending his abdomen with Evian -- that just sounds like a hipster’s wet dream.”

Cheney also noted the foreign setting of Roth’s “Hostel” and the foreign background of Tom Six, which made them ideal designers of a torture protocol abroad.

“And if we still couldn’t get those towel-headed scum to talk, we had Shia LaBeouf,” Cheney added. “Five grueling hours of experiencing his #IAMSORRY exhibition would reduce even the most stalwart and war-hardened jihadist to tears. Now that’s what I’d call inhumane. If they weren’t willing to strap on an IED and become a suicide bomber before that, they certainly would’ve been after.”

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