SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) continues to take a lot of heat over the distressing revelations of its brutal “enhanced interrogation” program, which was implemented to extract information from suspected enemy combatants in the wake of the 9/11 terror attacks. But now, the same masterminds who devised the cruel punishments want to make amends. So on Friday, the torture czars behind the CIA initiative put their expertise to positive use by publishing a guide to help parents who are struggling with naughty children -- and just in time for Christmas!

“We know firsthand that Santa’s threats of leaving coal in stockings or nothing but underwear beneath the tree aren’t always enough,” said Dr. Joseph Gemelen, one of the book’s co-authors. “That’s why we want to help those frazzled moms and dads find more persuasive and effective methods for extracting useful behaviors from uncooperative kids. It’s our way of giving back to the American people we misled. We hope that through these efforts, we can regain the nation’s trust and understanding.”

Excerpts from the CIA’s “A Loving Parent's Guide to Enhanced Corrective Action for Naughty Children”

The following are selections from the CIA parenting manual, which will be available in eBook format next week. In the meantime, these valuable tips come personally recommended by the CIA. Parents can use them immediately to help put their unruly children back on Santa’s Nice List.

Sleep Correction: How long does it take to put your child to bed? For parents of misbehaving kids, an eight o’clock bedtime may turn into a ten o’clock bedtime. Your child’s attempts to stay up late are not early symptoms of insomnia or anticipation of a visit from Santa Claus; they are the manifestations of your precious angel’s utter lack of respect for you, your home, the boundaries you impose for his or her welfare, and all the things you do to nurture and protect your family. The best way to correct this behavior is not to battle the child’s protests or challenge phony requests for water. Appear to relent and even facilitate your child’s urges. So little Bobby or Sally craves sleep deprivation? Let ‘em have it. Soon enough, they’ll be putting themselves to bed. Maybe even before sundown.

Recommended strategies:

* Shackle subjects in a standing position for up to 54 hours, or until you notice extreme swelling in the lower legs.
* Switch the subject to a sitting position and extend the sleep deprivation to 78 hours.
* Return subject to standing position and extend the deprivation period to 102 hours.
* Allow the child four hours of sleep and repeat, if necessary.

Trip to Grandma’s House: Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house we go. But the journey is seldom that simple, peaceful or direct, is it? The constant fighting from the backseat, the interminable requests to stop and use the bathroom, and the unending whining about “Are we there yet?” can ruin any holiday trip. Transporting children from one destination to another can be a grueling and disorienting ordeal for any parent. Before you dash all hopes of a pleasant trip, follow these simple steps.

Recommended strategies:

* Shackle the subject’s hands and feet, and bind him fast to the seat. Place a hood over the subject’s head and make sure it’s secured in place with duct tape. We suggest running the tape over the length of the detainee’s head.
* Dress the subject in diapers to prevent the need for frequent lavatory stops.
* If necessary, position the detainee horizontally on the floorboards of the vehicle and strap him down like cargo.

Relieve Your Stress through Stress Positions: While most child psychologists caution against reliance on spankings as healthy forms of corrective action, we all know that timeouts and restrictions are even more worthless. A focused use of precise stress positions can solve the problem permanently, often with only a handful of attempts.

Recommended strategies:

* Blow cigar or cigarette smoke in the subject’s face. Vapor from e-cigarettes may be used instead, depending on your preferences or habits.
* Administer forced baths with stiff brushes. The water temperature is crucial to the process. Temperatures should either be below 50 degrees Fahrenheit or above 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
* Gently but authoritatively slap the detainee in the back of the head periodically. Please note that these beatings should be delivered at random intervals.
* Imply that a close friend or relative will be brought before the subject and sexually abused. Be prepared to follow through on the threat.
* Get creative. Feel free to improvise stress positions that may lead to cuts and bruises.

Rectal Feedings: Kids are notoriously picky eaters. Some don’t eat all. Others fill up on unhealthy snacks and lose their appetites around dinnertime. With the holidays approaching, sweets, treats and delicious baked goods will present greater temptations. Sure, we’d all like some figgy pudding, but vegetables and proteins are essential to your child’s wellbeing. If your bundle of joy refuses to eat, you can rectify this behavior easily, hygienically and without the need to force food down his or her throat.

Recommended strategies:

* Prepare the subject’s food and then mash it up in a food processor or blender.
* Place the pureed meal in an IV bag.
* Insert a rectal tube as far up the subject’s anus as possible.
* Open the IV tube wide. The flow will self-regulate, sloshing up the large intestines.
* Remember, there’s no need to squeeze the bag -- let gravity do the work for you!

Corrective Hydration: By far, the most efficient and productive technique we’ve seen has been waterboarding. Even better, this is something you can do at home with items you probably already own.

Simply strap the subject to a board or table and pour copious amounts of water into the detainee’s mouth and nose. Keep several containers of water nearby. The stream should be steady, constant, and liberal. Be generous with your pours; don’t skimp. However, you must exercise caution. Here are a couple of best practices that should be observed.

* Only use water, no other liquids.
* Place absorbent materials underneath the subject, as the water will spill and can damage household surfaces.
* Never perform the technique more than 183 times in a row, or the subject could suffer water intoxication, dangerous dilution of electrolytes and severe abdominal distention -- all of which can land you in a hospital, where your child’s health could be permanently compromised by Obamacare doctors.

Dietitians and nutritional experts regularly claim that kids don’t drink enough water, so this particular form of behavioral adjustment carries a substantial side benefit. In our experience, this operation has been a “go to” that never fails to generate results.

Torture Report Critics: Circumstances Behind Blackened Flesh Much Grayer

The details of the CIA’s actual interrogation tactics were published last week in the executive summary of the Senate Committee’s long-awaited report on U.S.-sanctioned torture. At 6,700 pages, it reads like a blood-splattered Thomas Pynchon novel based on script by Eli Roth. The harsh conditions and horrific techniques used to confine and break suspects were more excessive than the CIA had originally represented to policymakers.

Proponents of the program insist that useful data were collected as a result of the torture campaigns, although the massive Senate report found the opposite -- any actionable information had already been obtained by agents through standard, and more humane, intelligence gathering operations.

“We respectfully disagree with the Senate Committee’s findings, and with 6,700, there’s a lot that can be taken out of context,” Dr. Gemelen said. “Our parenting guide will demonstrate that. When parents utilize our strategies, they’ll see how just how efficient and necessary augmented interviewing techniques can be. And we hope they’ll also realize that any of the allegedly cruel practices were undertaken in the spirit of a great love and concern for all people of the world. The same love we know parents exhibit when committing atrocities for the benefit of their offspring’s behavior.”

Dick Cheney, the biggest champion of the torture policy, agreed: “The CIA parenting guide is exceptional and proves how benevolent these tactics are, in contrast with the falsehoods promoted by Congress. The Senate document may be written in black and white, but the issues themselves are certainly more nuanced. For instance, there’s rape and there’s legitimate rape. There’s domestic violence and then there are cases where a man must use physical encouragement to correct detrimental female behaviors -- like slapping a hysterical woman with the back of his ringed hand to restore her composure. Sometimes men beat women because they love them. Naturally, when you notice a woman with two black eyes, you might assume she didn’t listen the first time. But the circumstances behind that blackened flesh can be quite gray.”

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