SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to global economists, there could be less than 46 years of oil supplies left, even if demand were to remain flat. Barring existing constraints on supplies, the world would likely see a 110-percent jump in demand by 2050, equivalent to 190 million barrels a day. But without discovering major new reserves or alternative energy sources, experts anticipate the growing demands to remain unmet. Even diversifying to natural gas would fail to ease the pressure on oil because its supply is as geographically dense. So in celebration of Earth Day, industry leaders announced plans to step up aggressive drilling programs and seek viable sources of renewable energy. The new strategy calls for boring a giant hole right down to the Earth’s core to find dinosaurs and revitalizing the whaling industry.

A Whale of a Task: Clarifying “Clean, Renewable” Energy Sources on the Planet

Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, said that exploratory drilling remains the only reasonable hope for locating new fuel sources.

“My colleague, Stanley Kotex, expressed the gravity of the situation a few days ago in an interview with this publication. He said, and I’m quoting, ‘Oil and gas are not renewable resources; they will dry up one day, and we must be prepared. But wind and solar are equally non-renewable. Look at it logically. You can’t predict when the wind will blow, if it will at all, and scientists keep telling us the sun will burn out one day. The sun’s inevitable demise poses the greatest threat to ending all life on the planet.’ Stanley’s recommendation, which Yoyodyne fully supports, is to continue drilling and to usher in a renaissance of the U.S. whaling industry.”

Fallopian said that the Obama administration’s “hippie” stance on clean, renewable energy is absurd.

“Wind and solar are pipe dreams, not pipelines,” Fallopian continued. “I think we’ve established that. You know what’s clean? Pure-burning whale oil. But if we’re really serious about looking for renewable energy sources on the planet, we need to stay focused on the Earth, not on meteorological phenomena from beyond, like wind currents and highly radioactive UV rays. Which is exactly what we’re doing with the Brits right now.”

Oil and gas are not renewable resources, Fallopian and Kotex averred; they will dry up one day, and we must be prepared. But wind and solar are equally non-renewable. Kotex also stressed that the United States would do well to emulate the Japanese whaling industry.

“I know that PETA fanatics have their small opinions and limited world view,” Kotex opined, “but whaling is our heritage. Ever read Melville? We saved the whales in the 70s, and now they’re everywhere. Kill a couple of whales, heat a hundred homes. They’ll reproduce. Circle of life, people. Not to mention all that clean burning whale oil to power our stoves and cars and perfumeries. Let’s use those resources intelligently to revitalize a dead industry, which will create new jobs and drive exploration initiatives for one of the country’s most historically efficient and cleanest energy sources. Nothing will go to waste. After extracting the ambergris from the fish [sic], the carcases can be processed as a new culinary delicacy. So now we’re feeding people, too.”

New Hope in Mammoth Undertaking

In what can only be described as a mammoth undertaking, the fossil fuels divisions of Yoyodyne also revealed plans to team with the National Oceanography Centre in England and Montpellier University in France to tunnel through the Earth’s crust and into the mantle. To reach it would require drilling down from a position in the ocean, where the crust is much thinner. But even from that vantage, crews would need to penetrate five miles of solid rock.

“It’s going to be tough, I won’t kid you, but it’s vitally necessary to the preservation of our lifestyles,” said Fallopian. “There’s no oil left here. But there’s plenty at the center of the earth.”

Fallopian cited a nineteenth century survey in Iceland, chronicled by the French writer Jules Verne, in which European scientists learned of a volcanic tube leading to the Earth’s core. The expedition discovered caves filled with giant prehistoric mushrooms, natural lighting provided by electrically charged gas, and, most importantly, numerous species of dinosaurs that managed to survive extinction in the subterranean realm.

“This is our goal. Oil comes from dinosaurs. If we can find a way to the center of the Earth and slaughter these lizards, our scientists anticipate a limitless supply of oil for future generations. We will discover new food supplies, alternative lighting soucrces utilizing natural gases and an infinite reserve of petroleum. We won’t need to negotiate with Muslim terrorists and uppity Canadians any longer. We won’t need to trade with communist countries. And, we’ll occupy one of the most important pieces of real estate on the planet. We’re going to crack this baby wide open and start pumping black gold straight out of every hole we can dig in the Pacific.”

When asked about the potential geophysical dangers of such an undertaking -- ranging from catastrophic earthquakes and tsunamis to opening previously undiscovered volcanic chimneys all over the western coast of the United States -- Fallopian replied that the benefits would outweigh the risks.

“Everything’s a crap shoot,” he said. “You try to negotiate prices with OPEC, and you end up in a war. You set up water mills just to find yourself in a drought. You put up an oil rig off the Gulf and it explodes. If the plates shift a little, what’s the worst that could happen? California sees a few three- to seven-foot waves? A volcano erupts in Hawaii, where they’re used to such events? This endeavor creates jobs and money and cheap gas prices. Yes, I said it, cheap gas prices...like 1940’s rates. Do you want to continue flying your family to Disney World, driving your BMW and having Vaseline in the medicine cabinet? Or do you want to move to some hell hole like Hollister where you can drive your horse-drawn buggy around your beet farm all day?”

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