SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A high school in Crane, Texas, has found itself battling an epic chlamydia outbreak, according to health officials looking into a rash of recently reported problems. Currently, 300 students at Crane High have been diagnosed with the irritating but highly treatable condition. Members of the Texas educational system seemed confused by the Department of Health’s pronouncement, claiming that the presence of a sexually transmitted disease at the campus is virtually impossible, especially since Madonna has refused to play the senior prom for decades. The school does not offer sexual education -- Crane High instead relies on a faith-based abstinence-only program. “Our kids aren’t having sexual relations,” one administrator said. “It’s a sin, and they know it. The only explanation for this plague is that God has cursed us with the boils of Egypt.”

Representatives from the district, many of whom refuse to attribute the outbreak to an STD, believe the Lord has sent a blight to the school as a divine punishment. The reason, they claim, is that too few Texans showed up to participate in the intentionally offensive, anti-Islamic “Draw Muhammad” contest organized by Pamela Geller, president of the American Freedom Defense Initiative (AFDI) and Stop Islamization of America (SIOA), both registered as hate groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Geller’s event may trace its origins to 2010’s “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day,” which was intended as a symbolic movement to demonstrate support for freedom of artistic expression, and to protest the radical Islamic factions targeting satirists and animators such as slain cartoonist Kurt Westergaard and the creators of “South Park.”

The spectacle in Texas, on the other hand, was meant to exemplify the cruel might and majesty of Christ by taunting jihadists with blasphemous actions that, hopefully, would rile them to violence and set in motion the apocalypse, during which time the Christian God can destroy the heathens.

Farley Huntsacker, a PTA member, blamed the people of Texas, not the contest, for God’s displeasure.

“Poor attendance was a big part of it,” he explained. “A measly handful of folks showed up to desecrate the Muslim prophet in the name of our forgiving savior, Jesus H. Christ. It was such a bad turnout that only two terrorists even bothered to drop by. But what I think angered the Lord more’n all that was nobody there was carrying their guns. They had to wait for a cop to come and kill the jihadists. Now that’s a sin.”

In Texas, the school boards now recognize the U.S. Constitution as the creation of a Heavenly Father, not the nation’s Founding Fathers, although Moses is officially listed among that group. Weapons ownership, as much as prayer, is a spiritual expression of faith in Jesus and his message of peace. The fact that unarmed Texans attended Geller’s gathering is, in Huntsacker’s opinion, a worse moral transgression than homosexuality.

“If this is the state of Texas today, what are we going to do this summer when the Jade Helm 15 conquest begins -- when Barack Obama bin Laden sends his Islamic military storming through here to topple the country for the Iranians and the Chinese? If we’ve given up guns, I guess we should start fixing to eat cats and whatever the hell’s in Persian food.”

As for the alleged chlamydia outbreak, officials plan to implement mandatory prayer sessions throughout the regular school day, and base all academic lessons exclusively on the teachings of the Bible, across classes and subjects. They have no immediate plans to revisit their abstinence-only curriculum, as explained to parents in a recent letter:

"Crane Independent School District does not offer a curriculum in human sexuality. State law requires more attention be spent on abstinence than other behaviors. Teaching our children about their bodies is, in fact, illegal. We’re Crane ISD, not Crane IUD. We would instead like to make our parents aware, or more aware, of a problem that has been identified in our teenagers and young adults of our community -- lack of faith. As we know from Deuteronomy 28:27, when offended or slighted, ‘The Lord will strike you with the boils of Egypt, with tumors, with the scab, and with the itch, from which you cannot be healed.’ We firmly believe that our community is being punished for the sins of this nation -- for accepting sodomites as equals, allowing women to work or make choices about their bodies, and refusing to obey the laws of Leviticus. Only through prayer and atonement can we cure our stricken children of this pox.”

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